Finding Vesuvius
by Sardixiis
Summary: In one unexpected moment of violence Olivia's whole world was turned upside down. She'd lost everything she'd ever had, and there was no way to get most of it back. With irreversible damage and permanent injury Olivia can't find anything left worth fighting for. There's someone out there that can heal her broken spirit though, and perhaps she can heal his too.
1. Chapter 1 - Now

**Finding Vesuvius**

_Author's Note: So initially I wasn't planning on actually writing this story. The idea popped into my head months ago after I read __Until Tuesday__, which is the book this story was inspired by. I was content with just letting it play out as a daydream type thing since I didn't feel like I knew enough about either of the main topics to actually write it out formally. Then when I was having a hard day and couldn't sleep, I decided to just sit down and write. The idea really took over, and I couldn't stop. I did some research to try and make this realistic, but I also tried to leave things a bit vague as well. It makes my "holy cow how did that end up so long" stories seem short in comparison (plus I already have ideas for a sequel and maybe a trilogy depending on the response). Yeah. Anyway, without further ado, I give you, Finding Vesuvius._

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Chapter One - Now

The pounding on her apartment door was sending explosions of pain through her head at the level the inconsiderate knocker could not even begin to comprehend. Olivia Benson cradled her throbbing head in her hands and stifled a groan. Not only was the banging near cataclysmic on her head, she had to somehow get to the door and answer it. Before the ten steps it would take to reach it wouldn't have caused her even a moment of grief, but now… Well, now was different. Everything that had been was over, and she could never get it back.

"Olivia?" a voice called anxiously from the other side.

Apparently just sitting here wasn't going to make her visitor go away. She slowly pushed herself to her feet and started toward the door.

Outside of Olivia's apartment, Nick Amaro was doing everything he could to clamp down on his growing worry. He knew Olivia had to be home; she rarely went out anymore. He also knew there were many reasons why it could take her a long time to answer the door. Not all of those reasons were bad either. No, bad wasn't the right word. Not all of those reasons were cause for him to consider getting the super to open the door or finding a way in himself. He wouldn't have even considered that in the first years of their partnership, but that was before. Now he was nearly jumping out of his skin with worry and resisting the urge to pace back and forth in front of her door. Barely. Nick had just about reached his breaking point when he heard her call out.

"I'm coming."

It was like opening a lid on a pressure cooker, all of the worry whooshing out like steam. She was okay. Nick felt himself start breathing normally again and started to school his face into something that wouldn't piss Olivia off. Of course, she could become dangerously angry over the smallest things these days. That was when she was having a day where she cared about anything, and those were coming fewer and farther between.

When the door finally creaked open Nick flashed Olivia a gentle smile which she returned with a blank stare. Even so long after the accident every time he saw Olivia it was like a knife to the soul. The usually vibrant, determined woman was gone and replaced with a shell that barely resembled the original. Her skin held a greyish cast, though thankfully it wasn't quite as bad as it had been in the days following the accident. The dark circles under her eyes stood out vividly against her skin. Worst of all was the dull pain in her eyes. It ran so deep that he wasn't sure he could find the bottom if he stared into the abyss of her eyes for hours at a time. So much pain and he couldn't even guess how much was more than physical. A while ago the sweats and slightly disheveled hair would have concerned him. By this point he'd come to expect it.

"Hey. Just wanted to check in." He waved a hand toward the door. "May I?"

_"No,"_ Olivia thought. _"No, you may not. Just go away. Please. Just go away."_

She didn't want to deal with Nick. It was too painful and brought up memories of everything she had lost. She could do that well enough on her own. Instead of sharing any of those thoughts though she sighed and took a wobbly step back.

"Yeah."

Without waiting to see him walk in she turned, using the wall lightly for support, and started back toward the couch at a slow pace. Nick watched her in silence before he closed the door gently behind him. He couldn't stop his eyes from drifting down to her hands. They were trembling visibly. Again a rush of guilt washed over him. If only they had… but, no. They'd all been through this before. Nothing else could have been done. They'd gotten there was fast as they could. But it hadn't been enough and now Olivia was paying the price.

"It's bad today, isn't it?"

Immediately Nick regretted the words as Olivia's expression hardened into a dark storm cloud.

"What? This?" she demanded bitterly as she lifted shaking hands for him to see. "No. Not really. At least I've only had one seizure so far today. That's something, right?"

Nick winced and glanced down. From anyone else that extreme level of sarcasm and hostility wouldn't have been tolerated. He would have been in their face immediately. After what had happened to Olivia though, he couldn't blame her for her tone.

"Is there anything I can do? Help with?"

Once again Olivia's eyes narrowed and she jerked to her feet. Apparently he'd stepped in it again. He should have been expecting that though. Everyone was walking on egg shells around her. Quite honestly, he wasn't sure there was anywhere safe to step now.

"Do? Help me? Tell me, Nick. Can you get me my job back? My license? My independence? My ability to leave my goddamn apartment? My _life_? Can you give me any of that, Nick?"

Every one of her demands sent another knife into him. It hurt even worse to know there was nothing he could do to fix any of it. She would never get her job back, and she would likely never drive again.

"I wish I could, Liv. Believe me."

"Yeah, thanks. That's really help…"

One minute she'd been in the middle of berating him and the next she was on the ground convulsing. Terror washed over Nick in a wave nearly as fast as the seizure had struck.

"Liv!"

The entire squad had seen Olivia suffer through more than one seizure before, but it never got any easier to see. Thankfully her body relaxed after only thirty seconds of shaking. Once she was still he gently ran his hand over her head to make sure she hadn't hurt herself. Not finding any blood, he sat down beside her to wait until she came to. Before long he heard her moan softly, and then her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey," he greeted softly.

She didn't respond and started to slowly push herself up.

"Easy."

Olivia shoved his offered hand away. Nick was expecting the dagger eyes too, but she wouldn't even look at him.

"Go, Nick. Please, just go."

Nick didn't want to leave her, but he wasn't going to have a choice. Olivia still had her pride. She hated that all of her weaknesses were incredibly visible now, and she was desperately trying to hold on to anything she could that would make her feel less pathetic. There wasn't much, but she tried.

"Olivia…"

"Go!"

Sighing, Nick pulled himself off the ground and headed to the door without argument. He turned back to look at her as he held the door open. While she'd managed to get to a mostly sitting position, she was still basically on the ground. Unmoving and with her head bowed, she looked incredibly defeated. Douglas Archer may have gotten life in prison, but in a way so had Olivia. She was just trapped in the prison of her own body.

Olivia remained on the ground, using her arms to keep herself propped up. It wasn't until she heard the door close that she allowed herself to move. She collapsed back onto the ground and curled into a ball. The first few tears started slowly, but soon enough she was sobbing uncontrollably. Her life had been far from fantastic, but she'd managed to take every bad curve and deal with it. She wanted to keep fighting, but what was the point now? Everything she'd worked so hard for had been stripped away. Right now she was living off her savings, disability, and her NYPD pension. That wasn't likely to ever change. Even if she did manage to recover something that might remotely resemble a normal life very few opportunities would ever be within her reach.


	2. Chapter 2 - Destruction

Chapter Two - Destruction

_Author's Note: As this story goes on, please feel free to let me know if there is anything you'd really like to see. While the story is done, it's long enough that if I really like an idea I could add it in, especially since I have loved writing this story. Since a lot of people are already following this, maybe I will actually hit my goal of the most reviews I've had yet! That would be exciting._

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Nick had been stewing the entire trip back to the precinct. Like a shaken can of pop, it was only a matter of time before the pressure became too much and he exploded. He'd managed to hold in the anger, frustration, and guilt until he got back to his desk, but he couldn't take it anymore. Without any kind of warning he lashed out, kicking his chair and sending it skittering halfway across the room. Heads came up throughout the whole squad.

"Jesus," Amanda cried out as she stared at him in shock.

Fin was already on his feet and holding a placating hand out. Nick had gone off so suddenly and violently that Fin was worried he'd pull another stupid stunt.

"Easy, Amaro. What the hell, man?"

Nick ignored both of them and continued pacing back and forth in front of his desk. Of all people why had this happened to Olivia? The guy had broken her like a child's toy. He deserved far more than what he'd gotten. The prick. And yet, as furious as Amaro was with Archer, he was even more upset with himself. The months that had passed since the incident hadn't eased his guilt. Neither had talking to the department shrink. He had been Olivia's partner. It was his job to have her back, to protect her, and he'd failed. He'd failed so miserably that his partner had suffered an injury so severe that she would spend the rest of her life with a seizure disorder.

"Amaro."

Some partner he was. He'd failed her then, and he couldn't do anything to really help her now.

"Amaro!"

Nick spun around, eyes narrowed dangerously.

"What?!" he snapped before he'd realized who had called him.

Captain Cragen was standing in front of him, clearly not pleased.

"My office. Now."

Nick stormed after him. He had no idea what to do with all of the pent up frustration. Cragen waited, watching Nick closely. There was no point in starting the discussion until his detective got himself a bit more under control. He should be ripping Nick a new one, but he didn't. While Nick hadn't disclosed what had set him off, Cragen had a suspicion of the cause. It was the same thing that set him off whenever he gave himself enough time to think about it. When they'd rushed Olivia to the hospital after her accident he'd had to reveal to the doctors and his detectives that he had decision making power over her. That moment was one of the worst ones of his life. He'd never before come so close to holding a detective's life in his hands. It had been awful, and the memory of that day would never go away. The same flares of emotion erupted from Fin, Munch, and Rollins too. They were all still working out how to deal with Olivia's accident. No. Olivia's attack. Nothing about it had been an accident.

"You visited her today, didn't you?"

The question was like throwing ice water on him. Nick appeared to wilt right before Cragen's eyes. He collapsed into a chair, all of his anger and energy gone.

"There's got to be something we can do."

Cragen smiled sadly and bowed his head. Nick wasn't the only one who felt that way. They all did. So far they'd educated themselves on what to expect from Olivia's condition, supported her through her hospital stay and initial recovery, started and contributed to a monetary fund for her treatment, and continued to check in on her by phone or in person at least once a day. Even so, it didn't feel like enough. Cragen had been researching other ways they could help Olivia for months, and he suspected the others in the unit had as well.

"We can only do so much and however much she lets us."

"I know, but it's not enough. It's nowhere near enough," Nick insisted.

He dropped his head almost to his knees and ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

"It will never feel like enough, but unless you have another idea…"

Cragen trailed off. This certainly wasn't the first time he'd had this discussion. Everyone in the unit had agreed that if they came up with or ran across an idea that could help Olivia in any way they would all try to turn it into a reality. Nothing they had done had improved Olivia's growing depression, and Cragen wasn't sure any of it had even improved the quality of her life either.

They would all keep trying. They had to. For Olivia.

"Go cool down, Nick. Get it out of your head for now."

It was something else he'd had to say far too often lately, even to himself.

Amaro sighed and slowly pushed himself to his feet before leaving the captain's office. Usually taking a break lead him to the cribs or up to the roof to get some fresh air. Instead he found himself wandering down the hallway to the interrogation rooms. He'd stopped almost involuntarily beside the glass of the second room on the left, the room none of them could bear going into. As he gazed inside his eyes drifted to the left hand wall furthest from the door. The blood had long ago been cleaned, but Nick could still see it there, staining the surface and slowly dripping down. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it still came flooding back in vivid detail.

_"I don't share my enjoyment with men. It's like that children's story, _The Little Red Hen. _If you don't do any of the word you don't get any of the reward."_

_Amaro stared at Douglas Archer and barely managed to not roll his eyes. He and Olivia had been trying to get the guy to talk for almost half an hour. This was the first sign they'd gotten that he may be willing to discuss what he had done. A confession wasn't completely necessary, but it would be a fantastic added bonus. The two women who had been assaulted and brutally raped had identified him, and one of the rape kits had produced DNA. They were set. There was enough forensic evidence and witness testimony to arrest him even if they couldn't get the confession. It would certainly be nice to have though._

_He glanced down at Olivia briefly. She met his gaze and nodded slightly. They didn't need words. Both of them had realized Archer wouldn't say anything with Nick in the room, and Olivia had let him know she'd be fine on her own. While Nick didn't like it, he knew she could handle herself, and it was the only way they'd get anything. Standing, he headed outside to watch through the window. Olivia could get the confession, and he'd be nearby just in case._

_"So, you're willing to share your enjoyment with me?" Olivia asked once Nick had left the room._

_Archer leaned back in his chair and folded his arms contently behind his head. Interrogation didn't faze him in the least._

_"I'm not sure I'd call it "sharing enjoyment" with you. It's not something you're going to enjoy." _

_"You're right. I don't enjoy women suffering. I'm sure you'll enjoy rubbing that in though."_

_He laughed and sat back up again._

_"Sure will. It's fun."_

_"And what kind of fun did you have with Nicole Gries?"_

_"Quite a bit."_

_That wasn't enough. This guy was going to string Olivia along as long as he could. Whether or not he would actually give her anything in the end Nick had no idea._

_"Terrifying. You might want to try a little bit harder," Olivia returned._

_"I got to spend time with her. Stroke her soft skin. Played a little bit." He paused before correcting himself. "Played _a lot_."_

_Olivia stood and wandered closer as she began speaking._

_"Played by beating her? Breaking her wrist? Raping her? Oh, I'm sorry. You probably called it having sex, right?"_

_She perched herself on the corner of the table closest to him and leaned down toward him._

_"And you just loved pinning her to the ground, didn't you? Can't handle looking a woman in the eyes?"_

_Archer rested his forearms on the table and leaned close to her._

_"I have no problem looking a woman in the eyes."_

_One blink and Olivia was sitting on the edge of the table. In the next Archer had caught her shoulders and body slammed her into the wall._

_"Shit!" Nick cried out as he spun toward the door._

_The first impact with the wall must have stunned Olivia because she didn't do anything to try and get away. As Nick rushed for the door he caught sight of Archer grabbing her head and slamming it mercilessly into the wall. Nick's heart dropped into his shoes._

_"Officer down! Help! Help!"_

_That was all the rest of the squad needed to come running. Nick wasn't going to wait though. Archer had already slammed Olivia's head into the wall two more times._

_"Get off of her!"_

_He launched himself at Archer's back and snaked his arms around the larger man's neck. Olivia's eyes were already closed, her body limp. Nick tightened his grip and lashed out at Archer's leg with his foot, but it wasn't doing any good. All Nick could do was watch in horror as Archer drew Olivia's head forward and smashed it into the wall again. Being this close, Nick could hear the sickening, mushy crunch that resounded from the impact._

_Nick felt another body press against his as two more sets of arms wrapped around Archer. Together he, Cragen, and Fin managed to pull Archer away and start dragging him across the interrogation room. The second they'd pried his hands off Olivia she collapsed like a rag doll._

_Amanda whipped through the doorway into the room and immediately her face blanched white when she saw the blood splattered on the wall. She flew across the room at near Olympic speed and dropped to her knees beside Olivia._

_"Oh God," she muttered softly as she took in her coworker's still form. _

_One hand snapped to her phone and dialed 911 while the other searched Olivia's neck for a pulse. The instant she felt the steady, if a touch weak, beat under her fingers some of the pressure constricting Amanda's chest eased._

_"This is Detective Amanda Rollins at the 16__th__ Precinct. I need a bus. Immediately. I have an officer down with severe head trauma."_

_The fingers on Olivia's pulse moved to hover over her nose. Satisfied that Olivia was still breathing, Amanda glanced at the back of Olivia's head and nearly froze. Her hair was completely matted with blood._

_"Barely breathing. Lost a lot of blood," she reported._

_As Nick helped fight Archer's hands behind his back to cuff them he saw the blood on the man's fingers. How bad was Olivia hurt? Was she even alive?_

_"Rollins?" he called._

_"Bus is on the way." She hesitated for a second. "It looks bad."_

"Hey," Fin called out as he grabbed Nick's upper arm, snapping him out of his memories. "This ain't gonna help man."

Nick ran a hand over his face and gazed at Fin, his expression pinched and strained.

"Really, Fin? What does help?"

"Not much, but this… this is only goin' to make it worse."

"Yeah, I don't see how it could get any worse."

"Liv's alive, Nick. That's something."

"Oh yeah? Some life."


	3. Chapter 3 - Holes

Chapter Three – Holes

"Olivia, why don't you come sit down."

Olivia stared at her therapist from across the room, but eventually pushed herself away from the wall and took a seat. She'd been working with Christine Marshal since she'd left the hospital over two months ago. As much as she hated being forced to see a shrink, she'd come to have a grudging respect for Christine. With the situation she was in, Olivia knew she needed help with coming to terms with her new life, and Christine was that help. The fact that the woman was nearly as stubborn and to the point as Olivia could be had helped the bond too. The once a week meetings had started off badly, but by now Olivia was more willing to speak freely. None of it could end up in her jacket anyway since she didn't have one anymore.

"Sorry," Olivia muttered.

She was finding it incredibly difficult to sit still that day. Already her pent up energy and nerves were making themselves known again as she rubbed her palms continually across her thighs.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for. If you want to do cartwheels across the room while we talk that's fine as long as you actually talk."

Olivia snorted.

"I'll pass, thanks."

"On the cartwheels or the talking?"

"I'm sure you wouldn't approve if I said both."

"Not really, but at least that's honest."

Christine let the silence hang for a moment before she nodded toward Olivia's hands. They were burning a path along the top of her jeans.

"You're restless today."

Olivia glanced at her hands and forced them to be still. She hadn't even realized she'd been doing anything.

"A little," she answered.

"Why? Is something going on with the doctors today?"

"No. Nothing new. Nothing coming up to be anticipating or worrying about either."

"What is it then?"

Olivia sighed, swiped her hands through her hair once, and stood. Before she knew it she was pacing back and forth. Her therapist noticed right away but said nothing.

"I guess I'm sick of sitting around. For sixteen years I was lucky if I had the chance to sit down and take some time for myself. Now that's all I have. Only thing is I can't do anything with it. I'm not good at doing nothing."

"Nobody ever said you have to do nothing, Olivia. In fact, the last thing I want you to do is nothing."

Olivia spun toward Christine and crossed her arms fully over her chest.

"Yeah? What am I supposed to be doing?"

She couldn't stop her voice from rising slightly in anger. The frustration was at a peak, and she could only hold it in so long.

"I want you to do things you enjoyed doing before. Go for a run, hit the gym, visit Central park or a coffee shop."

Laughter bubbled out of Olivia before she could stop it. Christine's suggestions were far too comical. Go workout? Visit the park? How was she supposed to do that when the possibility of collapsing on the sidewalk was as high as the chance of rolling a number less than six on a die?

"Go out? You're kidding. I can't even take a bath anymore since I could seize and drown, and you want me to go about my life outside of my apartment like I used to? I don't think so."

"The only one that's stopping you from doing most of what you'd like to do is you."

"Oh, right. It has nothing to do with the seizures. It's just me. Good to know."

Christine smiled wryly. She was used to Olivia doing that.

"You know that's not what I was getting at, but your interpretation is mostly true anyway. Even you would admit that you don't need to be able to drive to get anywhere you want to go in New York City."

"Even if I had a car I wouldn't be able to get to where I want to go," Olivia whispered.

It took Christine a while to figure out what Olivia meant by that. When it clicked, she nodded at her patient in agreement.

"You're right. It couldn't take you back to life before your accident, but…"

She immediately cut herself off when Olivia's face twisted in anger and shame. It seemed that Olivia still hadn't stopped blaming herself for what had happened. The word "accident" had irked her from the beginning. Christine had gone in circles trying to convince Olivia that it hadn't been her fault, that she couldn't have done anything. Some days it looked like they'd made progress, and then there were moments like this.

"Olivia," Christine began, but Olivia cut her off.

"I know. I know. I can't be sure what I did or didn't notice or try to do."

That entire day of her accident and most of the three days previous were blank in her mind. She'd tried to remember despite her doctor's insistence that she likely never would, but all it had done was frustrate her. Those three days of lost memory were far worse than the weeks she'd lost from her post-injury coma and sedation. By now she'd come to accept that none of the holes would be filled, but it was still frustrating at times. The only reason she knew what had happened to change her life so drastically was the stories and explanations from her former coworkers.

Christine smiled softly. She'd drilled those words into Olivia's head over and over again. Olivia certainly knew them by now, and sometimes she even seemed to believe them.

"Start slow, Olivia. That's all I'm asking. You don't need to walk out your door and act like none of this happened. Pick one thing you want to get involved in or do again and find a way. Think you can do that?"

"I'll try."

She sounded a little bit skeptical, so Christine decided to spend their last few minutes working with Olivia to set up a bit of an outline for how she could get started. The discussion turned out to be a lot like pulling teeth. Olivia wasn't very interested in providing feasible options, and she shot down nearly every one of Christine's. Her fear of having a seizure while out in public was incredibly high but also understandable. In the end the only thing they could settle on together was that she would at least leave her apartment to do _something_. What that something was would be up to Olivia.

"Make sure you keep to our bargain. I'll see you next week, Olivia."


	4. Chapter 4 - Waning Hopes

Chapter Four – Waning Hopes

Olivia stared blandly out the window. With the sun shining and a brilliant blue sky overhead it was the perfect day to go for a run or walk in the park. A darkness completely unfitting to the day filled her, and she turned away. Going out for a walk was impossible. It was simply too much of a risk. People asked questions and panicked when she went down. The medical bracelet she wore 24/7 with information about her condition and doctor didn't make coping with her disorder in a public setting any easier. It was best to just avoid going out so she didn't need to deal with any of the trouble it caused. Even on a good day Olivia rarely ventured out of her apartment except for appointments with the variety of doctors she saw every week.

Today was far from a good day.

As troublesome as the seizures were, they weren't impacting her life every second. The fear was always there, but she could deal with fear. Constant tremors were so much worse.

Olivia turned away from the window and headed toward the couch. As she passed the end table she grabbed the remote. It should have been a simple task, something she wouldn't have needed to think about before. Now she only managed to get the remote a few inches off the table before she fumbled it. She swore softly as it clattered onto the table and tumbled to the floor.

Olivia stared at the remote in despair. Balance hadn't been a major problem since early in her recovery, but every now and then she ran into trouble. When she was particularly shaky bending down could trigger moments of unbalance and she could find herself unable to stay upright without holding onto something. With how she was feeling today Olivia didn't even want to risk it. Sighing, she left the remote where it was and flopped onto the couch. For a long time she simply stared at the ceiling. There really wasn't much else she could do. She lifted her hands up and watched them shake before letting her arms drop back to her side and closing her eyes.

_It's only been an hour since I took them. I can't even take another dose for a few hours. Not that they're helping._

The doctors still hadn't found a combination of drugs to ease the seizures or shaking very much. She was continually assured that it could take time to find the best mix for her especially since everything she was experiencing was the result of a head injury. Even so, Olivia was starting to lose hope.

She'd lost hope in a lot of things recently. During the early part of her recovery when she'd been in the hospital still she'd given her all in every task she was asked to do. No matter how much it hurt or how little progress she'd made she still gave 120%. Sometimes she tried too hard. She had pushed to the point that her doctors had ordered her to slow down. At first she'd honestly thought she could recover completely. A few weeks of rest, some physical therapy, and she'd be good as new except for a bit of soreness. That wasn't the case. She'd finally come to realize that she would never get better.

The sudden piercing ring of her cell phone snapped Olivia back into the present. She rolled slowly upright and stumbled toward the kitchen with a little help from the wall. Usually she kept her cell on her belt just to be safe. So far she'd gotten lucky and had come through her seizures without major injury, but it was better to be careful.

"Benson."

It slipped out before she could really think about it. That was how a cop answered the phone, not a regular person.

_"Hey, Liv."_

A small smile tugged at Olivia's lips when she heard Casey's voice.

"Checking up on me, Casey?"

_"That obvious, huh?"_

"I am…"

She froze. _I am a detective_. Such a simple statement that had seemed so right. But it wasn't right. Her stomach tied itself into a double knot, and she leaned back against the counter. She honestly wasn't sure if she would have stayed standing without it there. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. That one half spoken sentence had placed a vice on her soul.

Casey felt like she had just been punched in the stomach. She couldn't even begin to imagine how much pain Olivia was in, and she had no idea what to say to ease that pain. While she'd experienced the loss of her career, there had still been a light at the end of her tunnel. Once her suspension had ended she'd been able to return, and with a lot of work she'd regained her old position and status again. Olivia would never have that chance.

"Oh, Liv… I don't even…"

"Just don't try," Olivia answered, barely holding it together. "Is there anything else, Casey? I really should go."

There was nothing she needed to do, and no reason why she would have to get off the phone either. Trying to pull together the few shreds of her dignity that were left to continue talking to Casey would be too difficult. Olivia couldn't even be sure she would succeed.

_"I'll let you go, but we should do dinner soon. Okay?"_

"I don't know, Casey. I'll think about it."

In all likelihood it would never happen.

Casey sighed. She knew Olivia didn't like going out anymore, but it wasn't good for her to be stuck at home alone all the time. Being alone and cut off from all of the people you knew could be depressing, and the last thing Olivia needed was something else to induce depression in her life.

_"Alright. Think about it. If going out, even when you aren't alone, is too much, I'll come to your place and do dinner there. Just let me know."_

"Alright. I'll talk to you later, Casey."

Olivia ended the call and barely resisted the urge to send the phone flying across the room.

"Stupid. So stupid. When will you get it through your head that you're not a detective anymore? You're not going to be anything anymore."

Just broken.

She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, but paused when she reached the back of her head. Her hair had grown back since the surgeries. While it didn't even reach her chin, it looked normal and hid what was beneath. The bumps and scarring on the back of her head would be a permanent reminder of what had happened.

As if the seizures weren't.


	5. Chapter 5 - Implosion

Chapter Five – Implosion

"I thought you said she was doing alright," Alex demanded as she and Casey walked toward the subway together.

"She was," Casey insisted. "I talked to her two weeks ago and offered dinner. She wasn't exactly happy, but she was still Olivia."

"And that looked like Olivia to you?"

Casey sighed and looked down, guilt gnawing at her. She had wanted to give Olivia some space after their phone conversation. When her friend hadn't called back in a few days Casey hadn't pushed. Olivia would call when she was ready. After a week had gone by and Casey still hadn't heard anything she'd decided to just bring dinner to Olivia. Alex had agreed to come along.

The moment Olivia had opened the door they'd both been shocked, and it had only gotten worse after that. Casey could see the whole night as clear as day in her head.

_"Hey, Olivia. We figured you could use some dinner."_

_Casey nearly had to force a smile as she got the words out. After Olivia had opened the door she'd simply stared at Alex and Casey without surprise, irritation, or excitement. As Casey took her in she couldn't see any glimpse of the Olivia she knew. This Olivia was on the verge of destruction, if not a step or two past that. She'd lost a bit of weight, and the baggy clothing was only making it worse. For the most part Casey could ignore all of that. It was Olivia's eyes that she couldn't ignore. There was simply no light there. Some hollowed out crust of Olivia Benson was staring out of those dead eyes._

_"Going to invite us in?" Alex asked._

_Olivia blinked and stepped aside. Casey had been expecting a fight. She'd even prepared a whole argument to use with Olivia, but apparently it wasn't needed. Olivia didn't care that they had shown up unannounced. Once Casey took three steps into the apartment she changed her mind. It wasn't that Olivia didn't care they'd come; she didn't care about anything._

_The entire apartment was a disaster zone. Dirty dishes, old pizza boxes, and take out cartons littered the coffee table. A sweatshirt was tossed over the back of the couch, and a blanket was in a pile on the floor. There might have even been a sock peeking out from under the couch, but she couldn't be sure._

_"Olivia?" Alex asked gently. "What happened to the lamp?"_

_Olivia stared at Alex blankly until Alex pointed to the far side of the room. Casey gazed that way and spotted what Alex was asking about. The lamp that would have been on the end table was shattered on the floor. With everything else a mess Casey hadn't even noticed the broken lamp. Olivia shrugged and dropped down onto the couch._

_"It fell. I haven't gotten around to cleaning it up."_

_"When?" Alex demanded._

_"Few days ago."_

_With the jobs they did Casey understood not having a clean apartment. Her own place could look like a tornado had hit it too, but a broken lamp? Even if she'd been swamped with work she would have found time to clean it up. _

_"What'd you do? Run into it in the middle of the night?" Alex teased lightly._

_Olivia flopped over and rested her head on the couch's arm rest._

_"No. I seized. Guess I hit the table on the way down."_

_Alex's jaw dropped open._

_"Jesus, Liv. Are you alright?" Casey asked._

_"Fine. Just bruised."_

_Her voice was completely devoid of emotion. Casey met Alex's eyes and saw her own shock reflected back at her. Like the detectives at SVU, Casey and Alex had looked into Olivia's condition as well. They knew it was common for seizure sufferers to face anxiety and depression. Signs of both had been there from the beginning, but it hadn't been anything extreme. What they were seeing now couldn't be described as anything but extreme. Something needed to be done. Olivia couldn't go on like this. If she wouldn't take care of herself Alex and Casey would do it for her this time._

_"I've got this. You take her," Casey said softly._

_Alex nodded and moved to pry Olivia off the couch. She guided her to the bathroom, and Olivia sat down on the toilet lid. Reaching past the shower curtain Alex started the water. When she was satisfied with the temperature she returned her attention to Olivia. From what she could tell Olivia hadn't even twitched._

_"Okay, come on," Alex ordered as she tugged gently on Olivia's arm. "In you go. I'll get you some clean clothes."_

_Olivia stood slowly, almost robotically. She started pulling at her shirt before Alex even left the room. By the time Alex came back Olivia was in the shower. _

_"Clothes are on the counter. Don't take too long or I'm coming in after you."_

The evening had only gotten worse from there. When Alex had asked Olivia what had happened Olivia had stated rather simply, "My head got slammed into a wall a lot of times." Casey and Alex had tried to get Olivia to open up more, but getting her to say anything after that had been like pulling teeth. Olivia had remained silent and unengaged the entire meal. Between Casey and Alex they'd managed to nearly force Olivia to eat since she hadn't shown any real interest in food. It hadn't been a full meal by a long shot, but Casey suspected it was the most she'd eaten in one sitting all week. When they'd left Olivia had been sprawled out across the couch again. She hadn't even gotten up to let them out.

Casey rubbed at her eyes and shook her head.

"No, Alex. It didn't look like her at all, but I'm not sure what else we can do."

"Do you really think her neighbor will call?"

On the way out of Olivia's building Casey had stopped at one other apartment. While she'd never met the tenant, Olivia had told her soon after she'd returned home from her initial hospitalization that a neighbor would bring her groceries once a week. Denise Frank was retired and had more than enough time on her hands to help. Since Denise was seeing Olivia at least once a week, Casey figured she was the perfect person to enlist help from. She'd left her card and asked to be called if Olivia seemed off or looked like she needed a friend. Basically those were just nice ways to say she looked like she was falling to pieces even more than she already had.

"I think so. You saw how worried she was when we talked to her."

Alex nodded. She had seen the concern radiating off Olivia's neighbor, and there was no reason why she wouldn't call them. Even so, it just didn't seem like enough. There had to be something else they could do.

"She's spiraling, Casey, and I don't know how to help her."

"You and me both."


	6. Chapter 6 - Growing Darkness

Chapter Six – Growing Darkness

Olivia had had some particularly bad weeks both before and after her injury. Four out of the five worst she'd experienced had happened after she'd woken up in the hospital from her head injury. Those weeks after she'd become aware of her surrounding s and situation had been hell. Experiencing the first seizures, trying to understand her diagnosis, dealing with the initial balance and motor skill issues, and living with constant headaches had been a level of awful she'd never experienced before.

Both weeks before Casey and Alex's impromptu dinner party had easily ranked in that top five, or at least the top ten. The second one especially. In fact, it would have qualified after the first three days. After that it had only gotten worse. Her seizures that week had been particularly bad. She was used to having at least one, sometimes even two, grand mal seizures each day along with multiple partial ones at varying degrees of strength. That was all beyond the tremors too.

That entire week Olivia had been averaging more like two to three unconscious, on the ground, whole body convulsions. One day she'd counted at least four. She'd spent that day basically lying on the floor of her family room. There hadn't seemed to be a point in moving anywhere else, especially when she'd woken up on the floor when she'd last remembered being on the couch. The seizures had been so bad she'd even called her doctor. He'd assured her, again, that unless she had multiple seizures right in a row or one lasted more than five minutes they shouldn't be damaging and there was nothing he could do about them. When she came in for her next appointment they could modify her medication and see if that helped. None of what he'd said had helped or offered her any reassurance. Never before had Olivia felt the hopelessness of her situation more acutely than that moment. Her world had darkened, and she'd begun wondering what the point was anymore.

To make matters worse, her seizures hadn't contained themselves to the time she was at home. She had been on her way home from her one trip out of her apartment for her weekly therapy visit when it had struck.

_Olivia climbed up the subway steps and started down the street toward her apartment. It wasn't far away and so far she'd managed the trips to her appointments and back without going down on the sidewalk. She was considering Christine's request of having a specific activity she would try to return to in mind when she came for her next appointment when the seizure caught her. Olivia went down mid step, her upper body slamming into the back of the man walking in front of her._

_"Hey, watch it!"_

_Already eyes were on Olivia, and a small crowd was beginning to gather. As Olivia's body continued flailing wildly over the concrete a confusion of voices erupted._

_"What's happening?"_

_"Someone call 911!"_

_"Is anyone a doctor?"_

_"Is she okay?"_

_There were just as many people who walked right on by. Had she been aware of what was happening, she would have preferred those people by far. All of these people hovering around her, worrying and gossiping was pretty close to her worst nightmare. She had always tried to keep her personal life as private as possible, and now these people were getting a full show._

_When Olivia finally stirred she couldn't figure out where she was or what had happened. The ground was cold beneath her and her whole body ached._

A seizure.

_As she slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position she noticed her shirt was wet and there was a bad, acidic taste in her mouth. The smell confirmed her fears. She'd vomited some time while she'd been unconscious._

_"Take it easy. An ambulance is on its way."_

_Olivia's eyes locked onto the woman who had spoken and all the color drained from her face. Slowly she took in the rest of the crowd. Her heart felt like it had stopped, and her world came to a screeching halt. Here she was sitting on the sidewalk covered in her own puke and surrounded by people. Olivia had never been more embarrassed in her life. If she could have crawled into one of the numerous pot holes in the city and disappeared she would have. Anything would have been better than this. _Anything.

_By the time the ambulance arrived more than half of the bystanders had moved on. They'd gotten their fix of New York craziness. Random woman collapses on the sidewalk and throws up all over herself. It would be a great story to tell at the office or over dinner when they got home. Olivia would have been happy most of the people had left and this whole disaster was almost over if the ambulance's sirens and flashing lights weren't such a beacon. Because of them even more people were looking her way as they tried to figure out what was going on. It was taking everything Olivia had to simply ignore the people and pretend she wasn't the cause of this whole circus. Inside she was breaking apart. How was she supposed to face all of this? How was she supposed to look in the mirror tomorrow? The frustration and embarrassment swelled to a massive ball of shame in the middle of her chest and nearly suffocated her. She couldn't do this._

_Olivia saw the small crowd part and assumed the paramedics were on their way over. As they came she silently prayed that she wouldn't know them and they wouldn't recognize her. Chances were slim that she had run into them on the job, but her luck was terrible today. Trying to explain to paramedics she didn't know that she was alright and didn't need to go to the hospital would be bad enough. If they knew what she had been before it would be so much worse. She'd fallen a long way._

_"Ma'am? Can you tell me your name?"_

_Olivia saw him kneel in front of her and sighed in relief. She didn't recognize him._

_"Olivia, and I'm fine."_

_"Have you had a seizure before?"_

_She bit back the bitter answer she could have given and instead lifted the wrist that bore her medical bracelet._

_"Yeah."_

_The paramedic smiled warmly at her. Now that he knew this wasn't her first seizure he wasn't as worried. Considering he got the feeling that she wouldn't willingly go to the hospital, this being normal for her was even better._

_"If you don't want to go to the hospital, at least let us check you over in the back."_

_"That's not necessary. I'm fine."_

_"A few minutes. That's all it will take and then you'll be good to go. Alright?"_

_Olivia sighed heavily. She really didn't want to sit in the back of the ambulance to be poked and prodded just to satisfy the paramedic's need to make sure she was fine. Unfortunately, no matter how much she hated it, Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to get out of the checkup. _

_There paramedic helped her to her feet and led her to the back of the ambulance. Hopefully it wouldn't take too long, and she could find a way to stay a little bit out of sight from passerby._

It definitely hadn't been a good moment. Frustration had built over the next two days. As much as she'd tried to keep her spirits up and find ways to occupy her time, she'd eventually given up.

The darkness of her situation seemed to close in around her. The apartment she'd lived in for most of her adult life had always seemed so nice. Now it was beginning to feel more like a prison. She'd spent so much time after the accident cleaning the apartment and doing odd jobs she had been planning on accomplishing for years. It had used her time and given her something to take pride in. That pride didn't seem to be enough anymore. Slowly she'd stopped keeping up with the cleaning, letting her home fall back to the way it had been when she'd been on the job. The tighter the vice of shame and hopelessness closed around her the less she cared about how her apartment looked.

The last straw had come when she'd ordered pizza. What should have been a simple five minute visit had turned into a humiliating ordeal. She had been just about to pay when a seizure had struck. The only good thing was the seizure had been short. She'd come to before the delivery man had gotten off the phone with 911. After a lot of explaining and reassurances she'd managed to cancel the ambulance, pay for her pizza, and get back inside, but the experience had been scarring. Her home had been her one safe place, somewhere she didn't need to worry as much about her seizures. It didn't feel so safe anymore. With her one haven gone, Olivia had given up caring.

Her apartment quickly fell into disarray, and Olivia herself had fallen even harder and faster. By the time Casey and Alex had shown up, she'd hit rock bottom. Worse yet, Olivia hadn't even cared.

* * *

_Author's Note: I wanted to thank all of you amazing people that keep reviewing. It makes my day to hear that you like what I'm writing or really enjoyed a certain part of the chapter. While I promise that Olivia will become more vibrant and "Olivia-like" it's going to take quite a long time before things start turning around for her. And, I finally started writing the sequel to this! Hurray for two pages done._


	7. Chapter 7 - Crumbling Foundations

Chapter Seven – Crumbling Foundation

Christine was absolutely stunned by the change in her client. She'd seen Olivia in every level of emotional turmoil, from explosive anger to mime-like silence. All of her emotions had been well within Christine's expectations. Olivia had been through a terrible ordeal, and anger and grief were normal. Christine fully expected Olivia to go through all of the stages of loss. What she hadn't been expecting was complete apathy.

As she looked at Olivia, she couldn't find any sign of the woman she'd come to know. Her eyes held none of the glow of life they usually had. This wasn't just a bad day or minor depression. Something had caused Olivia to completely give up. Whatever the trigger was, Christine had to find it and figure out how to turn the situation around. If she didn't, well, Christine was genuinely concerned about what would happen. Olivia looked like she was so far down a hole there wasn't very far left for her to go.

"Olivia, talk to me."

"Why?"

"Because I can't help you unless I know what's going on."

"What's the point?"

This was definitely not like her. Olivia had never been one to openly share during sessions, but she'd at least given short, vague answers or calculated responses. More often than not she would try to play off what she was feeling so her emotions didn't seem so extreme. That was not what she was doing this time by far. Christine honestly couldn't think of anything that could bring Olivia to this level. Even the knowledge that she wouldn't be able to return to her job hadn't lowered her spirits so far.

"Can you tell me about last week?"

Olivia hadn't even heard Christine. Her eyes were focused off in the distance, though focused was just a figurative term.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this."

"Okay. Okay. What's the hardest part right now?"

When Olivia didn't respond Christine leaned closer to try to catch her patient's attention.

"Olivia."

Slowly Olivia's eyes came to rest on Christine. There was nothing to be read on her face besides exhaustion and defeat.

"What's the hardest part?" Christine pressed again.

"The uncertainty. I spend every second of every day wondering how long it will be before I wake up in confusion on the floor. When I'm not wondering about it, I'm doing it."

"I have no idea what it's like to face what you are facing every day, but I want to help you. I _can_ help you, but the only way I can do that is if you let me. Will you let me?"

"Okay…"

"Good."

Christine turned away and started shuffling through her files. The list she was searching for wasn't one she had reason to use very often. In fact, she hadn't even had this one until she'd taken Olivia as a patient. She wasn't sure how Olivia would react to the suggestion, chances were not very well, but it could be very beneficial for her. Christine flicked through two more pages before pulling out the one she'd been looking for. She handed the sheet to Olivia.

"This is a list of epilepsy support groups." She held up a hand to still Olivia before she could argue. "I know that you think you don't belong there since you don't have epilepsy, but you're going through the same things they do. The only difference is the cause of the seizures."

"I don't really do well with group therapy."

"It's not therapy. It's a support group. Share experiences, coping strategies. You won't be alone."

"I'm always alone. I always have been."

"But you don't need to be. That's why I want you to consider going."

But Olivia wasn't paying attention again. She'd checked out and become lost in the shadows engulfing her mind.

"Olivia?" Christine prodded in hopes of pulling Olivia back.

It didn't work.

"The doctors were amazed that I survived. Why didn't I die?"

Those words sent ice shooting through Christine's veins. She felt like she'd just walked through a glacier. In the entire time she'd worked with Olivia, Christine had seen no signs of a severe enough depression to make her worried about the chance of suicide. Now, out of nowhere, there was one glaring at her. She didn't honestly think Olivia would try something, but she had to be sure.

"Olivia, look at me," she said sternly.

Olivia's eyes slowly turned to her, as bland and blank as they'd been the entire session.

"Have you considered hurting yourself?"

_That_ got a response. Olivia blinked at her in surprise and her mouth gaped open like a fish out of water. Finally she managed to sputter out an answer.

"I may be pathetic, but I'm not that pathetic."

She'd known some cops that had eaten their guns. There had even been one she'd seen happen, up close and personal. It wasn't that she considered them pathetic because she didn't. Hurt, destroyed by the job, at rock bottom and feeling like there was nowhere left to go, but not pathetic. Christine's suggestion that she was about to hurt herself had simply made Olivia sound pathetic.

The simple level of shock at the suggestion was enough to assure Christine that Olivia wasn't at that point yet. Still, she wanted to keep an eye on things.

"I need to know you're not going to try to kill yourself."

"I won't," Olivia muttered, eyes on her hands.

"Alright, I'm going to take your word for it, but I'd still rather you went home with someone today."

Olivia was so near completely shut down that Christine didn't feel comfortable with her being alone even after the reassurance. The former detective had proven she was more than capable of hiding her real feelings. She'd been through enough psych evaluations to know exactly what to say.

"I don't need a babysitter."

"No. You need a friend. I'm going to call your emergency contact unless you'd prefer someone else."

"It doesn't matter."

All sense of life had left Olivia again, which only convinced Christine she was making the correct decision. Perhaps it was time to get her started on some depression medication as well. They'd considered the possibility of that and anxiety medication, but it hadn't seemed necessary until now. After she made the call she'd get the script written out. Hopefully Olivia just needed a bit of a boost to get over this new hump.

"Don Cragen? This is Dr. Christine Marshal…"

O . o . O . o . O

"I'm looking for Christine Marshal."

Olivia didn't move an inch at the sound of Cragen's voice. In fact, since she had sat down in the office's lounge to wait she hadn't moved at all. Christine had been watching her closely, but Olivia had never made eye contact or even recognized she'd been nearby. When Christine heard her name she glanced once more at Olivia before moving toward him.

"I'm Doctor Marshal."

She reached out and shook his hand.

"How's she doing?" he asked softly.

"There isn't much I can tell you without her permission, but I'd rather she not be alone today. I don't think she would try to do anything, but I'd rather be safe."

"I wish that surprised me, but you're not the first one to be worried about her recently."

"Oh?"

"Two of her former co-workers visited her a few days ago. Didn't like what they saw."

Christine did not like the sound of that, but she wasn't all that surprised either. She would, however, like more details.

"Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Cragen gave her a tiny nod, and the two of them moved away from Olivia.

"What have you seen?"

"This is the first time I've seen her recently." And he definitely didn't like what he was seeing. If he hadn't been there specifically for Olivia and her therapist hadn't flagged him over Cragen never would have recognized Olivia. "It's what I've heard. We all keep an eye on her."

"What have you heard?"

"That her apartment was a disaster and she wasn't any better. I didn't believe she was as bad as they said until now. Seeing her… I've known her over 16 years and I've never seen her like that."

Christine closed her eyes and shook her head. A week ago Olivia had been a bit more upset than usual, but she'd also admitted it had been a bad week. Nothing that week had been indication of a meltdown. Christine had hoped she would see signs of an impending downfall, but the spiral had come on incredibly fast. A week ago there had been no signs.

"Keep an eye on her."

Christine moved away from Cragen and knelt down in front of Olivia like she would for a child.

"You have my number, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I want you to call me if you need to talk or if you start feeling worse. Understand?"

"Yeah."

"You have the prescription?"

"Yeah."

Olivia still wasn't looking at her or putting any type of emotion into her one word answers.

"Fill it, Olivia. And go to the support group. They will both help you."

She stood and gently touched Olivia's arm, ushering her to her feet.

"Come on. Your ride is here. We're going to get you through this."

O . o . O . o . O

Cragen pulled up outside of Olivia's apartment building and turned to look at her. She hadn't said a word on the entire trip over. Each time he'd glanced over while he'd been driving she'd been staring out the window with her head resting on the glass. Before he could say anything she pulled away from the window and moved to get out.

"Thanks for the ride."

"Olivia. Olivia, wait!"

She paused, and Cragen threw open his door and came around to her side of the car. When an irritated delivery man stormed over to protest the parked car he lifted his badge. Out of the corner of his eye Cragen saw the man's face darken a bit, but he quickly walked away without protest.

"Nice that you can still do that."

"Liv…"

"I'm really tired. I just want to go home and go to bed."

"Alright, but be expecting guests later this afternoon. After shift's over."

"Okay."

For the first time Olivia hoped a case would come up last minute that would keep them all overtime. She really didn't want to deal with anyone.

* * *

_Author's Note: I'd like to thank all of you for your reviews, and also give another reminder. I AM NOT knowledgeable about these subjects beyond the little bit or research I could do. There are things that won't be realistic. I know that. It's unfortunately the way it is, and I apologize to those that bothers. As I said before, it's one of the major reasons I hadn't been planning on writing this story to begin with. I also can't say that some of what people say isn't realistic will get better because it will probably only get worse. Again, I apologize, but I can't do anything about it without doing a ton of research that would either force me to rewrite the entire story or destroy any desire I had to write at all. I don't like being the one to say if it bothers you don't read it, but I feel like I sort of have to. Being totally excited and thrilled about how a story came out and then getting it all shattered is hard for me to deal with, especially when I was trying to write a sequel. For those that have been enjoying this, I'm hoping that excitement will come back again so I can keep going on the sequel, but... yeah. I don't know. I told myself I needed to proofread two more chapters tonight and couldn't do it, so who knows what will happen._


	8. Chapter 8 - Scraping the Bottom

Chapter Eight – Scraping the Bottom

The moment Cragen had gotten back to the office after dropping Olivia off he set to work figuring out how to make sure his former detective wouldn't be alone. Phone calls every few days and an occasional visitor weren't enough. Unfortunately finding more spare time to call or visit wouldn't be easy. Hours could be long and unpredictable. If he really wanted to help her this way, it was going to take more than the four detectives who had been assisting so far. Melinda, Casey, Alex. He'd have to see if he could get their help too. It shouldn't be too hard. Cragen was even considering asking Barba for help, but it would be a big risk. Barba could tell Olivia to simply get off her ass and do something about her situation just as easily as he could truly help her. The first possibility wasn't what she needed. One wrong word could send her spiraling down the toilet faster than anyone could have hit the handle to flush. With how far down Olivia was the risk was simply too big. They'd have to make do without him.

"Rollins," Cragen called as he stood at the door of his office. When his detective's head came up and turned toward him he continued. "Bring everyone in for Liv."

It didn't take long for everyone to file in. Nick closed the door behind him since he was the last one in and turned to face his captain.

"What's going on?"

"You all remember what Casey and Alex said about Olivia? They weren't exaggerating."

"Shit," Fin groaned.

They had all been worried about the lawyers' descriptions, but it had just seemed too impossible. Olivia would never let herself fall that far. She was too strong. To hear they'd all been wrong and had missed so much time when they could have been trying to help her was awful.

"I took her home today. She shouldn't be alone. I couldn't stay, but I told her to expect company later."

"I can stay with her tonight," Amanda offered.

"Good. We need to get to her place more often. I know with time restraints that's not going to be easy, but…"

"Don't worry, Captain. We'll find a way. It's not like I wouldn't be going home to an empty place anyway," Munch told him.

"Same here," Fin agreed.

Cragen nodded. He hadn't expected anything else from his people. Unfortunately they had enough on their plates already. Asking them to find extra time to spend with Olivia when they were normally swamped with cases would be too much.

"Good, but we need more help. Cabot, Novak, Warner. We ask them too. They know Liv. They'll probably help."

"You know they will," Nick confirmed. "I have a meeting with Casey tomorrow to go over testimony for trial. I'll ask her then. Alex too."

"Alright. Good. Who's going to the morgue in the next day or so? Anyone?"

"Don't have anyone down there now, but I can stop by tomorrow," Fin answered.

"At least we'll have a start then. Hopefully if she's not alone so often she'll be able to pull out of this. Unless anyone else has other ideas…?"

"Wouldn't hurt to bring her here once in a while."

"Only IAB wouldn't have it. Technically Liv's a civilian now. Having her hanging out in the squad room would be pushing the bill a little bit."

"What IAB doesn't know won't hurt 'em."

"That's not easy to do in the middle of the squad room, Fin."

His eyes met Fin's. If Fin could find a way to get Olivia involved every once in a while without being too obvious he was totally on board with that. If Olivia had a chance to work a case again, it would probably lighten her spirits more than anything else.

"I hear ya, Cap'n."

"Alright, back to work all of you. Rollins, if you finish early go ahead and head out."

"Yes, sir."

O . o . O . o . O

Rollins glanced down at her watch then back up at the door again. She'd knocked a few times and had generally been trying to get Olivia to let her in for about five minutes. So far she'd gotten nowhere. Cragen had warned Olivia someone was coming over, and Amanda knew Olivia wasn't in the habit of going out anymore. She should be home.

"Olivia, come on. I know you're home."

When that and another round of knocking didn't get her any further, Rollins went to her last option. Her phone. If Olivia didn't pick up she was out of alternatives.

"Hello…"

Amanda's heart nearly skipped a beat. Olivia's voice was barely audible and very weak.

"It's Amanda, Liv. Come open the door."

The only thing she heard in response was a dial tone. Amanda stared at her phone in shock. Had Olivia seriously just hung up on her? She reached up to the door to bang on it and give Olivia a real piece of her mind, but before she could get more than two knocks in the door opened.

"Please stop. I already have a headache."

"Liv. Shit."

Olivia's face was as white as fresh fallen snow. She could barely stay standing, and about the last thing she wanted to do was deal with Amanda. All she really wanted was to lie down in a dark room and not move. Perhaps even not move ever again.

Amanda would have rather seen Olivia in bed too. She was really concerned that Olivia would just fall over.

"Come on. Let's get you in bed, okay?"

Olivia didn't protest and let Amanda lead her back inside her apartment. Most of the job of carrying Olivia's weight was left to Amanda. The further they walked the more amazed Amanda was that Olivia had even made it to the door. No wonder it had taken so long. She lowered Olivia into bed and knelt down beside her.

"Want me to get you some aspirin? You got anythin' stronger?"

"Did already."

"Alrigh'. I'm gonna get you some ice and a cold towel."

Olivia mumbled what Amanda took as assent. When Amanda got back she wasn't even sure if Olivia was awake. Not wanting to wake her if she was asleep, Amanda gently draped the wet cloth over Olivia's head and slipped out of the room. She'd stick around for a little while in case Olivia needed something.

O . o . O . o . O

"Cabot and Novak are in," Nick informed Cragen as he stuck his head into his captain's office. "They even said they'd cover for us if we got stuck working through the night."

"Once Fin gets back I'll see what I can get set up."

Fin didn't get back for another hour and a half. Something must have come up along the way since he'd only been stopping at the morgue to talk to Melinda about Olivia and not a case. He had just taken a few steps into Cragen's office when another person arrived.

"Hold on a second, Fin," Cragen warned as he stood from behind his desk. "We have company."

Fin glanced past Cragen into the squad room and scowled when he spotted their guest.

"What's he doin' here?"

"Don't know, but I better go find out."

Cragen left Fin in his office and went out to greet Bayard Ellis. Whenever Ellis arrived Cragen expected trouble. He didn't have any idea why the lawyer would be here now though. They hadn't had any cases that involved civil rights.

"Counselor. What can I do for you?"

"Derrick Corgan."

"You're representing him?"

"That's right, and I need everything you have."

"John," Cragen called out.

"Sure thing, Captain. Follow me, Counselor."

As Munch and Ellis headed away from him Cragen couldn't help watching them, an idea slowly forming. He didn't truly know what Ellis' relationship with Olivia was, but he'd seen the two of them work together multiple times (sometimes when she shouldn't have been). At the very least they were friendly. How much Ellis actually cared about her was unknown. Cragen was relatively confident that Ellis did care though. Asking him certainly wouldn't do any harm. For now though, Ellis was busy, so Cragen would try to catch him on his way out.

"What'd he want?" Fin demanded once Cragen had returned to his office.

"He's taking on a case we worked. John's got it covered. What can you tell me?"

"That my trip to the morgue made me feel like an idiot."

"Oh?"

"Warner wondered why I even had to ask. Said to just tell her when and she'll be there. She's just as worried about Liv as we are and wants to do whatever she can to help."

"That makes eight of us then. Should be able to have a visitor with her at least three days a week."

"The more often the better."

Cragen nodded. As long as the visits didn't become too much for all of them he agreed. Three days shouldn't be too much for Olivia either. She would have time on her own and privacy enough that she shouldn't be too put out by visitors. They were, after all, trying to help her and not making things more difficult.

"I'm goin' to get some paperwork done so I have time to see her. Let me know when you have somethin' worked out," Fin said as he headed back into the bullpen.

Fin did have a point. As much as he wanted to work on setting something up for Olivia his job needed to come first. If he didn't focus enough on that he would never be able to help her in the end. Cragen got to work but was careful to still be aware of what was going on in the rest of the room. The conversation he wanted to have with Ellis would be much better in person than over the phone.

When John had finished getting Ellis everything he needed Cragen stopped him before he left.

"You have a minute?"

Ellis lifted an eyebrow at him in surprise. Working for the defense, he didn't usually have outside conversations with Cragen. They talked about the case if they talked at all.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Captain?"

"It's not about the case, Counselor. Or any other case."

Cragen motioned him toward his office, and thankfully, Ellis followed without argument. Ellis slid his hands into his pockets and stayed back near the room's windows. He hadn't asked for this meeting so he wasn't going to be the one to start it.

"I don't know how close you and Benson were. I'm acting under the assumption that you were at least friends on some level, but if I'm wrong you can ignore this whole conversation."

The expression on Ellis' face didn't twitch at all. Cragen could have asked him if he wanted a turkey sandwich on rye with no mustard for all the response he got.

"You've heard about her accident?"

"I have. I also heard she retired."

"She did, but she's struggling. If you care about her at all, call her."

"Struggling how?"

"That's not my place to say. Call her. She could use the extra support. Just consider it. For her sake."

For the first time since their conversation began Cragen actually got a response. Ellis nodded, and there was even the smallest flicker of a smile on his downturned face. Based on what he had just seen, Cragen thought Ellis would actually call.

"She deserves some extra help," Ellis confirmed.

"She does."


	9. Chapter 9 - The One I Know

Chapter Nine – The One I Know

Through the next week and a half everyone noticed a marked improvement in Olivia. They no longer worried about what they would see when they walked into her apartment. While it wasn't white glove test clean, her home was nowhere near the disaster zone Alex and Casey had described during their dinner visit. She'd begun taking care of herself more too, though initially it had been somewhat forced. Amanda had driven Olivia into the shower, and two days later Melinda had thrust new clothes on her as well as a good meal. By the time John stopped by he hadn't had much to complain about besides her lack of spark.

Olivia had climbed her way out of the dark pit she'd fallen into. Unfortunately she'd only bothered for their sake. She'd terrified Alex and Casey, scared Amanda nearly to death, and worried the guys and Melinda. No matter how much she was hurting, how much she was struggling, she couldn't keep harming her friends. Falling completely apart on the outside wasn't allowed anymore. She'd hidden her true feelings and much of the pain she was in since she was a child. It wouldn't be hard to do it again. For their sake she could pretend that she was alright.

When they were around Olivia used all of her energy to pay attention and come across as in control and managing. She forced color into her world for them when she'd been living in a faded existence that consisted mostly of greys.

As hard as she tried, her friends had still noticed. While she was doing better, her eyes held a glazed, dead look. It was always there no matter how hard she fought to mask it. The visits were helping, but they hadn't guided her out of the woods yet.

Fin knew Olivia's mood had been improving, but he also knew how talented she was at hiding herself. If he wanted to know how she was really doing planned visits wouldn't cut it. He'd have to make a surprise visit to get to the truth. Coming on a day when she'd already had a visitor would be even better.

"Hey, Amaro. You're meetin' Liv tomorrow for lunch, righ'?"

"Yeah. Could end up later depending on how court runs."

"But you'll be back here after that, yeah?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"Perfect."

Nick glanced at Fin in confusion but didn't ask for the reasoning behind all of the questions. Fin was incredibly glad for that. Even if Nick did keep the fact that Fin was planning on visiting from Olivia, she might have found reason to suspect something was up. It was better not to risk it.

O . o . O . o . O

Nick returned from visiting Olivia at a reasonable time which meant Fin's plan was a go. After the end of his shift Fin headed for Olivia's place, not worrying at all about her being home. It was only luck that made that true.

"Fin, what are you doing here?" Olivia asked when she opened the door and saw him there.

"What, I gotta have a reason to visit a friend?"

As Olivia's surprise started to fade Fin could see exhaustion start to seep into her face. With it came the pained look of someone who was already weakening while more and more was added to their plate.

"I'm on my way out in a few minutes."

She was trying to send him on his way, but Fin wasn't having any of it.

"Let me take you then. You won't have to take the subway or pay for a cab."

"Fin…"

"It's not goin' to hurt anythin', Liv," he pressed. "Come on."

Olivia sighed and simply gave up. She didn't have the energy to fight him. With any luck she'd be able to avoid as much conversation as possible along the way.

Fin humored her and only asked where she was going so he knew where to head. Other than that he let Olivia silently stare out the window. He watched her surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye at various times during the trip. She definitely wasn't as improved as they'd all thought.

Instead of stopping at the curb when he reached their destination Fin drove around until he found a parking spot. This wasn't some kind of doctor's appointment or therapy session that Olivia was basically required to attend. This was group therapy or a support group. From what he'd gathered this would be her first time attending too. Fin knew what Olivia felt about group sessions. He'd seen it after Sealview. If she made it through now, especially with a group she likely didn't feel she belonged in, he would be amazed.

"You want me to stick around?"

Olivia shook her head and pushed the door open so she could get out. Without looking back at him or saying a word she slipped out of the car and headed inside. Olivia hadn't asked him to stick around for her, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to anyway.

Olivia trudged into the building wishing she could be just about anywhere but where she was. Unfortunately she'd put off coming to the epilepsy support group for weeks, and Christine had really gotten on her case. If she didn't at least try once she'd never hear the end of it. When she reached the door Olivia stood there, rooted in place. Maybe it would be better to deal with Christine's constant prodding. She could probably learn to tune it out pretty quickly, and it would be less troublesome than this. That choice wasn't left up to her though as she was spotted and ushered inside. They hadn't started anything official yet, so after receiving brief instructions and reassurances that she barely listened to, Olivia took a seat to wait.

Before long a woman with long brown hair came over and sat down next to Olivia. She gave her a bright, beaming smile that Olivia didn't even try to return. Olivia was tired and didn't want to be there. She definitely wasn't going to go out of her way to be friendly. The other woman didn't seem to take Olivia's lack of smile personally. In fact, her expression shifted to one of understanding.

"You're new here." She didn't wait for any kind of confirmation or denial from Olivia before she went on. "It can be really scary for a while, but it gets better. You can learn how to manage the epilepsy."

_She thinks she knows so much, but she has no idea. I'm not in the same situation. This can't be managed. They can get back to their lives, and I can't. No matter how "managed" it gets, I can never go back._

Anger bubbled up in Olivia. She'd given up caring entirely, but directly thinking about what she'd lost was frustrating. Realizing that all of these people could get back to their lives only made it worse. She was going through the same thing, but she had no chance at all.

No. That was wrong. It wasn't the same thing. This hadn't happened to her for no reason that doctors could really understand. All of this had happened because an asshole who thought he was all that wanted one more "win" before he was put in jail.

"Were you just diagnosed?"

Olivia glanced at the other woman, and her eyes suddenly went from near blank to containing the fires of hell itself.

"No," she returned sharply, infusing her voice with as much venomous sting and sarcasm as she could manage. "I was interrogating a suspect while he was planning how to kill me for fun. He almost succeeded in pulling it off. Slammed my head into the wall multiple times."

Olivia was up out of her seat in a matter of seconds. Completely ignoring the other woman's stunned expression and gaping mouth, she near stomped toward the door and continued out. She couldn't do this. There was just no way. Even if she could it wouldn't help.

She had such tunnel vision from anger and overwhelming despair flooding her that she didn't notice Fin coming until he was directly in front of her. He caught her so much by surprise that she nearly slammed right into him when he grabbed her shoulders.

"Oh no you don't."

"What are you still doing here?" she demanded.

"I had to be sure you'd actually go, so I stuck around. Looks like it's a good thing I did."

"Go to hell, Fin. Just go to hell."

Fin would have gotten seriously pissed at her if he hadn't felt her shoulders shaking. She was barely holding it together, but she'd given him attitude. That was something he had to count as a good thing. The real Olivia was somewhere in there buried underneath all the pain and insecurity. While the Olivia Fin was seeing right now could never overcome this, the one he knew definitely could.

"I can't just let you walk away, Liv. I can't. I know this is really hard for you, but if your therapist thought this will help then it probably will."

If Fin thought Olivia was shut down before he hadn't seen anything yet. The walls she'd been using to hide what she was feeling were cracking. Her arms wrapped around herself for protection and she shook her head.

Fin let his voice soften a little bit and gently rubbed at her upper arm.

"Look at me. You're strong enough for this. You had the courage to deal with your PTSD and get help. You can do it again."

"I don't think I can. What do I even have to hold on to?"

"The Olivia Benson I know doesn't let fear run her life. Reach down inside and find her."

"That woman's gone, Fin."

"No she ain't. She just told me to go to hell."

Olivia stared at Fin in surprise, but he was really glad to see a flash of the old Olivia in that stare. What he'd told her had really seemed to sink in. Just leaving it where it was wasn't enough though. He needed to push just a tiny bit further.

"You gonna let me walk you back in now?"

"Do I have much of a choice?"

"Nope."

Olivia managed a tiny smile at his answer. There really hadn't been any point in answering his question since she could have predicted his response without any trouble.

"Alright."

Fin led her back toward the entrance of the building and opened the door for her.

"After you."

She rolled her eyes at him but walked in without argument.


	10. Chapter 10 - Know You

_Author's Note: Thank you all for your amazing reviews and words of encouragement recently. I will keep posting chapters consistently this week, but as a heads up, I will be leaving for vacation Sunday so you won't get chapters next week._

* * *

Chapter Ten – Know You

Olivia heard her cell ring but had no desire to get up to get it even though it was only on her bedside table. Her doctor had slightly altered her medication a few days ago, and she'd been dealing with exhaustion ever since. Hopefully the side effect wouldn't stick around very long, but if it did her doctor had confirmed they'd switch her meds again. For now though she had to deal with the near constant fatigue. If she hadn't been used to being woken up by a phone call she probably would have ignored the ringing. Instead she reached out and fumbled across the bedside table until her fingers connected with her phone. The entire time she hadn't even bothered opening her eyes.

"Hello?"

"Olivia."

The voice sounded familiar, but she couldn't quite place who it belonged to. Someone she knew, but beyond that she had no idea. She responded in a generic mumble that could have been taken as assent or greeting depending on who was on the other end of the call.

"It's Bayard Ellis. Did I catch you at a bad time?"

He didn't sound the least bit apologetic. In fact, he sounded more amused than anything else. Olivia wasn't used to hearing him like that which made it harder for her foggy brain to connect his voice with his name.

"Bayard?"

That stopped Ellis cold. Did she seriously not know who he was? He knew she'd been hurt bad enough to end her career, but he didn't know the full details. Had her injuries altered her memory?

"Do you know who I am, Olivia?" he asked in the way he would to a client that wasn't quite right in the head.

"Shit, Bayard. I'm messed up, but I'm not that messed up. Just tired. It took a while for what you were saying to get through."

"Didn't mean to wake you."

"It's fine. The meds have been knocking me out lately."

Normally she wouldn't have even considered telling Bayard half as much as she had. With her exhaustion and uncaring attitude she wasn't paying much attention to what she was sharing with him.

"Sounds like you could use some coffee."

"I would not argue with coffee."

"How about I meet you somewhere? It will be my treat."

"Ah… That's not a good idea. I try not to leave here. It's safer that way. Less chance I'll wind up back in the hospital."

"If you're willing, I'll bring it to you."

"You're going to drive all the way to my apartment when you should be working?"

"Consider it pro bono."

Olivia couldn't come up with a good way to turn him down, and she really could use a good coffee. Finally giving in, she gave Ellis her order and address. Once she'd hung up she glanced at the clock. 10:20. Sheesh. She dragged herself out of bed and went to get changed before Ellis arrived. By the time he knocked on the door she had almost fallen asleep as she sprawled out on the couch.

"Coffee," he said first thing once Olivia had opened the door.

Ellis knew better than to try to have a deep conversation with a cop before they'd had their coffee. Sometimes it was even better to wait until after the second cup. He waited patiently outside the door until she'd had a few sips.

"Going to invite me in?"

She stepped back to let him in and closed the door behind him. Ellis had never been to her home before and almost immediately began taking things in. The place was nice and obviously lived in, though he didn't see too much personalization to it. Considering how she had lived for the job, he wasn't all that surprised. What did surprise him was the oddly missing lamp. There was a strange open area that didn't make any more sense than the missing lamp. It seemed like a lot of wasted space to him. The artwork hanging on her fridge was curious too, but Ellis assumed it was from a victim she'd worked with. There had to be a story behind it. He didn't come here to evaluate her apartment though. He'd really come to evaluate her.

"All the time off led you to cut your hair I see."

Olivia stiffened instantly. Ellis had never come off as insensitive to her, at least not after she'd gotten to know him. He probably didn't know the details of her injuries and hadn't realized what he'd said. Regardless, Olivia didn't know how to respond. She couldn't even look at him. It was hard enough to deal with her injury on her own, and the last thing she needed was someone else pointing out the signs of it.

"Olivia?"

Bayard had noticed the sudden change in Olivia, but he wasn't sure what had caused it. Likely something he'd said. The only question was why.

"It's grown back." When she saw Bayard start struggling to find an appropriate reply, she took pity on him and filled in the holes. "I lost most of it because of the surgery. Head injury."

There was no point in asking if her injury was severe. If it hadn't been she wouldn't have retired. After the improvement he'd seen in her since the first day they'd met, he hadn't figured she would retire anytime soon. She cared too much. For her to leave it had to be bad.

"You're not wearing your necklaces either."

Not once had Ellis seen Olivia without at least one of her necklaces. Even when they'd met off the job she'd had them on. He had no idea what the significance behind the necklaces was, but he suspected there was one. Knowing Olivia there had to be a reason just as good not to wear them as she likely had for why those ones were always on.

Olivia looked down and fiddled with her coffee cup. It had a slightly rough texture, and she focused on the feel of it under her moving thumbs as she answered him.

"Some days I can't work the clasps."

It was true, but not the only reason. Her necklaces, make-up, hairstyle, none of that was worth bothering about anymore. Most days she pulled on whatever was handy and didn't take long to put on and ran a brush through her hair. The only days she paid much attention to what she put on were days when she had some form of therapy to go to.

She felt the couch cushion beside her sink down. Ellis sat watching her, waiting for her to look up at him. It took longer than he'd expected. As her eyes met his he realized there was more to what was happening than she'd shared. The look he was seeing in her eyes now almost mirrored what he had seen outside the courthouse. Before he could get a word in Olivia was on her feet.

"If you're done I can throw that out for you or get you something else."

"I'm fine."

Olivia nodded and moved toward the kitchen. She never made it. Halfway there she vanished from view and hit the ground. It wasn't very often that Olivia wound up on the ground and remained conscious. Even though she was aware, all Olivia could do was watch as her cup of coffee slowly spilled across the ground, creating a bigger and bigger pool. As the left side of her body continued jerking Olivia caught a brief glimpse of Ellis' legs before the rest of him came into view. Before he called for help she had to find a way to let him know she was okay. She tried to say something but didn't have enough control to get anything remotely understandable out. With control on her right side she thought she might be able to reach out to Ellis. While Olivia managed to get her hand out, the shaking made her miss Ellis completely. Thankfully he'd noticed the movement.

"Olivia?"

"Eyn." That was the best she could do, but at least he knew she'd heard him.

Ellis watched her closely as the seizure slowly subsided, his phone at the ready in case she took a turn for the worse. After a slow, shaky breath and a brief moment with her eyes closed to steady herself she gazed up at him.

"It's okay. I'm okay."

"You sure?"

Olivia nodded and pushed herself up on trembling arms. She almost hated the seizures she was aware of more than the violent grand mals that knocked her out. Being aware but unable to control her body or stop what was happening was terrifying. The experience was always panic inducing and made it hard to breathe. She had more control over a hostage situation where the gun was at her head than she did during her seizures. Ellis held out a hand, and Olivia let him pull her to her feet.

As unsettled as Olivia was, Ellis had expected a lot worse after what he'd witnessed. He assumed he would see the wide, glassy eyes of shock. Instead Olivia simply stood with her arms crossed protectively around herself and was rubbing at her upper arms. This couldn't be the first time she'd dealt with… whatever it was. Seizure? Stroke? Something completely different? He didn't really know, but he would definitely be asking if she didn't explain outright.

Olivia dropped down onto one of her bar stools and rubbed at her face.

"The head injury, ah, left me with recurring seizures. It's why I had to leave the force. You can't exactly go chasing down a suspect when you could collapse at any time. Shaking hands don't really help with firing a weapon either."

She was trying to make light of the situation so it didn't seem as bad as it really was. The last thing she wanted was pity from Bayard. She'd had enough of that, and it never helped anyway. Everyone in New York City could feel bad for her and want to do something, but she still wouldn't get her job back.

"How often?"

"At least once a day, usually more."

"Any chance it will get better?"

Olivia nearly laughed and shook her head.

"Not really. It might become more controlled, but what that really means…"

She shrugged. Controlled could mean anything from no seizures to a few grand mals per week. There was no for sure, especially when a head injury was involved.

"You've been dealt a rough hand. Doesn't mean you won't get through it."

"You have a lot more faith than me."

"Sometimes you don't know yourself very well."

Once again she shook her head in humorous disbelief. Bayard was being more than a little ridiculous in her point of view.

"And you know me better?"

"I knew you better two years ago."

"It's not the same. You were calling me out on a lie then."

"That doesn't mean I don't have faith in you now. You'll get through this, Olivia. And now I better be going. You still have my card."

It wasn't a question, and it wasn't a request to call him either. The comment was just a reminder that she had the means to contact him if she wanted to. It was kind of nice. He cared, but he wouldn't push.


	11. Chapter 11 - Loss

Chapter Eleven – Loss

"Liz, do you want me to call?"

Liz glanced up at her coworker and then back down at Olivia. They'd been having a completely normal therapy session. Olivia's balance that day had been relatively solid. After they'd gotten through the basic balance exercises Liz had started working with her on strength and response time. She and Olivia had been working together since Olivia had been in the hospital. They knew each other well, and Liz kept up to date on her patient's condition. She knew how to deal with seizures, plus she'd managed a few of Olivia's during their time together. None of them had been this bad.

She'd been giving Olivia a short break when the seizure struck. The minute it hit Liz glanced at the clock before moving anything that could potentially hurt Olivia out of the way of her thrashing body. Activity had nearly ground to a halt in the physical therapy room. Four minutes later the seizure was still going. Seizures that long weren't normal, and if it lasted much longer it would become dangerous.

Liz glanced up at the clock again before answering her coworker's question.

"Four minutes thirty seconds."

The seizure had eased, and Liz rolled Olivia onto her side.

"It's borderline. Let's see how she comes out of it first."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Liz stayed nearby until Olivia began to regain consciousness five minutes later. It didn't go well. Olivia's eyes flickered open but didn't focus on anything.

"Olivia?" Liz asked gently as she rested a hand on her shoulder.

Olivia stared back at Liz with a dazed expression and didn't say a word. After snapping her fingers near Olivia's ear and still getting no response Liz became worried.

"Call her doctor. I don't like how she's coming out of this. We should get her to the hospital."

Olivia didn't remember the ambulance ride over to the hospital or the initial intake. By the time she came back to full awareness she'd had three more seizures. Her doctor's face swam into view.

"Olivia, I'm going to give you something to stop the seizures for a little while so we can run some tests."

"Okay," she mumbled.

She felt her doctor lift her arm and the prick of a needle as it entered her skin. Weak and exhausted, Olivia closed her eyes against the light glaring above her. Her head felt like a bomb had gone off inside of it, and her entire body ached. All she wanted to do was rest.

O . o . O . o . O

Olivia spun her hospital bracelet around her wrist in agitation. She'd never been one for old magazines, and even if she had been her head hurt too much to do any reading. If she could have read and had wanted to, she would have been through all of the magazines a long time ago. Her hour long physical therapy had started at 9:30. It was now after three. She was frustrated and nauseous. Worse yet, it didn't look like she would be getting out any time soon.

"Excuse me," Olivia called out when she spotted a nurse.

"Yes?"

"Do you know how long it's going to be still?"

"I'm not sure. Let me check for you."

Olivia sighed and let her head flop back against the bed but instantly regretted it. She already had a headache, and she hadn't needed to make it worse.

"Olivia?" the nurse called out when she returned. "You're next on the list for an MRI. Shouldn't be too much longer."

Not too much longer wound up being another two hours. By the time Dr. Parson, who had worked with her since day one, came in to give her the results of her tests it was 6:30. Olivia was more than ready to go home.

"All of your tests came back clear. How are you feeling?"

"Ready to go home."

"I bet. Any nausea, altered vision?"

"I'm a little bit nauseous, but it's not too bad."

Which was a major under-exaggeration. She'd been nauseous for hours and was rather surprised she hadn't gotten sick yet. If she admitted that though she didn't figure her doctor would clear her to go home.

"Before we go any further I need to make sure you can walk. You're already showing one side effect of the injection. Being unsteady on your feet is another."

"Great…"

Her doctor took her arm and gently guided her off the bed.

"Nice and slow."

Once Olivia got to her feet she wasn't sure she could stay up. Already it felt like she was about to tip over, but she refused to reach out for anything for support. Unless she could show she was capable of standing and walking on her own she wasn't going home. Two steps in and there was nothing she could do. She wobbled sideways and if her doctor hadn't caught her she would have wound up on the ground.

"Alright. That's enough. Lean on me and take a few steps back so we can get you back in bed. Take your time and go as slow as you need to."

Olivia's frustration only grew as she stumbled backward with help. It felt like she was back at the beginning of her recovery again. Once she was safely perched on the edge of the bed Dr. Parson caught the edge of the rolling stool with the toe of his shoe and dragged it over. He sat down and met her eyes firmly.

"Here's the deal, Olivia. With the side effects you are demonstrating I don't feel comfortable leaving you unsupervised. Usually that would mean I would keep you right here until I was satisfied you could look after yourself."

Olivia groaned in defeat, but Parsons held up a hand to still her.

"I said usually. I know you well enough to recognize that keeping you here would be more likely to be detrimental than it would be beneficial. Since that's the case, I'm willing to make an exception. I will sign off on your release on the condition that you have someone staying with you and monitoring you for at least the next twelve hours, longer if the side effects are persisting. You will take it easy and have someone help you, which you shouldn't be too adverse to since you can't walk on your own. Does that sound reasonable?"

It did sound reasonable. Dr. Parsons was being more than generous, but Olivia still didn't like it. Without family the only people she could call were her former coworkers. The idea really wasn't appealing. They spent enough time off work and at her place than they should. Asking one of them to basically babysit her for twelve hours was too much. Yet what choice did she have? It was either call one of them or stay in the hospital.

"Yes, that's fine," she finally replied.

"I'll leave you to make the call then. When they get here have your nurse page me."

He had every intention of making sure the person that would be looking after Olivia had proper directions. If he just gave them to Olivia to pass on he wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if she shrunk or altered some of the instructions to make them more to her liking.

Olivia pulled her cell phone over to her and stared down at it. Who was she supposed to call? She wasn't going to bother Nick since he had family to go home to. John was out right away. Dealing with him was hard on a good day. When she already had a headache and her tolerance was at zero, spending time with John would be a death sentence. Cragen was out too. He'd seen more than he ever should have already. There was no way she could ask him to take care of her now. Even though she was no longer on the force, he was still her captain. That left Fin and Amanda. She could always call Casey or Alex too, but they could need the time off work to prepare a case. Olivia didn't want to take that away from them.

She sighed and scrolled through her contacts until she found Amanda's name. Between Fin and Amanda she would have more luck convincing Amanda she was fine on her own than Fin.

_"Rollins."_

"Hey, it's Olivia. Can I ask for a favor if you have time?"


	12. Chapter 12 - Here For You

Chapter Twelve – Here for You

"Hey, Liv."

Olivia pushed herself up from the hospital bed and stared at Melinda. What was she doing here?

The look on Olivia's face said it all, and Melinda answered the look before Olivia could even ask.

"A case came up, so Rollins called me. If someone at the morgue is needed my assistant will cover it so I can stay with you."

"Melinda, I've taken enough people away from their jobs."

"You're giving me a good reason to not go look at a dead body in the middle of the night. Don't worry about it."

Olivia called Parsons as she'd been ordered. When he arrived and began giving Melinda instructions Olivia seriously wished she'd just walked out AMA. Melinda knew what she was doing, and Olivia wouldn't be able to get anything past her. By the time she was placed in a wheelchair and pushed to the hospital entrance she was furious.

Melinda let Olivia brood in silence for the first half of the ride before she addressed her friend.

"What do you think you could keep down for dinner?"

"I'm not hungry," Olivia replied in a tone just one step before a snap.

"Having something in your stomach will probably ease the side effects you're feeling."

Olivia sighed. She really didn't want to fight with Melinda, especially since Melinda was the reason she wasn't spending the night in the hospital. There was only so much she could humor Melinda though, and she had very little leftover energy to engage in a civil conversation.

"I don't really care, Melinda."

She let her head fall against the window and closed her eyes. Melinda glanced her way then reached out to rest her hand on top of Olivia's. The action didn't even receive a glance. It worried Melinda just a bit, but after the amount of time Olivia had spent in the hospital that day she couldn't expect her to be in that good of a mood. She'd pick up some Italian for them for dinner. Pasta should sit well on Olivia's stomach. Want to or not, Olivia would be eating at least a little.

O . o . O . o . O

Olivia pushed her linguine back and forth across her plate as she stared down at her meal. She'd eaten a little, but it hadn't been enough to appear like she'd had any. It would probably be noticed. Melinda had sat down on the couch beside her, but they hadn't really spoken. Olivia simply wasn't in the mood.

"Olivia," Melinda said softly, but Olivia didn't even look up. "Do you want anything else?"

Olivia shook her head without a word causing Melinda to sigh and gently rub Olivia's back.

"Try to have a bit more, okay?"

While Olivia nodded her assent all she did was continue to play with her pasta. Melinda left her to it and began cleaning up their meal. For now she would leave Olivia to her own devices, but if the silent treatment continued much longer she would not be as accepting.

Olivia took one more bite of her dinner and flopped down across the couch. The independence she'd felt she'd lost previously felt like nothing compared to now. Before today she'd at least been capable of living alone in her own home. Now, temporary or not, she couldn't even be by herself. It was a big blow. Olivia didn't know how to face it, and she didn't want to deal with it. If she didn't have friends to help her she'd be hospitalized or in a nursing facility. That wasn't supposed to happen until she was old, grey, and had already lived her life. Was it even worth trying to hold on like this? All she seemed to be doing was inconveniencing her friends while still not getting the real independence she wanted. Olivia laid there staring at the clock on her cable box for a long time before she actually realized what time it was. She needed to take her next round of medication. In order to do that though, she would have to ask Melinda to bring it over. As sick as she was of asking for help, this wasn't something she could avoid. Missing a round of her medication was a really bad idea.

"Melinda? Could you bring the pill bottles on the counter over? And a glass of water?"

"Sure, Liv."

Melinda gathered what she'd asked for and set everything down on the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Do you need help sitting up?"

Olivia shook her head and pushed herself up before reaching for her first bottle. Thankfully she always made sure she didn't get bottles with child proof caps. The regular ones were hard enough to get off on a bad day. She popped all of her pills into her mouth and downed them together with a sip of water. After setting the glass down she glanced up at Melinda, met her eyes briefly, and looked down again.

"Thanks."

"I'm glad to see that even though you won't talk to me you'll at least ask when you need something."

Olivia winced. What was she supposed to say? I'm sorry just didn't seem good enough, yet she had nothing else.

"I'm sorry. I just…"

"Don't know how to cope with this," Melinda finished for her. "This is only temporary. By tomorrow you'll be back on your feet again."

"Yeah, back on my feet," Olivia muttered. She may be back on her feet the next day in the literal sense, but that was about it. Tomorrow wouldn't really bring the end to her trouble. It would just leave her back in the same dark space she'd been living in for months. If it could even be called living.

O . o . O . o . O

Melinda and Olivia spent the rest of the evening on the couch watching television and talking. While there wasn't too much talking taking place, Olivia was trying to be aware of how much she was talking and was making sure to always answer Melinda. As for the television, it was on, but Olivia was hardly watching it. Her eyes were generally in that direction, but they were unfocused and glazed. She just didn't care about what was playing. It really wasn't the least bit important. After how much time she'd spent in front of the television these past few months, there weren't a considerable number of shows that could hold her attention anymore.

She got so lost in the void of her head that it took Melinda a few tries to catch her attention.

"Are you planning on spending the night on the couch or do you want to get to bed?"

"I'll just stay here and save you the trouble of moving me."

"Are you sure, Liv? It's no trouble."

"Yeah. It's okay."

"Do you need anything before I head to bed?"

"No."

"You'll call me if you need anything though?"

"Sure, Melinda."

"Okay."

Melinda wasn't sure she truly believed Olivia would call her unless it was an emergency. By three in the morning Melinda realized she'd been wrong. It was just too bad she'd been wrong in the worst way. Olivia hadn't even called her during what Melinda would have considered an emergency. The quiet sound of sobbing had woken Melinda, and she'd slipped quietly into the living room. She found Olivia sitting on the ground a foot from the couch, her head buried in her arms.

"Liv?"

Olivia choked back a final sob and lifted her head out of her arms. The first thing Melinda noticed was Olivia's red-rimmed eyes, but she was quickly drawn to the growing bruise on Olivia's forehead. Without wasting a moment Melinda hurried into the kitchen and dug around in the freezer until she found an ice pack. When she returned to Olivia's side Melinda handed the ice over.

"Put that on your head and tell me what happened."

"Woke up on the floor. Tried to get up. Fell again."

Olivia's explanation was choppy and her eyes kept darting around. Melinda was a bit worried she was going into shock.

"Look at me, Olivia."

As Olivia met her eyes Melinda became a little less worried. Olivia was responding and her eyes were focused and clear. It looked like Olivia had more scared and upset herself than anything else.

"Slow your breathing down. You're okay, just surprised and disoriented."

The moment Olivia listened to the directions she started to calm. Melinda stayed by her side until she was sure Olivia had her head on straight. Once she did Melinda left her alone to make tea for both of them. She set the two cups on the coffee table and bent to help Olivia to her feet and onto the couch. When Olivia was settled Melinda handed her the tea.

"Does that happen a lot?"

"Which part?"

"Coming to that disoriented and scared?"

Olivia shook her head gently.

"The first few times, but not for months unless the seizure was really bad."

"The fact that your legs are still unsteady probably did it then."

"Probably," Olivia confirmed softly. "You should go back to sleep. You've got work tomorrow, and I'm okay."

"I have worked with little sleep you know."

"I know, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get some."

"I will, but don't think you'll be getting more than I will. I'm not leaving until I know you can walk on your own."

Which meant that when Melinda needed to leave for work she'd be walking Olivia up to test her ability to stand alone. Olivia gave her a wry smile in reply.

"I guessed as much."


	13. Chapter 13 - Forgetfulness Hurts

Chapter Thirteen – Forgetfulness Hurts

Another day, another struggle to get up and do anything. She'd ventured out a few times in the last two weeks to get coffee or take a short walk down the street, but doing so was terrifying and it frayed her nerves. Two times was more than enough for her. It hurt too much and never got her anywhere. She was living in a Mobius loop. There was no way out no matter what she did. Forward, backward, it would all lead her to the same place with the same view. In the end it wasn't worth the effort. With nowhere to go and nothing to do, Olivia hadn't even bothered to get out of bed. She had no real intention to either, except perhaps to get some food and go to the bathroom. Food was rather questionable too. While she'd been eating, the amount had decreased significantly. She wasn't that interested, and she didn't exactly need the extra calories to have enough energy for massive physical activity like chasing suspects. The result was a slight (or more than slight) loss of weight, but Olivia wasn't bothered by it. She rarely looked in the mirror anymore anyway.

The ring of her phone startled Olivia out of her half sleep, and she scowled at it.

"Hello?"

She'd been going for bland, but it had come off more as irritated. Oh well.

"Hey, Liv. It's Fin. You busy? Goin' anywhere?"

"When am I ever busy or going somewhere?"

Fin didn't comment on her bitterness. He didn't tell her much more before he hung up either.

"Good. See you in a bit."

"What?! Hey, Fin!" Olivia protested, but he was already gone.

She swore and dragged herself out of bed. If she wanted to she could ignore Fin completely and not let him in, but it probably wouldn't do much good. Even if she shut her phone off to avoid his calls when he couldn't get in, he'd still find a way to pester her. He could even get the super to open her door. Like it or not, she had to accept that he'd be joining her. That left one question. Did she bother to get dressed? Olivia glanced down at what she had on and quickly evaluated it. Yoga pants and a loose t-shirt, both relatively clean. Nope, she wasn't going to bother to change.

The knock at her apartment door came half an hour later. Olivia opened the door and offered Fin her best smile, which looked more like a strained grimace than anything else.

"What's with that look? Ya gonna let me in?"

"Nothing," Olivia answered as she stepped aside so he could enter.

Fin headed for the couch and dropped down onto it before holding a file out to her. Olivia took it and immediately noticed the NYPD seal on front. For a long time she could only stare at it. Finally she looked at Fin, though the stunned expression was still on her face.

"Fin, what is this?"

"Sixteen years on the job I'd think you'd know what it is."

"Is this open?"

"Open but pretty cold. I was hopin' you might see somethin'."

She sighed and dropped the file onto the coffee table.

"You're just trying to make me feel useful."

Fin had brought the file to Olivia in hopes that it would improve her mood. In general, yes, he was doing this to make Olivia feel useful. It was more than that though. They really were stuck on the case, and Cragen had, roundaboutly at least, given permission to get Olivia's help as long as it wasn't obvious. The chance of her finding anything that could really help them wasn't very high, but it was worth a shot.

"We're stuck, Liv. Anythin' you could find would help."

"You realize you can't share open cases with someone outside of the force."

And she was outside of the force now.

"Nobody has to know."

Olivia stared at him, and a light smile twitched across Fin's lips. He was serious. In a way, it didn't surprise her. They'd all covered for each other and hidden things before. It wouldn't bother Fin in the least to do so again.

"So you get to claim credit for anything I find?" she teased lightly.

"Since when did you care about credit?"

She smiled and tugged the file to her again. As she flipped it open to look through she had to remind herself that this was only temporary. Getting excited about it would only hurt more later. Unfortunately the farther she got into the file the harder it was to distance herself from it. While Olivia looked over the file Fin contented himself with paperwork for other cases. He had more than enough to do to give Olivia and hour or two with the file. She took almost the full two hours before she began flipping back and forth between two pages. The sound of the increased rustling caught Fin's attention.

"Got somethin'?"

"Maybe. Take a look at these witness statements. Same person, different times. He changes his statement just slightly the second time when he's asked about the people he saw nearby. Could have wanted to make the story fit."

"Or he remembered more later."

"That's possible too. We won't know unless we talk to him."

"We, Liv?"

Her face paled, and she looked down. In the excitement of a possible break she'd forgotten the truth. There was no "we." She was only part of this because Fin was desperate, wanted to humor her, or both. Interviewing witnesses was over for her.

Fin was really wishing he hadn't said that. The 180 degree change in her had been almost instantaneous. She had completely shut down again. In fact, she might be even worse now than she had been when he'd arrived. His attempt to help her and his one moment of thoughtlessness had caused a lot of harm.

"Shit, Liv. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I needed the reality check."

Her dead tone squeezed Fin's heart.

"Olivia, I didn't…"

"You should go interview him," she instructed quietly as she handed him the file.

Before Fin could protest or try to smooth things out anymore, Olivia was on her feet and moving toward the door. She held it open for him but kept her eyes glued to the floor. Fin could only watch her sadly as he left.

O . o . O . o . O

Fin walked into Cragen's office and closed the door gently behind him. By the time he turned around to face Cragen the captain knew something was very wrong. The expression on Fin's face was nearly indescribable. About the best Cragen could come up with was pure agony. Worry settled heavily onto him.

"What happened?"

"I screwed up, Captain. I was tryin' to help, but I only made it worse. She's hurtin' so bad right now. If we don't do somethin' I'm not sure there's gonna be anythin' left of her."

Cragen nodded sadly and ran a hand over his head.

"Go get everyone, Fin. There's no point putting this off any longer."


	14. Chapter 14 - Last Bet

_Author's Note: I was really tempted to be evil and hold onto this chapter until after I got back from vacation since it's the first indication of where this story is actually going, but I took pity on all of you and decided to update on schedule. _

* * *

Chapter Fourteen – Last Bet

Cragen hadn't wanted to reveal what he'd been working on for Olivia quite yet. While many of the details had been worked out there were still a few questions he'd wanted to get covered. His last couple concerns were going to have to wait. He had enough to move forward, and from what Fin had said moving forward on this was a necessity. As Fin gathered the other detectives and they started to trickle in, Cragen began looking through his desk to find the information he wanted to share.

When Amanda entered she gently touched her partner's shoulder, and when he looked up at her she could see the pain deep in his eyes that he couldn't even begin to hide.

"You okay?" she asked softly so only he could hear.

"Been better."

She didn't have a chance to ask anything more before Nick walked in to finish out their group. After Nick had joined them he glanced around at the other faces in the room, looking for answers. Amanda shrugged at him, unable to offer any insight. About all any of them knew was that Cragen wanted them and Fin looked like he'd been kicked in the balls. Nick also knew not to push for answers from Cragen, so he waited patiently.

"Have any of you heard of Paws with a Cause?"

Cragen received general head shakes all around which wasn't that surprising. While the name itself probably meant nothing to them, the concept behind the agency shouldn't be unfamiliar.

"Is that one of those places that trains service dogs?" Nick asked.

"A couple of those groups work with military vets," Munch added.

Cragen nodded confirmation to both responses. They were on the right track. He handed Paws' brochure over to Nick. Amanda moved toward him and glanced over at the pamphlet as well.

"They've worked with vets before. A few first responders too. Olivia would be a good candidate."

"And if they don't agree?" Munch asked.

"They already have. I've talked to the program director, Marshelle Braxton. I told her about Olivia, who she is and what she's dealing with right now. She agreed that Olivia would likely qualify for the program. There's a chance a dog could help her after her seizures too."

"How long you been workin' on this, Cap'n?" Fin asked.

"A few weeks. I had a couple more questions about how a dog could respond to her seizures, so I was waiting to bring it up."

"Think about how much that could help her on the days she's so shaky," Rollins said excitedly.

"Promoting laziness?" Munch asked sarcastically.

"Nah, man," Fin corrected. "Promotin' independence. She's got nothin' left right now."

"It's worth a try," Amanda agreed. "She doesn't want to go out alone in case somethin' happens. If she had a dog with her that could get help we might be able to get her out of her apartment."

"So what do we gotta do?" Fin asked.

"Fill out a lot of forms about her, but that's the easy part," Cragen replied.

"And the hard part?" Amaro asked.

"Convincing Olivia."

He wasn't all that sure Olivia would go for the idea no matter how much convincing they did. Not only did Olivia not seem to care about much of anything anymore, having a service dog wouldn't stop the seizures.

"Good luck with that," Munch told him.

"What, you really don't think she would go for it?" Rollins asked in surprise.

Munch glanced over the top of his glasses at her.

"Would you want a glaring sign of your disability parading around with you all the time?"

"That's not what a service dog is," Rollins protested.

"It could be seen that way," Nick admitted. "And Liv likes to keep things hidden."

"Like she's hidin' in her apartment? We have to at least try."

"No one is saying that we won't, Amanda. We're just saying it's going to be hard," Cragen soothed. "Now if anyone has ideas on that count now's the time to share."

Silence filled Cragen's office as the detectives took a moment to consider their options. No fantastic ideas made themselves known.

"I got somethin'," Fin admitted, "but it ain't great. Don't know if it'll do any good."

"Better than what any of us have. What have you got, Fin?" Cragen asked.

"Get all the paperwork done, all the forms. Use it to our advantage. We did all the work; does she really want to waste all the time we put in?"

"Bit underhanded don't you think?" Munch pressed.

"You got a better idea?"

Munch shrugged but didn't answer. He didn't have another idea, better or not. When none of the others offered anything else either Cragen took over.

"Okay, for now we go with that. While you work on the paperwork for her keep thinking. We might need every trick in the book."

"And a few that haven't been invented yet," Munch muttered.

"Then for Olivia's sake, John, go invent them."

Fin clapped his former partner on the shoulder and grinned.

"Have fun with that, man."

"Alright," Cragen cut in before another flurry of arguments could begin. "I'll get all of you the paperwork as soon as I can. Hopefully we can have it all done in a week. We can talk to her then. For now, back to work, all of you."

O . o . O . o . O

"This… is a lot of paperwork," Nick said as he flipped through the various pages he'd been given. "Especially when we don't know if Olivia will even agree to this."

"Personality survey, questions about describing her, an essay? Really?" Munch mused.

"It doesn't have to be long, John. You've known her sixteen years. Longer. I think you can manage," Cragen explained calmly.

He'd already completed half of the paperwork himself. It hadn't been easy, and he's spent quite a bit of time considering each answer. Before her injury Cragen could have answered the questions about her faster than he could have answered them about himself. Now though he wasn't sure. Her personality was so different.

"Captain, what are we supposed to be basin' our answers on? Rate her one to ten on how assertive she is. A nine or a three?"

"I was trying to figure that out myself, Fin. Do whatever you think will work best. Two forms, two answers, answers with explanations, averages. It's up to you."

"You want 'em when we're done?" Rollins asked.

"By the end of the week as long as you don't get too swamped here. This has to be done on your own time."


	15. Chapter 15 - Jumping the Gun

Chapter Fifteen – Jumping the Gun

"You're Don Cragen?"

"Marshelle Braxton?"

"That's me."

Cragen reached out and shook Marshelle's hand firmly. He'd spoken with the head of Paws with a Cause a few times over the phone and multiple times through email, but they'd never met in person. This was the first time he'd been down to the training center too.

"It's nice to finally meet you. I brought the personality assessment paperwork."

He handed it over, and though Marshelle took the file she didn't look through it.

"Is your detective on board?"

With the number of times they'd spoken Marshelle had gotten the drift that the woman Cragen wanted to bring into the program hadn't agreed yet.

"We haven't spoken to her about it yet."

She tried really hard not to let her jaw drop, but it happened anyway. Situations like this one didn't happen that often. The only thing that came close was when a parent set the first session up and treated it as a surprise for their child. This was so much different.

"Captain, you can't make this decision for someone else. She has to decide this is what she wants on her own."

"I know. I couldn't force Olivia into anything anyway. She's incredibly stubborn. Right now she's given up trying. The only way to get her to consider this is to get the process started."

When it looked like Marshelle was going to argue with him Cragen quickly went on.

"You don't have to do anything with that yet. If Olivia decides she doesn't want to do this we're the only ones who wasted our time."

Marshelle sighed. This was far more complicated than she'd expected, but she knew that the decision to get a service dog was a difficult choice. If this woman was still struggling with admitting she had a severe injury and needed help to live a normal life it would be even harder.

"Alright. I'll take this and wait. I have to tell you though, I can't go any further without her confirmation that she wants to go this route. Once I hear from her I can get some more information from her doctors, and we'll go from there."

"That's all I'm asking," Cragen confirmed.

"When are you planning to talk to her?"

"This weekend. I don't know how long it will take to convince her or for her to make any decision."

"I'll be waiting then."

Cragen nodded and clasped her hand once again.

"Thank you for your help. For giving us hope. And Olivia hope if we can convince her."

Marshelle watched Cragen head to his car and drive away as she tapped the file folder gently against her leg. While the process for this client was already a bit of a mess, she couldn't help being curious. Cragen had told her quite a bit about Olivia. Even though they hadn't met, Marshelle felt for Olivia and wanted to help her. There were quite a few people she wished she could help, but not everyone would benefit from a service dog and even less qualified. So far Olivia did qualify, and Marshelle suspected having a dog would help pull her out of the depressive state it sounded like she was in.

Curiosity flashed through her again. She worried at her lower lip and glanced down at the file folder that contained almost everything she needed to get a clear picture of who Olivia was. It wouldn't hurt to take a look at the information. Leaving the front lobby Marshelle headed down to her office. She pulled the papers out and was rather surprised by the number of them. Every client coming in needed to have three people fill out the forms about the client's personality so it was possible to pair the person with the right dog. The wrong match wouldn't provide the best support. From the number of pages she was seeing at least seven people had filled them out. When she realized why there were so many pages she couldn't help wondering why she thought this case would get any easier. Two of the people had felt it was necessary to include double of each form, one for before Olivia's injury and one for after. She moved the forms into five separate piles, one for each writer. Immediately she read the one question that would give her the best picture the fastest.

_How would you describe the person's personality in one word?_

**Don Cragen – ****_Independent. _**_Olivia is incredibly capable of looking after herself and dealing with obstacles that would cripple another person. Even with a long list of challenges throughout her life, her head injury is the first thing that she hasn't been able to overcome. Even so, she still refuses help as often as possible. The mask she perfected years ago to hide how much she is hurting (emotionally or physically) remains firmly in place. Olivia has an intense need to handle things on her own so she appears strong and capable despite every situation._

**John Munch – ****_Stubborn._** _But really in a good way most of the time. She sticks to her guns and will give you a run for your money over just about anything. I seriously wish you luck._

Marshelle smiled slightly. What she'd just read seemed to fit in as perfectly as a puzzle piece with what she'd already learned about Olivia. This woman was not going to make things easy. Still, so far Marshelle hadn't seen anything to indicate Olivia's personality was all that different now. She searched through the stacks to find one that had used before and after answers and began to read again.

**Amanda Rollins – (Before) ****_Inspirational_****. **_I was impressed with Olivia's abilities as a detective long before I met her. When I finally did I came to realize that Olivia was more than the star reports made her out to be. She was a supernova. She could piece together the smallest details and was an unstoppable force when she had a goal in mind._

**Amanda Rollins – (After) ****_Empty_****. **_Olivia's fire is almost completely gone. She's given up. There had always been this light in her eyes, but now you're lucky if you see anything but a dulled reflection of yourself looking back at you. I'm not even sure if the Olivia Benson that used to be there exists anymore._

Well, that painted a completely different picture. Marshelle glanced down at the list of dogs she had written (so much or not moving further) and frowned. Most of them wouldn't fit at all with this new meek, quiet personality Amanda Rollins was describing. It was a whole different subset she should be looking at. Hopefully after reading the final two responses she would have a better idea what to go with.

**Odafin Tutuola –** (She'd had to read that name twice.) **_Caring/Empathetic_****. **_If tearing her heart completely out of her chest would help someone that had gone through trauma Olivia would do it in an instant. She gives more of herself than anyone should ever need to, and she does it over and over and over again. It's not just that she's kind to everyone that needs her either. She can take someone's worst moment, connect with them, and help them through. Someone needs to do that for her because even now she's trying to make things easier for us, and we're the ones trying to help __**her**_**.**

**Nick Amaro – (Before) ****_Determined. _**_Olivia fought for what she believed in, and if something didn't work out she fought harder. Nothing would stop her from getting to the truth or trying to make things right. Give up wasn't even a word in her vocabulary. Nothing could break her._

**Nick Amaro – (After) ** _I can't even pick one word to describe her now. Lethargic? Hopeless? Broken seems to be the best fit because the accident broke her. She won't fight back anymore, and her spirit is gone. About the only thing she's determined to do is stay in her apartment._

The final two left Marshelle even more confused. A few of Olivia's colleagues seemed to think there were still races of the old Olivia there. If that was true the right circumstances could bring those traces out again. In that instance she'd do just fine with a dog that needed the owner to stand up and take the lead role. Should the old traits not return, with a dog like that Olivia would be walked right over.

Well, there was time, and Marshelle certainly had enough to think about to fill it.


	16. Chapter 16 - A Page from the ADA's Book

Chapter Sixteen – A Page from the ADA's Book

How were they going to talk to Olivia about the chance to get a service dog? It was the question that had been weighing on the entire squad's mind Friday evening and Saturday morning. They had decided to meet at the coffee shop near Olivia's apartment early that afternoon to strategize how to go about their task before they actually went to talk to her. Everyone was anxious and hoping one of the others had had a brilliant flash of insight that might make the terrain they were about to cross not seem quite so treacherous.

Rollins was the first to arrive and grabbed a muffin and seat near the window. She hadn't needed to wait too long for the others. Besides Cragen, they'd all arrived quickly.

"Cragen trying to give us all high blood pressure?" Nick muttered as he twisted his coffee cup around on the table.

"He'll be here, kid," Munch reminded him. "Start getting your patience running. You're going to need it once we get to dealing with your old partner."

"Don't remind me."

"It's my job to remind you."

"Easy, John," Cragen soothed as he walked in. "Let's not get everyone riled up before we even begin."

"Glad you could join us, Cap'n," Fin teased.

Cragen simply shook his head and sat down. He really wasn't that late. They could have used the extra time to come up with a better way to deal with Olivia if his slight tardiness had been that big of a deal.

"All of the paperwork is turned in, so we are good to go with that. Anyone have any other ideas?"

He was met with mostly blank looks of despair from his people. It wasn't like he could blame them though since he hadn't come up with any better ideas either.

"We could always try to push the fact that it wouldn't hurt to try," Nick offered weakly.

Fin and Munch nodded their approval. Like Nick, they knew it wasn't the best option, but at this point they'd take anything they could get. Cragen's attention wasn't on Nick. He was focused on Amanda and the curious expression on her face. There was an idea cooking somewhere there, but it obviously wasn't completely formulated. He'd take it regardless and hopefully together they would be able to finish out the idea she had starting.

"Rollins?" he pressed lightly.

Amanda took a few more minutes to think before she turned her attention to Cragen and her fellow detectives.

"Is there any way we could relate it to workin' a case?"

Cragen's eyebrows rose. He was rather impressed by the suggestion, and it was definitely worth exploring further. From the expressions on his other detectives' faces they all agreed and were busy trying to figure out how to make her idea work. When Rollins didn't receive any kind of verbal response she shifted nervously in her seat.

"We all know how she works cases," she added, assuming they didn't understand or like the idea. "I mean, she keeps tryin' somethin' else 'til she gets a break."

"This is that somethin' else," Fin confirmed.

"Like a canvass," Munch added. "You don't know if you'll get anything worthwhile from it, but you go anyway because there's a chance you could. It's worth freezing your ass off to do just for the few times you get a lead."

"I still had to listen to you complain," Fin countered.

That comment triggered amused laughter from all of them. The laughter was enough to lighten the mood and give everyone a much needed dose of confidence. They were ready to talk to Olivia. With the new strategies and a little luck on their side they might actually have a shot at convincing her.

O . o . O . o . O

About the last thing Olivia had expected when she opened her apartment door was the entire squad to be standing outside. At first she could only stare at them dumbfounded. They'd all visited before, but not together. Not like this.

"What's going on?"

"What, not going to invite us in, Liv?" Munch asked.

Olivia stared at him like she didn't know what the question meant but finally stepped aside. Her friends filed in, and each found a spot to sit or stand. After closing the door Olivia came to join them, her eyes darting from one person to the next.

"Guys, really, you're scaring me."

"We have a proposition for you, Olivia. You just need to start out with an open mind," Cragen explained.

Olivia looked briefly confused, and then Cragen was concerned she was just going to throw them out and tell them all to go to hell. In the end she seemed to deflate and dropped down onto the couch with a weary sigh.

"Why are you all still trying?"

"Why are you not?" Fin asked.

Olivia glanced up at him fleetingly, sadly, and then rubbed at her face. She had an answer, but she didn't want to argue. Unfortunately her reason for not arguing was the same as her one for not trying. There really just wasn't a point since she wouldn't get anywhere.

"Okay…"

Cragen handed her the brochure he'd given Nick when he'd initially brought the idea up. Olivia glanced over the front page and frowned. The response wasn't unexpected though.

"A service dog?" she asked incredulously.

"Keep an open mind," he reminded her. "I spoke with the woman that runs the company. She's willing to work with you. She's worked with military personnel and first responders before. You qualify, and you could benefit from it."

"Captain..."

"You can't give up, Olivia," Rollins protested. "You wouldn't give up on cases, don't do it now."

"It's like canvassing the neighborhood. You give up and decide not to do it because you probably won't get anything and you could miss the break you need. What have you got to lose?" Nick pressed. "Go see what they could do just in case."

"Ah," Olivia responded weakly. She still wasn't sure what to think about this idea of theirs. It sounded a bit ridiculous to her. Beyond that, she really didn't want to get her hopes up. Chances were this whole service dog concept wouldn't pan out or help her as much as they predicted it would. "I'm really not a dog person."

It seemed like a legitimate excuse to her, and she wasn't the least bit ashamed to use it. Nick didn't miss a beat and immediately countered.

"Because you never had time to take care of one before. The job wouldn't have let you. Now you could. Besides, this isn't a dog you'd need to train. It's a dog that would help you."

"Some of these dogs are specifically trained to help people with seizures too, Olivia," Cragen added.

"I really don't think this is a good idea," Olivia admitted.

Despite what she'd said, she was wavering just slightly. She hadn't shut them down right away, and her refusal hadn't been as adamant as they'd expected. A little bit more of a push and they might have her.

"Paperwork's done already, Liv," Fin told her. "Cragen turned it in a few days ago."

"So you better not waste our efforts. It was a lot of writing," Munch added. "I still have hand cramps."

Fin shot his former partner a dark glare, and Cragen shook his head.

"The choice is yours, Olivia," Cragen corrected. "Don't listen to John."

"You guys really want me to do this, don't you?"

She looked around at each of them in turn. Fin in her arm chair, and Amanda perched on the arm. Nick leaning against the wall. John on the far end of the couch, and Cragen hovering nearby. Every head nodded in confirmation.

"We want to see you get some part of your life back," Nick said sincerely. "This might be the break you need."

Olivia sighed and scrubbed at her face with her hands. Already she was regretting the decision she was about to make.

"Alright, alright. What do I have to do?"

Immediately faces lit up and tensions locking shoulders rigidly eased. Olivia even caught Fin and Rollins fist bump each other out of the corner of her eye. It was pretty ridiculous in her view. They were all treating her agreement as some kind of major victory. In her mind there was no way it was a major anything besides a major risk. As for victory, she wouldn't know if that was true until she had a dog and determined whether it would actually help her.

Cragen picked up the brochure Olivia had pretty much discarded onto her coffee table earlier in their discussion and flipped it open to the inside where contacts for the center were listed.

"Call this number and ask for Marshelle Braxton. She runs the organization. Give her your name. She should recognize it since we've already met and started the process in motion. She'll let you know what she needs from your doctors and any other information you'll need to give her. When you have times for your visits set up, let us know. We'll get you there."

Olivia stared down at the paper in her hand and then up at Cragen with the same incredulous look. It was a lot to take in at one time. She vaguely wondered how long they'd all been planning this but figured it wasn't really worth asking.

"Okay. I just hope you know what you're doing."

Because Olivia really felt like she'd just plunged into a pool that she had no idea how deep it was. She knew absolutely nothing about caring for a dog. There was a very good chance she was getting in over her head. Her life was hard enough right now. She didn't need more trouble added on.

* * *

_Author's Note: Well, I'm officially back and uploading normally again. Vacation let me write 15 pages of the sequel to this, so at least that story is getting somewhere. I doubt it will be ready to post when this one is finished, but it should be pretty far along by that point at least._


	17. Chapter 17 - Window

Chapter Seventeen – Window

Christine had been standing and watching Olivia for quite some time now and the other woman hadn't even noticed. Early in their meetings Olivia had shown the same signs of being lost in thought. More often than not Christine had had to call her name to get her attention. Lately if Olivia didn't notice she could come in for her session it was because she was simply lost. She'd decided to check out.

That wasn't the case this time. Every so often Christine caught a line appear on Olivia's forehead, and she'd frown like she'd just thought of something she didn't quite like or hadn't considered before. Her mind was definitely churning. The question was, about what?

Olivia was still looking out the window when Christine reached her, and she only glanced up when she heard her name. She blinked incomprehensively for a moment before standing.

"All set?" Christine asked.

"Yeah."

Christine waited until they were seated in her office before she started in on trying to find out what had her client so thoughtful.

"What's been going on, Olivia?"

She'd been expecting a general answer that would require her to dig deeper to find out what was actually happening. Instead she got a direct answer that didn't require any interpretation or extra questions. It was rather refreshing.

"My coworkers set things up to get me a service dog."

Normally if she'd said coworker she would have immediately corrected herself and been either irritated or depressed. This time Olivia hadn't even seemed to notice her slight slip up. That was almost as nice to see as the fact that Olivia hadn't danced around what was bothering her.

As for what had been occupying Olivia's attention, Christine wasn't sure what to think exactly. She didn't know much about service dogs, and this was the first time Olivia had mentioned the possibility. Christine was rather excited. This opportunity could really help Olivia. She didn't even need to know much about service dogs to realize that. Even so, no matter how much she believed this could help Olivia, she didn't want her own beliefs to change Olivia's impressions.

"And what are you thinking about that?"

Olivia was about to say that it was an incredibly bad idea, but quickly checked herself. She knew she would need to explain her answer, and explaining that one was not something she wanted to do at all.

"That it's ridiculous."

Christine smiled warmly and nodded. She would play along. For now.

"Why?"

"Because what do I know about dogs? When have I ever wanted a dog?"

Except maybe when she was a little girl. At least a dog would have loved her unconditionally.

Her answer was reasonable and very likely true. Christine would be sure to go back to that answer later, but right now she wanted to know what the real cause of Olivia's unease was.

"And what was the very first thought you had when I asked?"

Olivia's eyes snapped wide in surprise and her mouth hung open.

"What?"

"What you told me wasn't the first thing that came to your mind. It took too long to answer. I know you. You weigh your answers almost every time."

Olivia sighed and scrubbed the heel of her hand against her forehead. Revealing her real answer would be like opening Pandora's Box. Christine would have a lot of ammunition to use against her. It would also be replacing the concrete walls that hid her deepest fears with glass ones. No more secrets; no more hiding. Just the thought of that happening was terrifying. Not answering wasn't really much of an option either. Sure, she could come up with another true answer that wasn't the real one, but it would be hard. Whether or not Christine would buy it was questionable too. Again Olivia was weighing her answer.

"I think that it's a bad idea," Olivia finally whispered.

"That sounds more like your first thought. So why do you think it's a bad idea?"

"Which reason do you want?"

"The one that you really don't want to tell me," Christine replied with a grin.

The one answer that Olivia would try her hardest to keep secret was the one that would be closest to the truth. Olivia played her deepest thoughts really close to the vest. More often than not Christine had to do a bit of inferring to determine the real answers to her questions. With the amount of time they'd spent together Christine had become rather talented at reading between Olivia's lines. Olivia had opened up more too, but she still visibly struggled with sharing real details about what she was feeling.

Olivia smiled weakly. Of course Christine would ask for that one. She knew her too well.

"Because if it doesn't work… if it doesn't help…"

She couldn't finish and looked down at her hands. How could she explain that if this failed she wasn't sure she'd have anything else? If she thought she was trapped in a dark hole now, it would be nothing compared to what she'd be experiencing if getting a service dog didn't help.

"If this doesn't help what other hope is there?" Christine finished when it became obvious that Olivia wouldn't go on.

"Yes," Olivia whispered.

"When you were stuck on a case and had basically run out of options, did you ignore the long shot simply because if it didn't pan out you'd be out of options?"

Olivia snorted and lifted her eyes to the ceiling before resting them on Christine.

"You aren't the first one to use that argument."

"Because it's a valid one. Would you?"

"No. Of course not. We exhausted every option in every case no matter how much of a long shot it might be."

"How is that different from right now and your chance?"

"It's not anywhere near the same."

"Why?"

"Because this is me!"

"And you're more important than the victims you worked with?"

Olivia gaped at Christine for a moment before anger flashed through her eyes.

"No! That's not what this is about. When I worked a case and hit a dead end there was always another case to work. There's no case this time. If this fails, I don't have something else to move on to. I'm just trapped at a dead end."

"Have you ever thought that a service dog might be a window or door in what you already see as a dead end?"

That caught Olivia completely off guard. As she thought about it though, she realized that Christine was completely right. Olivia had felt trapped for a long time, and she had seen no way to get improvement let alone a way out. Would she really be any worse off if she tried one more thing that didn't help? Either she stayed in the darkness she was living in now or she risked getting a dog. If it didn't work the darkness she'd been living in wouldn't get all that much darker (for the most part), but if it did work… That window or door Christine was talking about could very well be there. She could have her escape.

"You really think that could happen?"

"I think that if you put the same effort into it that you used to put into your cases, yes, it could happen. Fear is keeping you caged up. With a service dog you would never truly be alone. Some of that fear you are dealing with would diminish. And you could learn how to care for a dog, Olivia. Do some research, read, ask some questions. You could do it."

"Maybe."

Christine felt a smile tug at her lips. Maybe was probably the best she was going to get. What was more, for Olivia "maybe" was closer to agreement than it would be for most people. Maybe meant she was at least thinking about it.

"How about I make you a deal?" When Olivia glanced up at her curiously Christine went on. "You look into caring for a dog, and I'll see what I can find about benefits and people who have service dogs. I'll send them to you, and you can look them over. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. Now, what did you do this week to try to get your old life back?"


	18. Chapter 18 - A Little Convincing

Chapter Eighteen – A Little Convincing

"We can't sit in the car all day, Olivia," Cragen told her gently.

For the entire trip down to Paws with a Cause Olivia hadn't said a word. They'd been parked outside the center for nearly an hour and she still hadn't spoken. Her eyes were simply locked on the center as her hands twisted and clenched in her lap. Cragen had driven her down to meet with Marshelle for an interview. He had hoped Olivia would officially agree to work toward getting a service dog and would be accepted into the program. At the moment he really just hoped they would get inside.

When she still showed no sign of moving Cragen got out of the car and went around to her side. He opened the door and peered in at her.

"Come on, Liv. We're just going to talk to her and see the place."

Olivia took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was still really unsure about this whole idea. What was more, she was terrified about going in. Not only could getting a dog not help her, there was a chance she wouldn't even be approved try. There was simply a lot of uncertainty in the situation, and Olivia really wasn't comfortable with it. She released one more unsteady breath and pulled herself out of the car.

Cragen rested his hand briefly on Olivia's upper arm before guiding her toward the center's entrance.

"It's going to be okay."

"You don't know that."

"I know I'm more in the right than you are right now. Get out of your head, Olivia. It's scaring you."

He held the door open for her and waved her inside. Olivia hesitated briefly before walking in and looking around. It looked like a typical reception area with a desk and chairs. Unlike other offices the walls were plastered with pictures of service dogs. There were various informational brochures on the end tables as well. As she moved further in she drifted toward the photographs on the walls so she could get a better look. She'd been so caught up in looking around that she hadn't even noticed the receptionist.

"Can I help you?"

"We're here to see Marshelle Braxton. I'm Don Cragen. This is Olivia Benson."

"Let me give her a call."

Cragen nodded and turned to watch Olivia. She was wandering the room and taking in the photos and pamphlets. He could see the rigidity in her shoulders, but at least she didn't seem as nervous as she had in the car. Even so, she was far from calm or comfortable.

"Don."

Cragen turned at the sound of his name and reached out to shake Marshelle's hand in greeting.

"It's good to see you again."

"You too. So this is her?"

He nodded, and they both watched Olivia for a little while. She still hadn't noticed that anyone else was in the room.

"Olivia." He got no response and called out to her again a little bit louder. "Liv."

She spun toward him in surprise. The shock quickly faded and was replaced by her guarded expression mixed with the dead one he'd seen in her eyes since her accident.

"Olivia, this is Marshelle Braxton. She runs the organization."

"Welcome to Paws with a Cause, Olivia."

"Thanks."

Marshelle immediately understood what Olivia's coworkers had been trying to explain in their personality assessments. In just one word she'd heard the dull monotone in Olivia's voice. This woman was barely holding herself together. While Olivia had turned in her medical documentation, Marshelle wasn't completely sure Olivia had fully decided she wanted a service dog. If she didn't make it completely clear during her interview that she was ready to make this commitment Marshelle wouldn't put her through the program. A tour of the facility first would give her time to hopefully make up her mind.

"Why don't I show you around?"

She didn't wait for a response before turning and leading Olivia and Don through the main door into the training area. As she guided them through the facility she pointed out various important areas. She'd given the tour so many times before that she didn't need to think much and could watch her guest's responses. Between the two of them Cragen seemed to be the more interested. Olivia was listening to the explanations and looking around, but her face still held an empty expression. Normally clients that came in could barely contain their excitement. That wasn't Olivia by a long shot. There was one more place they hadn't visited yet, and it was by far the most exciting.

"This is our main training room, and also where our dogs can just enjoy themselves."

Marshelle knew there would be no dogs in the middle of training with a client. There was sure to be at least one dog working with a trainer or out enjoying some free time though. If anything could bring some excitement into Olivia's eyes it would be the dogs. If it didn't, they were probably done before they'd even started. She met Cragen's eyes, and he nodded at her. Marshelle slowly pushed the door open and motioned Olivia in.

As Marshelle had expected, the room was occupied. Three dogs were happily romping around and playing with each other while their handlers looked on. The sound of the door opening had caught their attention, and they'd all come to a dead stop to watch the new arrivals, their ears pricked in interest. When she saw the dogs there was a slight flicker in Olivia's eyes. It wasn't the enthusiasm Marshelle had been hoping for, but curiosity was at least something. There was also the promise that it could bring more too.

"Why don't you go say hello."

Olivia stared at her before looking back at the dogs. Her eyes remained locked on them when she answered.

"Really?"

"Really."

She didn't need to be told a third time. While Olivia was still uncertain about the idea of working with a service dog, the second she'd seen them she hadn't been able to help the interest that had flared up in her. It was completely unexpected. She'd heard of people that considered their pets family. Some of them even thought of them as children. Never in her whole life had she figured she'd be one of those people. Even now she didn't think she would, but looking at these dogs she could understand why it could happen. Olivia knelt down in front of them and reached out a tentative hand. Immediately the dogs moved forward, happy to get a little bit of affection.

As Olivia ran her fingers gently over the dogs' fur a touch of a smile flickered across her face. It was just the hint of a smile, but it was the most Marshelle had seen since she'd arrived. Cragen hadn't seen much better from her at her apartment either. What was more, the tension had almost completely left her body.

"I haven't seen her look that happy, that calm, in a long time," Cragen said softly.

Marshelle smiled softly and kept her eyes on Olivia and the dogs.

"That's why I work with these dogs," she explained. "It's not just that they help people live more independent lives. They're therapeutic to the soul. The people who come here for a service dog could always use a little soul healing."

"It's certainly working for her."

Marshelle moved toward Olivia and called out to her. When Olivia glanced up she still had one hand buried in a golden retriever's fur.

"Would you like a demonstration?"

"Demonstration?" After Marshelle nodded her confirmation Olivia's smile widened. "Yes."

Once Olivia was standing by her side Marshelle turned her attention to the dogs.

"Let's go to work."

Immediately the three of them stilled and looked up at her expectantly for more direction. After instructing two of them to lie down and wait she turned to the last dog.

"Jackson, bring sweater."

She pointed toward the sweatshirt one of the trainers had left sitting on a bench. Without wasting a second Jackson, the golden Olivia had been petting previously, wheeled away and shot toward the abandoned sweatshirt. After gathering the sweatshirt he darted back and held it out to Marshelle. She took it from him and ordered him to sit before turning to the other golden in the group.

"Star, light."

Star panted happily at her and trotted over to the pretend light switch they had set up in the room. She jumped up, bracing on her back paws, and tried to hit the switch. It took a second attempt for her to flip it up and return to Marshelle. Marshelle patted their heads and released them to play again.

"Those were all basic skills, but they can perform more complex tasks. Bracing you up and down stairs, helping you stand, opening doors, responding to alarms or buzzers. If you're unconscious or unresponsive for too long they can get help. If there's something else you need your dog to do, we can help train him to do that too."

"It's pretty impressive in action," Olivia admitted.

Marshelle nodded and then turned to look firmly at Olivia. Instantly Olivia knew they were getting down to more serious business.

"As impressive as it is and as fun as it can be, none of this is a game. Before we go any further or even start your actual interview I need to know one thing. Having a service dog is a big commitment. I need to be absolutely sure that you are willing to put in the time and energy into working with one."

Olivia glanced away from Marshelle and watched the dogs as she took a few minutes to officially make her decision. It didn't take her very long. Her eyes settled on Marshelle again with the firm, confident look she'd worn nearly every day at work.

"I haven't had to dedicate myself to anything for a long time. That needs to end." She'd lived her entire life dedicating almost all of her time to something. Helping victims, solving cases, tearing perps down, and recovering from injuries. It had been far too long since she'd really had something to focus all her effort on. "I really do want to do this."

Olivia's conviction was unmistakable.

"Good. Let's go sit down and talk then."

O . o . O . o . O

An hour and a half later Olivia was completely exhausted. She wasn't even sure if she could put together any more thoughtful and well-considered answers. The interview had been beyond extensive. As Marshelle took the time to write down Olivia's latest answers, Olivia tried to relax. She really didn't know how she had done or if anything would come out of the interview. Not knowing if she was getting anywhere was only making her more drained.

"Relax, Olivia."

The sudden sound of Marshelle's voice startled Olivia, and she jumped. As she looked up she found the other woman smiling warmly at her. Olivia really wanted to be hopeful. Marshelle wouldn't be smiling at her like that if she was about to deliver bad news. Even so, she didn't want to get her hopes up too high when there was no way to be sure of anything yet. She watched Marshelle closely, hoping she'd find more clues to the direction this was going.

There wasn't any reason for her to be worried.

Before Olivia had even come in for the final interview Marshelle had already determined that Olivia qualified for a dog. The only thing she needed to know was whether Olivia truly was serious about this. After the response she'd received to the question before the interview began there was very little doubt that Olivia was serious. Even if she had needed more reassurance, Olivia was giving it to her now. She was nearly on the edge of her seat and holding her breath in anticipation. It was the same expression Marshelle saw on the faces of other potential recipients as they waited for news on whether or not they'd be approved.

"Really, Olivia. Breathe. You qualify, no question."

Olivia released a long held breath and closed her eyes briefly in relief.

"Thank you."

"I have one more gift, perhaps, for you. Usually you would spend a few years on a waiting list, but we work closely with military veterans and first responders. You'll be fast tracked. We should be able to get you in for training within the year, maybe as soon as a few months."

"That soon?"

"That soon," Marshelle confirmed.

She let Olivia take that concept in for a moment before getting into the details she wanted to cover next. There were a few things that were best taken care of before a client actually got their dog.

"Do you live somewhere that's pet friendly?"

"Ah…" Olivia rubbed at the back of her head uneasily. "My apartment building isn't, no."

"Alright. That's something you should talk to your landlord about before your training starts. Legally your super has to allow a service dog to live with you at no extra cost. I'll get you some of the literature before you go so you're prepared. If you have any trouble, call me."

"Dealt with this before, huh?"

"More than once. It can still be a problem for some people. Almost everyone I know that works with a service dog has run into trouble before. Be prepared."

Olivia nodded. She'd dealt with people not wanting her around before. It would be easy enough to stand her ground in a situation that required it. Considering she wasn't exactly planning on venturing out too much right away, if ever, it shouldn't be a big problem either way.

"You're also going to want to prepare your place for a dog. Food bowls, collar, toys. The works. You don't need a ton to start with, but you do want to be ready with at least the basics, especially if you don't want to go shopping your first day back."

"I can do that."

"You should be hearing from me in the next week or two once we have confirmed dates for your training session."

Olivia nodded again and stood when Marshelle did to shake hands.

"I look forward to seeing you again, Olivia."

"You too."

"Next time I see you we'll be getting you a dog."


	19. Chapter 19 - Reality Sets In

Chapter Nineteen – Reality Sets In

A week later, Olivia wasn't anywhere near as confident or excited as she had been when she was at the center. Over her life she'd regretted quite a few decisions but never one anywhere near as much as she was feeling right now. The worries she'd had before the final interview were still very present. Would she be able to care for a dog? Would having a service dog really help? What if it didn't?

Olivia paced uneasily back and forth across her living room. If her earlier concerns were the only ones she was facing she would have been able to manage much better or at least she wouldn't be considering calling Marshelle and cancelling the entire thing. Unfortunately she had more rolling around in her head today. She gazed over at her kitchen table which was covered with papers and her checkbook. Her research into what she would need for a dog had presented a major problem. How the hell was she supposed to pay for it all? It wasn't like she was in major debt, but the cost of her hospital bills and recovery had really eaten into her savings. Technically she could afford everything she would need to get started, but it would make her a bit uneasy. She never knew when she could wind up paying for another ambulance ride or hospital visit. Not having that extra cash could really hurt.

She dropped heavily into a chair at her table with a sigh. This wasn't the first time she'd gone over the numbers and considered everything. Despite how much time she'd spent, no truly good answer had come to the surface. She just didn't know what to do. Was it worth it to take the risk?

Little did Olivia know she hadn't needed to worry at all because her former coworkers had been hard at work the second Cragen had confirmed Olivia would officially be getting a service dog. While they may not have known her exact financial situation, they suspected. Hospital bills weren't cheap.

Thankfully the NYPD looked after their own. Cragen had set up a collection in their squad room to pool money for a pet store gift card for Olivia. The SVU alone would have provided enough to get Olivia mostly set up, but they weren't the only ones contributing. Word had gotten out beyond their precinct. Cops throughout New York City, especially those that knew Olivia or worked in other borough's SVU's, were stopping in to donate or calling Cragen to let him know they had a collection going too. What was more, the police community wasn't the only one preparing to help Olivia. Alex had brought the idea to the DA's office, and another pool had started there. Depending on how much they raised, Alex was even considering finding a way to save some of the money for vet bills.

Only time would tell how well they would do, but no one was worried. They had only been set up a week and already they'd reached nearly $200. That total didn't include what other precincts hadn't brought over yet or what was collected at the DA's office. Until Olivia had confirmation of when she would be getting her dog they could continue collecting. If the date was way down the road they could keep the donation open for even longer if they could prevent Olivia from going to buy supplies on her own. Thankfully there wasn't much worry for that. Olivia rarely went anywhere on her own; plus, it wouldn't be easy to carry everything back to her apartment by herself. It should all work out.

O . o . O . o . O

"You're kidding. That soon?"

Marshelle almost wanted to laugh over the phone at Olivia's response. Yes, coming in for training in a little over a month was warp speed by normal standards. She had told Olivia she'd be fast tracked though. Plus, they'd had a cancellation.

_"Yes, Olivia. May 17__th__ through the 27__th__."_

It was a heck of a lot for Olivia to take in, and she wasn't completely sure what to say. May 17th could be the first day of her new life in a way. If getting a service dog actually helped that day could change things majorly, though not nearly as much as one moment had nearly two years ago. Olivia was completely positive that nothing could ever reach that level of change from now on. She quickly pulled herself away from those thoughts since they were assured to pull her back down into a world of pain that she'd only just started to find her way out of.

"That's great. Thank you."

_"I'll be emailing you all of the information you'll need for the session. It will give you a basic schedule and list the things you will want to have with you. If you have any questions about anything after you've gone through it please let me know."_

"Alright."

_"Have you gotten anywhere with preparing?"_

"A little bit."

In reality she hadn't done much at all. The farthest she'd gotten was talking to the super of her building. Once she'd promised to show him documentation that her dog was a certified service animal he'd put up no argument. It had probably helped that Olivia had always been a model tenant. There had never been a complaint about her in all the years she'd been living there, and she'd only been late on the rent once. He had found out later that she'd been late because she was in a coma from her accident. Once her coworkers had realized her rent was overdue they'd all chipped in to get it paid the next day. Olivia had had too much on her mind when she'd found out to really get mad at them for it.

As for purchasing supplies, all Olivia had done was research prices online. That research was what had started the realization that money could be a problem. Without knowing what to do about the potential issue, Olivia hadn't brought anything up yet.

_"Good,"_ Marshelle replied. _"I'll see you on the 17__th__, and again, call me if you have questions."_

"I will. Thank you."

Olivia hung up the phone and simply stared at it for a long time. Marshelle's news had surprised her so much that she hadn't had any time to consider how or if she should tell the director that she wasn't sure she could participate. Thinking about it now she wasn't sure if she would have been able to even if she'd had the time. What was more, Olivia wasn't sure she wanted to consider turning down the offer even for a valid reason. Either way, it was too late now. No matter how uncomfortable not having extra money as safety net might be, she was going to have to deal with it. Hopefully there wouldn't be a lot of hospital stays or complications in her future.

She should have been feeling happy and excited bordering on ecstatic. Instead Olivia just felt a growing knot of worry in her stomach. So many things could go wrong, and she had no control over any of them. She would have continued worrying endlessly had her thoughts not been stopped cold when she was struck down with a seizure.

Olivia came to on the floor a few minutes later feeling slightly disoriented. Her doctors had finally found a solid combination of drugs for her, and she'd managed to get through yesterday without any world falling away, body hitting the ground level seizures. There had been minor ones, sure, but nothing too severe. It had been one of the better days she'd had since her injury. Unfortunately remembering that didn't make coming out of this one any better. She slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position and took stock of herself. Nothing hurt too badly, so at least she'd escaped without major injury. Satisfied, she got the rest of the way to her feet. She was okay. Everything was okay. Sort of.

Before she could have time to let the frustration sink in, Olivia snagged the phone off the counter and started dialing. It was better to keep herself busy so she wouldn't have time to let her mind go places she didn't want it to go, but without very much to actually do anymore that was hard.

_"Cragen."_

"Hey, Captain. It's Olivia."

He technically wasn't her captain anymore, but calling him anything else just sounded weird. Besides, Captain was his title whether she was on the force or not.

_"Everything alright, Olivia?"_

Cragen had picked up on the minor tremor in her voice that was usually there following a seizure. Olivia swallowed hard and tried to steady herself out before she continued.

"I got the dates for my training today. A little over a month away. May 17th."

_"That's coming up quick,"_ Cragen said in surprise.

"Yeah."

_"Let me know when you'll need to leave, and I'll make sure you have a ride for both trips."_

Olivia hated that Cragen and the other SVU detectives were carting her around all the time, but there wasn't much she could do about it. Even taking a cab to the center when she didn't have a dog yet would be intimidating. She could seize in a car just as easy as she could anywhere else.

"I will. I just haven't gotten the email with the specific details yet. You'll know when I do."

Cragen didn't hesitate to ask his next question even though he didn't want to give away the secret. It was reasonable enough to ask considering she could very well need someone to help her.

_"Have you decided when you want to get the supplies you'll need?"_

This was the second time today that Olivia had been basically called out on her lack of preparation, but at least this time Cragen already assumed she wasn't ready.

"Ah, I haven't really thought about it yet. Maybe the end of the week or something."

Hopefully by then she'd have a better idea of how to make everything work. If there even was a way. Extra money wasn't going to magically show up.

Cragen sensed her slight hesitation, but attributed it to her not wanting to ask for a ride and take up more of someone's time. They were all more than willing to give her the time, but Olivia had never been one to readily accept help.

_"I think Rollins is rather excited about going with you. You should call her."_

"She wants to go?" Olivia asked slightly incredulously.

_"From what I can tell she's made sure everyone else knows that they aren't allowed to take this one. Don't leave her hanging, Liv. If you wait until the last minute and she can't go she'll be really disappointed."_

"Alright. I'll call her tonight and set something up."

_"Good. And, Liv?"_

"Yeah?"

_"It's going to get better. You'll see."_

Olivia wasn't so sure she agreed with him on that one, but she also wasn't going to argue with him. It wouldn't do her any good. If anything it would worry Cragen more, which wasn't what she wanted at all.

"I'll talk to you later, Captain."

_"Take care of yourself, Olivia."_


	20. Chapter 20 - Brushes and Toys and Treats

_Author's Note: Well friends, we're coming around to the end. _

_Pft. No. I lied. We are coming around to the end of the first half of this story though. Buckle up your seat belts because there is still more rollercoaster for our poor Olivia to come. _

* * *

Chapter Twenty – Brushes and Toys and Treats, Oh My!

Amanda was happily making her way to Olivia's apartment two weeks after Olivia had spoken to Cragen. They'd tried to plan an earlier date, but a major case had kept all of the detectives at work for days straight. The perp had been caught, and Amanda had managed to reschedule the shopping trip a day later. She had to admit she was rather looking forward to it. Out of everyone at the squad she knew the most about dogs, but that wasn't the biggest reason she wanted to go. The trip would just be a lot of fun, especially if Olivia was acting more like her old self. Cragen had said she'd been brighter after meeting the dogs and confirming she would participate in the program. From the visits she'd had with Olivia since then Amanda wasn't sure what Cragen was seeing. Maybe actually getting involved with the process again would bring about the change he'd seen earlier. She'd find out soon enough.

"Hey," Amanda said in greeting when Olivia opened the door for her. "How are you doin'?"

Olivia shrugged weakly. "Alright."

The truth was she'd needed to take a few rounds of her headache medication that day. While it wasn't too terrible, having a never-ending headache wasn't fun.

"Ya sure? It looks like you're hurtin'."

"It's just a headache."

"You want to rest? We can go another time. It's no problem."

"No. It's not too bad. I can go."

Rollins wasn't all that convinced, but she didn't want to try to reschedule again. She'd just have to trust Olivia to know her body.

"Before we go, all of us have a little surprise for you."

She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a small envelope before holding it out to Olivia. For a long time Olivia simply stared at it. She had no idea what this so-called "surprise" was. Amanda had to nudge her a little before Olivia finally slid her finger under the flap and tore the envelope open. There was a simple card inside with a picture of a dog surrounded by multi-colored balloons. Above the picture was the scrawled word "congratulations." The inside was blank except for a short handwritten note.

_For everything you and your new dog will need. Supplies _

_courtesy of the NYPD. Vet bills courtesy of the DA's office._

There weren't any names written below, but Olivia could easily guess who had started the idea in both places and which people had likely contributed. After reading the note she inspected the two plastic cards she'd found inside. One was to a local pet store not far from her apartment. The other was a VISA gift card, presumably for whatever vet Olivia decided she would use. Neither card had any kind of denomination on the front, so she flipped them both over to look there. Nothing.

"Amanda," Olivia said uneasily. "How much are these worth?"

And more importantly, how much had everyone at SVU given? The thought scared her. She didn't want to accept any more of their help than necessary, and she definitely didn't want their money.

"Few hundred each, I think."

"_Amanda_."

Amanda simply shrugged, completely unperturbed by Olivia's apparent irritation. She may not be willing to accept the help, but everyone that knew her was more than willing to give it.

"A lot of people wanted to help you out. You've made a big impact around the community, Olivia."

"And how much of this did everyone I used to work with give?"

"Less than half I'd guess, but I didn't ask everyone how much they put in."

Amanda didn't know the exact amount everyone had contributed, but she did know the exact amounts on each card. Together the gift cards totaled more like a thousand dollars instead of the few hundred she'd told Olivia. She was smart enough to know not to reveal that though. It would be hard enough for Olivia to accept a hundred dollars let alone a thousand.

Olivia sighed. She may not have wanted to accept the gift, but she couldn't exactly turn it down and try to give it back either. At least if she thought about how using it would save her from worrying about a lack of back-up money the idea of receiving the aid wouldn't be quite as bad. She rubbed a bit at the side of her head before conceding. Her co-worker's efforts would go to good use.

"Okay. Just give me a second to get what I need."

The list of supplies Marshelle had recommended, a small bottle of water, her pills, and her cell phone all went into her purse before she met Amanda at the door again. Beaming happily, Amanda led the way down to her car (Cragen had been more than happy to let her borrow one for the afternoon).

O . o . O . o . O

"Oh come on, Olivia. You can't tell me that's not adorable," Amanda insisted as she held up a possum shaped stuffed dog toy.

Olivia eyed it for a moment and shook her head. Adorable definitely wasn't the word she'd used.

"It looks like road kill."

"You're kiddin'! It does not!"

"Yes, it does, and I'm not going to have it in my apartment."

Amanda tossed the stuffed toy back into the pile and started to dig around for another option.

"Duck? Lion?"

"The lion's fine, I guess."

The lion quickly made its way into the cart that was already near filled to the brim. They'd found the dog food rather quickly since Marshelle had recommended the brand used at the center. Dental care, shampoo, and brushes had followed soon after. Everything else had been a bit more of an ordeal though. Olivia wasn't even sure where to start with the options for bowls, collars, leashes, and beds. Thankfully Amanda had suggested considering whether she wanted each item to match the colors of her apartment or each other. With that thought in mind Olivia had managed to pick out what she'd needed in colors and styles that wouldn't clash with what she already had. Not that it had been very hard considering her place was mostly neutral colors. Olive green, grey, cream, and tan would work anywhere she chose to house everything. After an hour in the store they'd managed to work their way through most of the list.

"What else do you think you two would want?"

Olivia stared down at what they'd gotten already and took a quick inventory. The lion stuffed animal, two tennis balls, and a squeaky bone.

"I don't know. It's hard to say when I don't know what my dog will be like yet."

Amanda was still wandering the aisle, looking at various toys, and pulling a few down to squeak. One made such a loud honking noise that it startled Olivia. Amanda chuckled softly.

"This would drive anyone nuts."

Olivia snorted in response. There was no doubt it would. There was even less doubt that it would be staying in the store.

"How 'bout one of these?" Amanda offered instead as she held the Kong out to Olivia. "Says it'll keep your dog occupied for hours so he doesn't cause trouble. Fill it with peanut butter and treats and let 'im have at it."

"I'll have a service dog so I don't think behavior will be a problem," Olivia explained, but she took the package anyway to read it over. It actually sounded like it would be something worth having even if her dog didn't need distractions in order to behave. Shrugging, Olivia dropped it into the overfilled cart with everything else they were going to purchase.

"Well, that was easy."

A smile twitched across Olivia's face. She was becoming a bit more open to the idea of having a dog which made the shopping experience more fun. The reason Amanda had been so excited about coming was beginning to become more obvious. Going through all of the toys and supplies had ratcheted Olivia's own enthusiasm up.

"Ready to look at treats?"

"Sure," Amanda replied and returned to the cart to push it down the next aisle.

The two of them had almost as much fun picking through the treats as they had the toys. Olivia hadn't been expecting the massive variety of shapes ranging from typical dog bones and long sticks to one shaped like actual bacon, ribs, and ducks. She'd resisted the urge to get too many of the fun shapes since they were generally more expensive. The money her friends had gathered amounted to a good sum, but the expenses for caring for a dog wouldn't end after the first trip. The longer the gift cards could hold the better off she'd be.

"These ones say they're good for teeth and freshening breath," Amanda offered. "There's a lot in here for the price too."

"That's fine. I don't think we need much else though."

In fact, she was worried they had too much. It was more than one dog could eat for a long time. At least she wouldn't have to come out to the store again anytime soon even if there were some treats her dog didn't like.

"Anything else on the list?"

"Poop bags," Olivia responded with a bit of a grimace.

It wasn't something she was really looking forward to. She'd dealt with and handled more disgusting things on the job than she really wanted to think about, but most of the time she'd been wearing gloves. No matter how unpleasant cleaning up dog poop and carrying it around would be, it was part of her job as an owner, and she'd do it without complaint. There were worse things she could be dealing with.

"Easy enough," Amanda answered as she grabbed some off the end cap.

Together they headed toward the cashier so Olivia could take her second big step toward owning a service dog. Change was definitely coming.


	21. Chapter 21 - A Worthy Cause

Chapter Twenty One – A Worthy Cause

Olivia fidgeted restlessly in her seat and tried to stop herself from willing the car to go faster. She didn't have telepathic powers, so no matter how desperately she wanted to get there wishing wouldn't work. Since she wasn't the one driving the car, and probably never would be again, she had no control over it.

"A bit excited there?" Nick teased from the driver's seat as he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye.

Olivia couldn't help looking a bit sheepish. She'd been found out rather easily, not that she should have been very surprised. The entire hour of the trip so far had tried her patience and her nerves. By this point she was employing all of her NYPD training to stay still, or at least not to fidget too much.

"Maybe a bit," she admitted.

Nick smiled in amusement. He suspected she was a lot more than "a bit" excited. Cragen had told him Olivia had come to life at the center, but Nick hadn't expected quite this much life. They hadn't even arrived yet either. After the painfully quiet and hollow behavior she'd been demonstrating for months, the excitement was great to see. Even if the service dog didn't help Olivia too much, Nick was already calling Cragen's plan a win. Just seeing her excited again was good enough for him.

"We're almost there."

"I know."

And she did. They probably had another fifteen or twenty minutes. She may not have been excited the first time she'd come, but she'd used the surroundings on the drive to avoid talking to Cragen. It made it easy now to identify where they were.

The fact that she did know surprised Nick. She hadn't shown this much awareness or interest in anything for a long time. When they reached the center Olivia guided him to the entrance while he carried her luggage. There were far more cars in the parking lot than Olivia remembered there being on her last visit. When they got inside she understood why. They weren't the only ones there. Two other people that Olivia assumed were together were already in the office area. Olivia hesitated for a moment, unsure what to do until Marshelle spotted her. She separated herself from the couple she'd been talking to and came over to Olivia.

"Welcome back."

Olivia mirrored Marshelle's smile with only slightly less enthusiasm than Marshelle was showing her.

"I see you brought a new helper."

Olivia glanced back at Nick for a brief second and then nodded.

"This is Nick Amaro, my former partner."

Marshelle recognized the name from the list of people that had filled out the personality survey for Olivia. He'd been the one to describe her as unbreakable if she remembered correctly. She reached out a hand to shake his.

"Marshelle Braxton. It's nice to meet you, Detective."

"Already figured that one out, huh?" Nick asked with a smile.

"I read all of the information you gave about Olivia in the early stages of this process. Since she gave me your name, it wasn't hard to put together. Plus, she did say partner."

Nick's smile grew. She did have a bit of a point though. Still, there was one thing he was curious about after what she'd said.

"Are you that involved with all of your clients?"

"With special cases, yes."

"Special cases, huh?"

"Military, first responders."

Nick met Marshelle's eyes steadily then glanced over at Olivia. Hopefully she would understand everything he was trying to get at in his next words.

"Thank you."

For Olivia. For giving her this chance. For being so involved that she would do anything she could to help his friend believe in herself again.

Marshelle understood exactly what he'd been trying to say. She offered him a tiny, silent bow of the head in reply.

"Let's get you set up in your room, Olivia. Then you can meet the others. Nick, you're welcome to stick around."

"Liv?"

"You can stay if you want, Nick. I don't care."

"Good because I want to see this place."

After Olivia put her things in her room and told the staff member that would stay at the center with the trainees overnight where her medications were and the requirements for medical treatment Marshelle started showing them around the temporary living quarters. It was set up similarly to a dorm complex except that every program participant had their own room. The rooms were on the smaller side, but Marshelle assured Olivia she wouldn't be spending much time there. Training to use a service dog took a lot of time and even more work. The entire ten days would be packed full of training both at the center and in the outside community. She'd really only be spending time in her room to sleep.

Just as they were about to head into the main room to meet the others Nick's cell phone rang.

"Amaro."

Olivia watched Nick's face as he listened to the explanation on the other end. She could tell right away what the call was about. When he glanced over at her she didn't hesitate to mouth "go" to him. Nick wasn't quite as ready to accept leaving as she was. After all of the time as partners Olivia could read the look he was shooting at her. He didn't need words, and she didn't either. Olivia nodded at him in final encouragement. Going to work a case was far more important than staying here with her. He looked at her firmly one more time before nodding and heading for the exit.

Olivia tried not to let the disappointment that she wouldn't be going with him show. It was hard, and she needed to find a distraction soon or her control would crack.

"Where's everyone meeting?"

"I'll show you," Marshelle told her gently. "Come on."

As Marshelle led her back through the facility toward the training room she told Olivia about the other participants she'd be training with. There would be ten of them total. Some would have family staying with them until the end of the day. Once everyone had arrived they would begin.

"How many are we waiting for?"

"Four more after you arrived, but we could have everyone now. I'll leave you here so I can go check in and make sure everything is ready."

"Okay."

Now alone, Olivia found a spot by herself on the far wall and took the time to look around. There were a surprising number of people gathered. Her cop instincts and detective skills kicked in, and she began evaluating the others as she looked them over. There were quite a few staff members milling around. With their navy blue and white shirts they were easy to identify. Knowing which of the others were participants and which were family was much harder. One man in a wheelchair was likely there for a dog. The same could be said for the woman walking with a cane and a limp. Olivia spotted another man that she suspected was military based on his stance. While she knew the center worked with military personnel, she had no idea if he was there to support someone or there for a dog. It could have been either one. Other than that Olivia couldn't pick out anything specific about the others. Any of them could be participants.

About twenty minutes later Olivia spotted Marshelle walking back into the room and waving to one of her workers. She suspected that meant everyone had arrived and they were ready to go. Olivia had to admit she was rather curious about what being ready to start actually meant. Within moments silence reigned throughout the room. All eyes were focused on Marshelle.

"Welcome to Paws with a Cause."

The next thing Olivia knew doors were thrown open and dogs were pouring into the room. She could only gape at them in surprise as they happily ran a lap or two around the room. Before she had time to process what was going on, the dogs were gone. As she looked around the room she saw that almost every face had the same stunned expression she had. Marshelle and the other workers were all beaming. When most of the eyes had drifted back up to Marshelle she continued.

"In ten days one of those dogs will be going home with each one of you. There are two things you need to remember. First, you will be working hard here. Second, don't be worried if your first dog doesn't work for you. It usually takes a few tries. Some people need to try a large number of dogs before they find one that fits them. Don't be discouraged if this happens to you.

We're going to start off by showing you around the facility. After that we'll be discussing the laws involving service dogs and what you might face, followed by lunch and training about dog care. There's a lot to do so we're going to get you split up into the groups you'll be training with and get started."


	22. Chapter 22 - The Special Cases

Chapter Twenty Two – The Special Cases

By the time the group sat down for lunch that day Olivia was more than ready for a break. She hadn't had this busy of a day in a long time, and she was tired. The chance to sit down and not need to focus on anything was more than welcome. If this was how tired she'd be every day of the training she would really look forward to the little bit of down time they had. At least one bonus that day was she hadn't suffered anything worse than minor headaches. Her hands were steady, and she hadn't had any seizures. The luck likely wouldn't last the entire day, but half was at least something.

"You tired too?"

Olivia glanced up at the man that had spoken to her. They'd all shared names early on, and she tried to sift through to find it. Micheal. He was the one she'd pegged as military before they began.

"More than I expected I would be," she admitted.

"Same." He smiled warmly at her. "Olivia, right?"

She nodded. "Micheal?"

"That's me. It's nice to meet you."

He held out his left fist, but Olivia had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Micheal seemed to understand and smiled at her.

"It's my form of a handshake. I can't use my right hand anymore and trying with the left is always awkward."

"Ah." Olivia tentatively reached out to return the fist bump. "I'm sorry."

"So am I, but we're all here for something. I'm lucky they want to work with injured military."

"I'd guessed you were military."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mm. Posture gave you away. A friend of mine stood the same way. Marine."

"We're good people, Marines."

"You were a Marine, huh?"

"Yes, ma'am. Who's your friend."

Olivia wasn't sure friend was exactly the right word, but she wanted to believe it was. While they hadn't gotten along that well at first, she truly believed they had a least parted on good terms. They had even ended on a first name basis, which was good enough to be called friends in her book.

"Dominic Pruitt. We really only crossed paths once, but we left as friends. I haven't seen him for a few years."

"I don't recognize the name, but that's not surprising."

"How long have you been out?"

"Three years since the bombing. Shrapnel did a lot of damage. It paralyzed my right arm and the piece embedded in my spine makes it hard to bend over. That's why I'm here. What about you?"

Olivia looked down and rubbed her thumb along the edge of the table. She wasn't sure how much she wanted to say or even if she wanted to say anything at all. He already knew something was wrong though since she wouldn't be here if there wasn't. Besides, the chance of making it through ten days without a seizure was zero. She had absolutely no reason to avoid telling him outside of a general desire not to share and reveal her shortcomings. Even the shortcomings reason didn't hold much weight though.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to say anything."

She rubbed uneasily at the back of her neck before looking up at Micheal.

"It's okay. I used to be a cop. A suspect wanted to get in one more moment of fun before he went to jail. He slammed my head into the wall a few times. It basically left me with a traumatic brain injury. Shakiness, headaches, seizures."

"Crap. Is there anything I could do to help if it happens?"

"No. The staff know what to do when it does."

They quickly moved on to less painful topics of discussion so they could actually enjoy the rest of their lunch. Olivia was rather grateful.

From the other side of the room Marshelle was watching them closely. She'd been worried about how Olivia would react at training. For the first half of the day she'd stayed segregated from the others. This was really the first time she'd seen Olivia interacting with another participant. At first the conversation hadn't looked like it was going well, but now Olivia was smiling and even laughing from time to time. It was the most animated she'd seen Olivia ever. Hopefully now that the ice was broken she would stay that way.

O . o . O . o . O

"Snazzy trick," Micheal commented.

"I don't think that's anything compared to what else they can do," Olivia returned.

After they'd met and talked at lunch Olivia and Micheal had stuck together during the remainder of the day's training. One of the trainers had just asked the dog Micheal would be working with to jump up onto a raised table. Since Micheal wouldn't be able to bend down without pain they'd set the table up so it would be at his level when he sat down.

"You're probably right," he admitted.

Olivia laughed and reached down to rub the ears of the yellow lab she would be working with. They would just be doing grooming and becoming comfortable with the dogs, but Olivia was still excited. From the looks of things everyone else was too. They'd already had a demonstration on how to brush their dog's fur and teeth. Supplies had been passed out, and they were all ready to go. As the participants worked staff members milled around, monitoring, answering questions, and making conversation.

Olivia was more than happy to listen to Micheal talk about home and the people waiting for him there as she brushed the lab's teeth. He seemed just as content to continue chattering on while they worked. Working with the dogs was relaxing, and barriers that were usually up came down much easier. Both of them were enjoying themselves to the point that they hadn't even noticed that Marshelle had come over to join them.

"Make sure you get all the way down to her toes, Micheal. She'll get knots there just as easy as anywhere else if you don't."

Micheal's head came up and so did Olivia's.

"Thanks."

"Sure. I see you're both enjoying yourselves."

"He another one of your special cases?" Olivia asked.

Marshelle smiled warmly at her and nodded. Working with people like Micheal and Olivia and giving them their lives back was her way of giving back and thanking them for what they'd done for everyone else. Working with service dogs and pairing them with deserving people was rewarding enough. It was even more so with people like Olivia and Micheal.

"You bet," Marshelle returned.

"Glad I am too."

"You think you're enjoying it now, wait until tomorrow when you get to start picking your dog."

"That's tomorrow?"

Olivia was equally surprised. She'd figured it would be at least a few days into training before they got to start choosing specific dogs to work with. Excitement bubbled up within her. One of the dogs she saw tomorrow could be the one she took home with her.

"That's tomorrow. At least round one is." Marshelle glanced down at her watch and looked up at them again. "I'll let you two get to work. We're going to be moving on in a few minutes."

O . o . O . o . O

It had been an incredibly long day only made longer by the seizure Olivia had had right before quitting time. About all she wanted to do was collapse into bed and go to sleep. That's where they were all headed since they were free the rest of the night.

"Olivia! Hey, Olivia! Slow down. I can't run."

She recognized Micheal's voice and stopped so he could catch up to her. He grimaced when he reached her and leaned back against the wall.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Fine. What about you?"

"Me?"

"You hit the ground pretty hard. A lot of other stuff too."

"Just a bruise. I've had worse."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Micheal nodded, and the two of them stepped away from the wall and headed down the hall to their rooms. They weren't in any rush, and Olivia was more than willing to keep the pace slow since Micheal was limping slightly.

"Excited about tomorrow?" he asked.

"Yeah. If I weren't so exhausted I might be too excited to sleep."

"Same here, only I'm not sure I'm as tired as you are. I might not be so lucky when it comes to sleep."

"You'll get to spend the entire night dreaming about which dog it'll be."

"Daydreaming maybe."

"I'm sure you'll manage somehow."

"I'm sure I will. See you in the morning, Olivia."

He gave her a lighthearted wave and continued down the hall to his own room. After getting to her room, Olivia took her evening dose of medication and sat down on the edge of the bed. She was really tempted to forget about brushing her teeth or changing clothes so she could just go to sleep right then. Despite how much she wanted to do that, she dragged herself up and headed toward the bathroom.


	23. Chapter 23 - Round One

Chapter Twenty Three – Round One

Throughout the course of her life Olivia had experienced countless headaches. The worst ones had been from hangovers during college, the concussion she'd suffered in Oregon, and the poisonous mushroom vapors she'd inhaled. None of those times even came close to what she was experiencing now. The expression of an ice pick being slammed into her head didn't even begin to explain how much pain she was in. Even though the room was dark every time she opened her eyes it spun sickeningly. She didn't want to move even to get her pills. The gentle knock on the door was nearly too much for her to handle, and the words that came with it were incomprehensible to her pain-stabbed brain. Next thing she knew there was a hand on her arm.

"Olivia, what do you need?"

"Pills. Counter. Head."

The aide gave her arm a light squeeze and got the pills and a glass of water. Olivia managed to get the pills down with a little help, but that was about it. She couldn't tell whether minutes or hours had passed before she heard another voice.

"Olivia," Marshelle asked softly as she stood beside Olivia's bed.

Olivia managed to crack her eyes open and gaze glassy eyed at Marshelle.

"I know that you're hurting right now, but it's important that you participate in training. If there's any chance you think you can join us, I need you to. Can you try?"

Olivia knew the training was important, but she also knew getting up wouldn't be a good idea. Even if she could get up and participate she wouldn't be able to function enough to get anything out of it. Despite all of that Olivia rolled onto her side and tried to push herself up. The movement only made the near intolerable pain worse. When she lifted her head fully upright her vision went almost completely black. Her head felt like it had just been run over by a car. Sweat broke out on her forehead and her face paled to near white before she vomited.

"Okay. Okay," Marshelle soothed as she helped Olivia lie back down. "We'll take care of this."

Olivia groaned weakly in response and let her eyes flutter closed. The headache wasn't fading.

"Marshelle," she croaked. "Blue bottle."

The sleeping pills were a desperate hope that she would get some relief once she woke up. It was the only option she had left. She let Marshelle lift her head the smallest amount possible before swallowing down the pills and a little water. Thankfully the sleeping pills were fast acting, and she wouldn't have to deal with the pain much longer.

When Olivia came to the next time a light smell of cleaner reached her nose. She wasn't sure what it was and didn't want to open her eyes to find out. There was a wet cloth resting on her forehead that actually felt really good. Her headache wasn't anywhere near as bad as it had been. Still there, definitely, but it was now at a level she could deal with. Actually getting up and functioning was a possibility at the moment. Well, maybe. She hadn't even tried to open her eyes yet. The sudden addition of light to the mix could blow all of the improvement she was feeling. Olivia shifted slightly and slowly peeled her eyes open.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

Olivia shifted her head a little further to the side to meet the aide's eyes. She suspected Tara had stayed with her the entire time she'd been asleep.

"Better. How long have I been out?"

"Hours. It's already early afternoon."

Olivia groaned softly. She really hadn't wanted to sleep that long. With the improvement in her headache though it had probably been worth it.

"How far behind am I?"

Tara actually laughed. They certainly couldn't say Olivia had used a minor headache as an excuse to stay in bed. She was genuinely concerned about how her morning off would damage her training.

"They should be able to get you caught up quickly enough. Once I see you're okay on your feet I'll let Marshelle know you'll be joining everyone."

"Okay."

Olivia slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position and stayed there a while to make sure the headache didn't flare up again and dizziness didn't set in. When she was sure her headache wasn't going to increase any more than the few notches it already had Olivia reached one hand out to Tara's arm and used the other to push herself off the bed. Tara kept a solid grip on Olivia until she had been on her feet for at least a minute.

"Good?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. Go ahead."

"I'll meet you outside your room once I talk to Marshelle."

Olivia nodded and started to gather what she would need to get ready for the day.

O . o . O . o . O

Marshelle passed the leash over to Olivia with a warm smile. They'd discussed how to ask a dog to perform a task, and Olivia had seen a demonstration of heeling. Now it was her turn to give it a try on her own. Marshelle had given her Bentley, a beautiful golden retriever with a calm personality.

Olivia took a steadying breath and prepared to ask the dog to stay at her side no matter how she moved. It was a difficult maneuver, and Olivia found out why. As long as she was standing still Bentley stayed beside her. The moment she moved though everything changed. Bentley wandered away from her side, crossed in front of her, and trotted ahead. Multiple tries later Olivia finally made good progress and was able to keep the golden at her side no matter what she did. For what had seemed like an easy task at the beginning it had taken her a really long time to succeed.

"She fits well with you,"Marshelle commented as they walked together to where the other trainees were working.

"You think so?"

"So far, yes. It's too early to say for sure, but so far so good. You have a lot more work to do today though."

When they reached the rest of the group Olivia received smiles all around and verbal concern and encouragement from a few. Micheal came over and gently bumped her arm.

"You had me worried. Didn't show up, and I had no idea what was going on."

"The headaches have never been that bad before. It was like my brain was turned into scrambled eggs."

"Doing better now though."

"Yeah. Just trying to catch up."

"I wouldn't worry about it too much. We're all having trouble with different things. One of the dogs was already switched out too."

That made Olivia feel a little bit better, and she focused her full attention on the trainer explaining the next task. For the rest of the day she spent her time memorizing commands and asking her dog to perform them. Like Micheal had described, some of the tasks were simple, and Bentley accomplished them near flawlessly the first time she asked. Other tasks continued to bring frustration. Despite her struggle, Bentley was more than willing to keep trying for Olivia. By the end of the day Olivia was exhausted but pleased. If the rest of the training continued as well as that day had, Olivia had high hopes about the end result.


	24. Chapter 24 - Luck Like Normal

Chapter Twenty Four – Luck Like Normal

Unfortunately everything didn't continue to go well for her. After the first night with Bentley she'd found the golden shed more than she'd be able to deal with. Marshelle had immediately given her a different dog. And another. And another. Four days into the training and she still hadn't found a dog that really clicked for her. The second dog she'd worked with had become incredibly uneasy when she'd had a seizure. Seeing that nothing had worked so far, Marshelle had changed course and started pairing Olivia with dogs from the second set she'd considered. These were more high spirited and would require a firmer hand, but the "before" Olivia could match well with them. Her old, strong-willed personality had definitely come out with her third dog. The two of them had wound up in a full blown battle of wills that had resulted in a stalemate. With that fight Olivia was brought to her fourth dog.

By that point everyone else in the group had managed to find a dog that fit with them. They were all getting to work with the same one day in and day out. Almost all of them were comfortable taking their dogs through the simulated stores at the center, and Marshelle was ready to take them out on their first trip into the "real world." Olivia would be going along as well, but once again she'd be working with a new dog; this time a German Shepard.

The group piled into vans with their dogs and headed to the mid-size mall forty minutes away. At first the trip had started well. They'd split into groups of three dog handlers and a trainer and wandered the mall, stopping to visit a store or two along the way. Olivia's dog, Sam, hadn't been behaving any worse than the other two in her group. Everything was going okay, and she was getting along well enough with Sam. When they entered the food court everything changed. It wasn't the smell of hamburgers and Chinese teriyaki chicken that set him off though. It was all of the neon signs.

Sam became edgy right when he saw them. Olivia was able to calm him a bit until they got into the actual food court area. Once Sam was surrounded, no soothing was going to get him to relax and focus. He whined and started dancing back and forth on the end of the leash. As he became more and more worked up he started pulling and trying to escape the area. In the end they'd all needed to leave the food court, and the trainer had had to help Olivia calm Sam down until he was more manageable. Olivia was assured that Sam's actions weren't her fault. All of the dogs were trained to ignore their surroundings, but like people, there were some things that were incredibly terrifying to them. There was just no way to know what would trigger a specific dog until they encountered it. Living in Manhattan, a dog that triggered to neon lights wouldn't work. Bright flashing lights and neon signs used to draw attention were prevalent throughout New York City. Olivia would be forced to move on to another dog.

On the trip back to the center Olivia leaned her head up against the window and stared out dejectedly. She was starting to wonder if there even was a dog at the center that would work for her. The more dogs she tried the more hopeless she was becoming. Nothing seemed to be working, and she was beginning to accept that luck wasn't with her. She could easily walk away from the center without a dog. Even if she did leave with one chances were it wouldn't be one that could help her.

When they returned to the center Olivia climbed out of the car with Sam and waited for Marshelle to join her. Once she had Olivia held the leash out to her.

"We'll find someone."

Olivia scraped together a weak smile.

"Yeah," she replied even though she wasn't sure she believed it.

Marshelle could see the disappointment starting to wear on Olivia. If she gave up they wouldn't find a dog that would fit with her. The next dog she paired with Olivia could be the last one, and Marshelle would have to think long and hard about which one it should be. Tomorrow morning they'd try again.

O . o . O . o . O

"Call him back, Olivia."

The pairing Marshelle had hoped would work for Olivia wasn't going well. Check, the black lab she was trying, was playing games. He'd gone to retrieve the shoe Olivia had asked him to get without any trouble. The problem had come with bringing it back. He'd happily played around after, running back and forth, doing circles around Olivia, and darting away, the shoe dangling from his mouth the entire time. At first Olivia had gotten frustrated, which only encouraged Check to mess around more. Soon enough the frustration turned into apathy. Olivia was hardly trying anymore.

"Bring the shoe, Check."

Check paused and looked at her, tail wagging. Instead of returning to her side he bounded off to the opposite end of the room. Olivia looked like she'd expected the failure. Her shoulders slumped and she looked down at the ground in defeat. Marshelle sighed and turned to the dog.

"Check," she called out firmly. "Bring the shoe."

When he hesitated she repeated herself. The second time did the trick. He came trotting over to her and held the shoe out.

"You shouldn't let him play with you like this."

"It's just not working."

"Because you're giving up."

"What else am I supposed to do?" Olivia asked sadly.

"Try again. And again, and again until we find the one that works."

"Sometimes you just can't win. It's alright."

Olivia had been on the losing end more times than she could count. Some cases couldn't be solved or couldn't be won. Maybe she was one of those cases. It certainly wouldn't be surprising considering the cards she'd drawn from day one of her life.

"You should spend your time with everyone else here. People you can help," Olivia continued.

Her last hope had dwindled away, and it was time to accept that. She gave Marshelle another smile in thanks for her effort and turned away, heading for her room. Olivia may have accepted the situation as hopeless, but Marshelle hadn't. As much as she wanted to help though, she didn't have a lot of options left, especially when Olivia had given up. Marshelle only saw one possibility remaining. When she'd first read about Olivia she'd considered trying one of the dogs that needed someone special. Their pasts seemed like they could be a good match. The only problem was it would be a last chance for both of them now. Even so, what did she have to lose at this point? Before making a final decision she wanted to double check one thing. Marshelle returned to her office to search for a phone number. Finding it, she dialed.

_"This is Fin."_

"Detective Tutuola?"

_"Yeah. Who's this?"_

"Marshelle Braxton with Paws with a Cause."

_"Right. Liv okay?"_

"Yes. I just wanted to ask you something about what you wrote in her entry survey. You said she could take someone's trouble, connect with them, and help them through."

_"Like you wouldn't believe. Never seen anyone better with victims."_

"And she would give anything to help someone in need no matter how bad off she was?"

_"Pretty much, yeah. There've only been a few times she didn't do too well. Usually that was because she'd just lost her partner or something else was messing with her big time. Other than those times, Liv pulled off miracles with victims and never gave up."_

"Thank you. That's all I needed to hear."

_"Sure. How's she doin'?"_

"Hopefully better after your help. We'll see what happens."

Marshelle thanked him and hung up. Now that she was absolutely sure Olivia would focus all of her efforts on someone that needed her help Marshelle was ready to move on. They had a dog at the center that could really use Olivia's love and help. In return, Olivia could use his support. Together they could heal each other's wounds. If, of course, things worked out. After what she'd just heard and what she knew from working with Olivia she truly believed they could work. Leaving her office, Marshelle went in search of one of her aiding trainers.

"Chris, will you bring Vesuvius out for me?"

"Suvi?" he responded skeptically. "Are you sure?"

All of the trainers and aids at the center knew about Vesuvius. At one point he'd been a great service dog, but now they couldn't get much out of him. The last few times they'd placed him with a client things hadn't gone well. A lot of dogs couldn't cut it in a service dog program. Initially Vesuvius had shown that he could handle it, but now he was on his last chance.

"I'm sure, Chris. Get him for me."

With Vesuvius' leash in hand Marshelle headed down to Olivia's room. She'd taken a break from the training after her most recent failure, and Marshelle was okay with that. In fact, she wasn't going to have Olivia rejoin the training until the next day. Olivia and Suvi didn't need to rush into training. Instead they needed to get to know each other.

She knocked gently on Olivia's door and waited for her to answer. It didn't take very long. When Olivia opened the door she found Marshelle standing outside with a golden retriever at her side. All of the dogs that were brought out before had been all wagging tails and bright eyes. This one was different. He hardly looked interested in what was going on around him.

"Can we come in?"

"Sure," Olivia returned as she stepped away from the door to give her room to enter.

Olivia sat down on the edge of her bed while Marshelle took the only chair. She watched Marshelle ask Vesuvius to lie down and wait. They'd been taught that command early on in their training. When the dogs had lain down their heads were usually up and their eyes were either on their handler or anything interesting going on in the area. Vesuvius didn't do any of that. After he'd flopped down on the ground he settled his head onto his front paws and ignored the two women.

"He's really gorgeous."

And he was. His pale golden fur, not quite bordering on cream, was silky and sleek. Olivia could imagine that when he was standing and wagging his tail, which was currently fanned out across the floor, it would be truly beautiful. Add to that the deep brown eyes and the only thing that could contradict his beauty was the sadness inside of him.

"He is."

"This is who I'm working with now?"

Round five? Six? Olivia had lost count.

"Maybe. He's a bit of a project, but a good one for you I think."

Olivia glanced down at the golden retriever curiously before looking back up at Marshelle and giving her a look to go on.

"Vesuvius has had a bit of heartbreak. We paired him with a little boy in a wheelchair a few years ago. Do you remember how we talked about the strength of the bond between service dog and master?" When she received a nod she continued. "When Suvi's master died suddenly he was devastated. He was brought back here so we could pair him with someone else, but he hasn't shown much interest. He's on his last chance before he leaves the program. I need someone that can break through the sadness surrounding him."

"And you think that person is me?"

"I do. Your former coworkers told me what you are capable of. He needs some of that."

Olivia looked back down to watch Suvi again. She could definitely see that he needed a lot of the same gentle touches and words that the victims she'd worked with needed. It was something she thought she could do. One of the reasons she'd agreed to join the program in the first place was to have something else to focus everything on. Working with Suvi would give her that something for sure. She reached down and trailed her fingers lightly over the fur on top of his head.

Marshelle could see Olivia considering the possibility. When she turned her eyes down to Suvi and touched his head Marshelle suspected she had convinced her. Not waiting until Olivia took her eyes off of him, Marshelle finished her request quickly.

"Stay with him and do what you'd like until tomorrow. You can join everyone else then."

"Alright," Olivia replied.

She was more than content to just stay in her room and get to know Suvi. There wouldn't be any pressure for them to work together or click as an official pair. Olivia really wasn't in a rush to suffer another disappointment. Marshelle patted her knee before leaving the two of them alone to get to know each other. Once Marshelle had left Olivia looked down at Suvi. He hadn't moved an inch.

"Hey, buddy. Do you want to come up here?"

The only indication she received that he'd even recognized her presence and spoken to him was a sad huffed out breath. Olivia honestly couldn't blame him though. She really didn't feel like moving either. In this case she'd have to put forth the effort. Just like how her victims needed to know someone was there for them, so did Suvi. Olivia lowered herself down onto the floor next to him and leaned back against the bed. She spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the floor with Suvi and stroking his fur. Neither one of them moved until it was time to go down to dinner.

* * *

_Author's Note: Just sending a shout out to all of you still reading this and showing how much you like it. It means a lot and is a big reason why I'm plugging away at the sequel. I wish I could say it's moving as fast as this one did, but Olivia Benson and Joan Campbell are having a fist fight in my head right now and Joan does not want to be silenced or put on hold._


	25. Chapter 25 - Last Chance

Chapter Twenty Five – Last Chance

"Alright, Suvi. We have work to do today. Let's go."

He lifted his head to look at her but didn't show any more sign of getting up. Olivia knelt down near him and held out the leash. Suvi slowly pushed himself to his feet and plodded over. After she clipped the leash to the ring on his collar she rubbed his ears and head. When Suvi leaned into the touch Olivia was more than happy to keep rubbing. The weight on her hand increased as he leaned harder against her. If they missed a little bit of that day's training Olivia wouldn't mind. Making Suvi happy was more than worth it.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

The sudden question startled Olivia, and she stopped rubbing Suvi's ears and looked at the door.

"I'm fine. We'll be out in a second."

Suvi shook himself out and focused on the door. Olivia chuckled, grabbed his leash again, and headed out. She ordered Suvi to heel, and he immediately took his place at her side. They started down to the training room together.

"Better hurry or you're going to miss breakfast," Marshelle warned when Olivia walked in.

"Sorry," Olivia answered as she grabbed a seat.

She was just about to take a bite of her cereal when she caught sight of the people on her left all scooting over. When she looked up Micheal was sitting beside her and grinning.

"Decided to copy me, huh?"

Micheal had been paired with a huge golden retriever on the third day. The big dog was like a fluffy teddy bear, and he absolutely adored the ex-Marine. They'd been working really well together since then. Nobody doubted the two of them would be going home together.

"It seemed to work out pretty well for you," Olivia returned.

"Kind of small isn't he?"

"Only compared to your monster."

Standing up, Suvi's back reached to an inch or so above her knee at least. It might have even been a bit higher.

"What's his name?"

"Vesuvius."

"Seriously? He hardly looks explosive. More mopey."

Olivia smiled softly and reached down to run her fingers through the fur on top of his head. No, Suvi definitely wasn't explosive like his name-sake right now. His spirit had been broken just like Olivia's had. That didn't mean they couldn't both be healed and get their fire back.

"Not yet. We're working on it." She looked down at Suvi and continued in a whisper not meant for Micheal. "We're working on it."

"Alright everyone," Marshelle called out to get the participants' attention. "We'll be working in the simulation areas as well as outside today. You will be split into groups based on what will benefit you most. Once you turn today's test in you'll be given your group assignments.

Olivia heard a few groans from the gathered group. While the written review tests they were required to take every morning had never bothered Olivia, she knew they were irritating to some of the others. Dealing with the essays was almost like being back in college, or for Olivia, like being on desk duty. Micheal in particular didn't like the tests. While he wasn't the only one that needed to work one on one with an aide to dictate his answers, he didn't like the reminder that he could no longer do something as simple as writing. None of them were too concerned about knowing the content. They'd been practicing it for days.

O . o . O . o . O

Olivia asked Suvi to come to her side once again and buried her left hand in his harness. Before she'd been hurt stairs had never bothered her. In fact, she tended to prefer steps over elevators unless she was really tired. Now she avoided steps like the plague. They were not a good place to have a seizure. The group she'd been placed with was practicing going down with their dogs' help. Olivia had already made it down once and it hadn't gone too badly. She was feeling stable enough to get down on her own today, but there were times when this new trick would come in handy. Practicing when she was more than capable of catching herself if she or Suvi did something wrong was reassuring. So far Suvi was doing really well. In everything they'd worked on that day he hadn't hesitated once. Suvi knew what she was asking and what to do. The only negative was that he performed everything blandly. He did the bare minimum, dragging his feet and hanging his head. As he supported her down the steps it was the same thing. He stayed right by her side, going down one step at a time until they were at the bottom, but there was on extra enthusiasm or movement. In fact, he rarely even looked up at her. Together they headed back up the steps to join the rest of the group.

"Good work, Olivia. Alright, everyone. Let's head back inside and move on," the trainer said.

As they headed inside Micheal wandered up to Olivia's side.

"You guys looked good."

"Thanks. I'm still trying to get a little more out of him."

She wanted to see more of a bounce in his step, see more light in his eyes. So far she was still seeing more emptiness than anything else. It would take time though.

"Hey, at least he's listening."

"Yeah. You looked good too."

"Never expected steps to not be painful again. Or at least not as painful. It's nice."

"Must be…"

Olivia never had the chance to finish. The sky and distant trees suddenly faded to the same color as the concrete and then everything darkened. It felt like she was moving in slow motion. Her seizure struck a moment later, and she collapsed in a crumpled heap. She'd fallen unconscious almost immediately.

Suvi bounded away and watched. He'd seen her seize the day before. Once during the day and a few more times when she'd been asleep. His eyes remained locked on her, his head down as the seizure continued.

When the shaking finally slowed it had been nearly three minutes. Once her body had stilled except for a few errant twitches the trainer in charge moved to Olivia's side. She hadn't regained consciousness yet so the trainer rolled her onto her side in a recovery position. The seizure had been a bad one.

"She okay?" Micheal asked worriedly as he hovered nearby.

"I don't know yet. She's still out."

"Is that bad?"

"No. Not unless it lasts too long. It was a long seizure so it wouldn't surprise me if she had trouble coming out of it."

As Olivia became aware again she felt something scratchy and vaguely warm against her cheek, but she had no idea what it was. She had even less of an idea where she was or what had happened. Her whole body hurt and a deep, sluggish feeling had settled over her. She did not want to move. In fact, she didn't even want to open her eyes. Words drifted to her through the fog.

"She's still not awake. Isn't it a long time?"

No matter how much she didn't want to, she had to open her eyes. It was a slow progress. Her eyes flickered open and closed a few times before she managed to keep them open.

"Easy, honey. You had a pretty bad seizure. Stay down," the aide told her as she rested a hand on Olivia's arm.

"Okay…"

She didn't like to just lie on the ground after a seizure, especially when she was outside or around other people. At the moment though, she wasn't against staying where she was. It was uncomfortable and somewhat humiliating, but if she got up she could easily wind up unconscious again. The quiet click of nails on concrete drew Olivia's attention. When she looked up she found herself staring into the soft brown eyes of a dog. Suvi took two more steps forward and lowered himself to the ground beside her. He gently licked Olivia's fingers and looked up at her. Olivia stared down at him with her mouth hanging slightly open. This was the first time he'd shown any kind of affection. It was the first time he'd gone above and beyond what she'd asked him to do as well. Smiling, she wrapped an arm around him and tried to relax. Everything was going to be okay now.

O . o . O . o . O

"It worked."

"What did, Marshelle?" the trainer standing beside her asked.

She pointed quickly toward where Olivia and Suvi were working.

"Those two. When was the last time you saw Suvi wagging his tail?"

And that was exactly what was happening. There wasn't much of a wag, but his tail was twitching back and forth from time to time. Whatever Olivia had done, she had reached him. What was more, Suvi had brought new life into Olivia as well. There was actually a smile on her face and every time he returned to her side she reached down and ruffled his ears.

"It's been a long time."

"A really long time," Marshelle confirmed.

She couldn't take her eyes off of Olivia and Suvi. At first the plan to bring them together had been a long shot. It wasn't so much of a long shot now.

Marshelle's eyes followed Olivia, and she caught her looking toward a tennis ball sitting abandoned on the ground. A slow smile spread across her face.

"Suvi, bring the ball," Olivia ordered.

Marshelle watched as Suvi did as she asked and dropped the ball into Olivia's hand. Olivia twisted it in her hand and stared down at the ball for a moment before looking back up at Suvi.

"You want to play, buddy?"

She tossed the ball into the air and caught it again. The first few times Suvi looked at her curiously, but soon enough his eyes followed the ball. Olivia cocked her arm back and sent the ball flying toward the wall. Suvi spun in a clatter of claws and bolted after the ball. He caught it, wheeled around, and raced back to her.

"Well would you look at that," Marshelle whispered.

They'd tried to entice Suvi to play since he'd returned to the center and hadn't gotten anywhere. It wasn't quite tongue lolling out of his mouth happiness, but she'd take it. Her surprise wasn't going to end there. Without warning Micheal's dog Tucker came thundering past Olivia and snatched the ball right from in front of Suvi. The smaller golden retriever initially looked confused. So did Olivia. She reacted first and turned to glare at a smirking Micheal. As Suvi walked back to her side Olivia knelt down next to him and leaned close to his ear. Marshelle had no idea what Olivia had said to Suvi, but his tail wagged slightly in reply. Micheal accepted the ball from Tucker and sent it flying again. The second it was in the air Suvi rocketed past his larger counterpart. The ball bounced over a laundry basket sitting on the ground that the dogs could fetch clothes from. Instead of going around the basket Suvi took a flying leap over it. A few seconds later he came trotting proudly around it with the ball in his mouth.

"Good boy, Suvi!" Olivia cheered.

Marshelle let them play for a few more rounds before calling both pairs to order again.

"Olivia, Micheal, you do have work to do. This will be a good test of whether you can get your dogs to focus again."

"Sorry, Marshelle," Micheal called out.

"It's alright. Just call them back to task now."

Both of Marshelle's project students called out to their dogs and told them it was time to go back to work. Suvi tipped his head and gave Olivia a look that clearly said, "Do I have to?" At a firm reminder from Olivia he obeyed and returned to her side ready to work. Tucker didn't do anywhere near as well. He bounded happily around Micheal in anticipation of another throw. When Micheal reprimanded him and repeated the order to go to work Tucker decided it was fine to play on his own since Micheal didn't seem to want to join him. He gallivanted around the room, shaking his head playfully.

"Hey, Tucker!" Micheal called out as Olivia stood by and patted Suvi's back appreciatively.

Marshelle suspected Olivia was finding it rather nice to have the dog that was behaving well for once.

"Be firm with him, Micheal. Don't let him ignore you."

It took a lot of coaxing and encouragement but Tucker eventually obeyed, probably because he'd had enough messing around more than anything else.

"We're going to work on that," Marshelle informed Micheal once he'd clipped the leash back onto Tucker.

"I'd say so," he agreed.

They all started laughing.


	26. Chapter 26 - A Positive Turn

Chapter Twenty Six – A Positive Turn

Ever since the day Suvi had responded to Olivia and realized she was someone that really needed his help the training sessions had been going well. Three days ago they'd had their first day of one on one instruction. Olivia had spent most of that day on the floor, though it hadn't been for negative reasons. The trainer working with them had been guiding Suvi's responses to Olivia's seizures. While Olivia pretended to have a seizure Suvi would stand nearby, protecting her head, until it ended. When that happened he was being taught to check if Olivia was awake. If she wasn't he would roll her onto her side, and if she was he would help brace her as she got up. For the most part Suvi did really well. Even though the trainer working with them had told her Suvi was a fast learner and intuitive enough to pick up some things on his own, Olivia was still impressed with him. The only trouble he'd had was trying to roll her over. More often than not he couldn't do it or wound up stepping on her in the process. When he did Olivia had to try really hard not to laugh. She'd been assured they would keep working on it.

Two days ago had been their first day out in public together. Nothing had gone wrong. He'd been absolutely perfect, not distracted by anything. There was only one moment he'd become nervous. Two toddlers had suddenly started screaming right next to him, and he'd skittered away. Olivia had needed to calm him down for quite a while, but it hadn't bothered her. She honestly couldn't blame him for being uneasy after what had happened. He'd calmed and refocused within what Olivia had considered a reasonable amount of time. If that was the worst he would have trouble with Olivia would take it.

Yesterday they'd shown nearly the entire group up. When they'd been letting the dogs play and then calling them back to work Suvi had responded right away. There had been no messing around, no head tilt of questioning, not even a moment of hesitation. He'd returned to her side and stood calmly beside her despite what was going on in the room. Most of the other dogs ignored the requests and went on playing. Two had returned right away, but one was obviously still dancing around beside her master. Even Tucker needed a second reminder before he obeyed. Some of the rest had been just as slow to respond as Tucker had been the first time Micheal and Olivia had tried. Olivia had more than enjoyed the moment of triumph. She hadn't been able to consider the rest of the day a triumph, but it hadn't been too bad. They'd worked individually again, and Olivia and Suvi had focused on him learning to roll her over. By the end of the day he hadn't quite managed to figure it out, but at least Olivia hadn't gotten a mouthful of fur as often. That was an improvement.

Now they had reached the last two days of the training session. Technically they only had one day left of actual training. The final day would be their Public Access Test and graduation. After that they'd be on their own. Olivia felt relatively confident though since she and Suvi had been working really well together. The test was a little worrying, she had to admit, but they were ready for it.

"You're really not worried about tomorrow?" Micheal asked as they walked down to lunch together.

"Not really. Are you?"

"Hell yes."

"Oh come on. A military guy like you who's been through a lot of high level testing?"

"That's why you're not worried? We don't pass we lose them, Olivia."

"We're not going to lose them. We know what we're doing. We're both going to pass," she assured him and squeezed his arm. "You'll see."

"Glad one of us has that much confidence."

Olivia chuckled softly and sat down at the table to eat. Suvi took his place on the floor behind her.

"Just sit down, eat, and stop worrying about it."

"Easy for you to say. You're not worried."

"You've managed to get through fear before, Marine. I'm sure you can do it again."

"You're awful, you know that?"

Olivia snorted and glanced over at him.

"I've been called a lot worse before."

Micheal simply shook his head and sat down next to her. He figured she had been quite often with the job she did.

"Let me guess. Bitch was a common one."

"Yeah. That would be the big one. I got slut, whore, and bull dyke quite a bit too. Sex offenders aren't very creative in their name calling. They're more creative in their threats."

"Did you at least throw some good ones back?"

"Of course. They normally involved some form of castration."

"Wouldn't blame you."

"Yeah," Olivia replied before picking up her drink and ending the conversation. Even with all of the years on the job if she let herself think too much about some of the cases she'd still lose her appetite. It wasn't something she needed to be thinking about even if they weren't in the middle of a meal. While Olivia worked at putting her mind on a different track, silence reigned between her and Micheal. It eventually lasted a bit too long, and Micheal broke into her thoughts.

"Hey, you okay? You went silent on me for a while there."

"Sorry. Just trying not to let some memories bubble their way back up."

"Need to get it off your chest?"

"No. And I'm sure you have more than enough bad pictures in your head from your tours. You don't need mine too."

"Fair enough. A different topic then."

"Sure."

They spent the rest of their lunch break talking about things that weren't quite as depressing. There was simply a massive amount of energy permeating the group since they were on their last few days of training. The realization that they would be going home with a new best friend that would stay by their side all the time had finally set in. Only one thing came close to marring the excitement: nervousness about the upcoming certification test. Olivia wasn't going to let any of the fears bother her too much though. After everything she'd been through in trying to find a dog that fit her she wasn't about to lose him now. She was confident in her ability and more than capable of controlling her nerves.

They were almost done with lunch when Suvi lurched to his feet. He started weaving back and forth beside Olivia and whining softly. Olivia stared down at him in surprise. He'd never behaved like this before.

"Suvi? What's wrong, buddy?"

Suvi whined some more and pawed at her leg. When Olivia still stared at him curiously he began barking at her. That drew everyone's attention. Service dogs rarely, if ever, barked. The only time it was expected was when they were trying to get help. For Suvi to be barking now when Olivia was obviously fine was strange.

"Olivia, I think you should lie down," Marshelle told her.

"What?" It was such a bizarre request that she didn't know what to think.

"Lie down on the floor. I'll explain later."

Olivia didn't argue and stood from the table to lie down on the floor. She only made it to a sitting position before the seizure struck. The table of concerned faces slipped past her view as she lost control of her body and slumped the rest of the way to the ground. A dark nose and light furry face drifted across her field of vision before the seizure sucked her fully under.

Suvi sprang into action the second Olivia went down. He bounded around her and stood protectively over her head so she wouldn't hit it on the bench of the table. Until the shaking stopped he would stay right where he was. His eyes remained locked worriedly on her. As the seizure finally slowed and stopped Suvi stepped away from her head and came around to face her. First he licked her fingers and then moved to sniff at her face. Olivia woke to the feeling of warm breath against her cheek. Her eyes slowly opened and she reached up with a shaky hand to stroke his fur. Coming out of a seizure was never easy, but with Suvi there it wasn't anywhere near as bad.

"It's okay, Suvi. I'm okay."

As Olivia slowly sat up Suvi huffed out a relieved breath and pressed his head against her chest. She wrapped her arms around him and just held him for a while. He was a stabling force for her after the seizures. When she felt steady and sure of herself she released her grip on Suvi and twined her hand in his collar. She didn't need to give him the command to walk forward and pull her up. He knew what she wanted and easily helped her stand. Olivia patted him appreciatively and sat back down at the table.

"How did you know?" she asked Marshelle.

"I didn't, but when Suvi started barking I suspected. Some dogs can sense the minute changes before a seizure hits. He seemed to pick it up really quickly. I'm honestly impressed."

"And he could warn me?" Olivia asked incredulously. The concept that the dog she'd chosen was capable of predicting seizures was unreal. From what she understood it wasn't common.

"He already did once. I don't think he could warn you of every one, but some of them for sure. As he becomes more attuned to you he might be able to pick up more. You'll find out as time goes on."

Olivia looked down at Suvi. Seeming to sense her gaze he looked up at her with a big doggie grin. A smile stretched across Olivia's face in reply, and she reached down to wiggle his ears. Before he'd shown this new ability Olivia knew Suvi would give her most of her life back. Now, if he really could warn her of an impending seizure, she wouldn't need to worry much at all. He could bring her more independence than her wildest hopes.

And to think she hadn't even wanted to try initially.

She had a lot of thank yous to give.


	27. Chapter 27 - The First Step

Chapter Twenty Seven – The First Step

Olivia took the last few steps out of the store with a bag in her hand and Suvi walking calmly and confidently at her side. She released a drawn out breath of relief. For as much as she'd insisted she wasn't nervous, she'd certainly been fighting the nerves the whole time she'd been taking her test.

"Nice work, Olivia," Marshelle told her once she reached them. "You pass."

A bright smile lit Olivia's face. It was over. There was nothing to worry about anymore. The Public Access Test was complete, and they were now an officially certified pair. Suvi was hers.

"Official service dogs," Micheal told her warmly.

"Official service dogs," Olivia repeated happily.

Micheal and Tucker had taken their exam before Olivia and Suvi. Everything had gone well, and he'd walked out with a pass too. Now they could legally bring their dogs into any public building they had access to. What was even more important was that their dogs were now officially theirs.

On the drive back to the center there wasn't a moment of silence. Everyone was far too busy chattering excitedly, congratulating each other, and praising their dogs. It had been a wonderful day for everyone. The only thing that would make it better was taking their dogs home later that afternoon. When they reached the center Marshelle told all of them to return to their rooms and pack before meeting in the main training room with their dogs.

O . o . O . o . O

"Of course a woman would take longer to pack," Micheal teased ten minutes later as he leaned against the door frame of Olivia's room.

He'd already finished his own packing and had decided to wait for her before heading to the training room for their last meeting. Her door had been open, and he'd found her still busy putting things into her suitcase. Olivia glanced up at him and snorted in amusement.

"Suvi keeps helping. At least it would be helping if I were unpacking. I don't really have the heart to tell him to stop."

When Suvi heard his name his head came up revealing the bottle of Olivia's shampoo in his mouth. The second Micheal saw it he burst out laughing. Olivia smiled in response.

"I know. Now you see why I couldn't ask him to stop."

"I can't see how that would taste good."

"I try to clean them off before I pack them."

"Maybe you shouldn't have tried."

"Maybe not. At least with him holding that one the entire time I've been able to pack everything else," she explained before turning to her dog. "Suvi, give."

He hopped up and dropped the now slobbery bottle into her hand. Olivia made a face but tossed the shampoo into her bag without trying to clean it off. She zipped up her bag and dragged it to the wall by the door.

"Come on, Suvi."

Suvi bounded to her side and danced around her legs. His excitement level was almost higher than Olivia's. She let him play a little longer before asking him to go to work. He ran one more lap around her before settling calmly at her side.

"Ready?" Micheal asked.

"Ready."

Once everyone was gathered in the training room Marshelle stood to address them.

"Before you take your first steps back into your new lives when you walk out of here, I want you to know a few things. First, everyone here is incredibly proud of the progress you've made and the changes we've seen in all of you. Second, we are still here for you if you have problems or questions. Third, just because you are walking out of the center doesn't mean you are walking out of our lives. We like hearing updates every so often. Now then, besides advice, we also have something else for all of you."

Three aides walked into the gathered group, passing out a sheet of paper and a plastic card to everyone.

"These are your certificates of training and certification cards stating that you and your dog are an official service dog pair."

Olivia looked down at the certificate and card and brushed her fingers over them. Holding both in her hands made owning a service dog seem more real.

"We did it, Suvi," she whispered and reached down to rub her dog's ears.

"There's one more thing," Marshelle told them. "We have a graduation present for you."

She lifted something out of a cardboard box behind her and revealed a blue and white service dog vest. Excited chatter erupted from the group. They'd all assumed they would either be keeping the vests they'd been using for public outings or be buying their own. To be getting one that was brand new for free was beyond everyone's expectations.

"The aides will be coming around to get all of the dogs fitted."

O . o . O . o . O

It was all over. Or, maybe, it was all beginning. The new service dog owners were set to head home, and some of them had already left. Olivia figured she had at least half an hour before Cragen showed up to drive her home. That should give her more than enough time to do the one last thing she wanted to get done before leaving. With Suvi at her side and looking even more impressive in his new navy vest, Olivia went in search of Marshelle. It didn't take her very long to find her.

"Hey."

"Olivia. What's going on? Excited to go home?"

"Yeah. I'm really excited to take him home, and it's really all thanks to you. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know I'm not exactly easy to work with."

"No, you're not, but it was worth the effort. You just needed a little convincing from time to time that it would be."

"I think it was more like a lot of convincing."

"Maybe, but you did me a favor too. You saved him."

She nodded down toward Vesuvius, and Olivia smiled. He'd saved her just as much as she'd saved him.

"I'm glad your plan worked out."

"You and me both, Olivia. Now go. Your ride should be here soon."

Olivia grinned, slightly amused that Marshelle was kicking her out. Unlike when she'd first arrived, she wasn't digging in her heels at the thought of taking a chance on something new. She didn't argue with Marshelle and headed outside to wait. Micheal was standing there as well and enjoying the sunshine so Olivia went over to join him.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," he returned. "So this is it, huh?"

"This is it." She was about to add more when she heard Micheal's name called out across the parking lot. A short, brunette woman was hurrying across the open space toward them.

"My girlfriend," Micheal explained.

The woman reached the two of them and wrapped her arms around Micheal.

"Well hello to you too," he told her once she'd released him.

"I see you've made a friend."

"Don't worry. We didn't share a room."

Olivia sensed the teasing in his voice and figured his girlfriend hadn't really been worried about that. Considering his girlfriend was smiling too Olivia was confident in her determination. With that confidence came a desire to tease him. He had, after all, teased her quite a bit during their training. She had the perfect ammunition too. Payback could be a bitch.

"Yeah. He shared a bed with another guy."

Micheal nearly choked, and his girlfriend gaped at Olivia in stunned shock.

"She means Tucker," Micheal finally got out. "My dog. And he didn't sleep in my bed!"

"Probably a good thing. He would have crushed you."

"You really are awful."

"I had to even the score."

He shook his head and smiled at her. She did have a point there, plus it had been a pretty awesome way to even things out.

"You have a ride coming?"

"Yeah. I'm good."

"Alright. Good luck."

"You too."

This time it was Olivia's turn to hold out her fist to Micheal. He lifted his hand and pressed his knuckles to hers with a nod. This could very well be the last time they ever saw each other. They'd agreed to try to keep in touch through email, but Olivia knew how easy it would be to lose touch. It happened quite often.

"Take care of yourself."

Olivia smiled softly in response. "You too."

She watched Micheal and his girlfriend had out and then sat down on the edge of her suitcase. The motion caused Suvi to look up at her worriedly. Olivia smiled at him and rubbed his head. Satisfied she was okay, he sat down next to her and tipped his head up so he could rest his chin on Olivia's thigh. As she watched the parking lot and waited for her ride she continued rubbing Suvi's ears and stroking back the fur on his head. When a car pulled up in front of her Olivia paused. The driver's side door opened and a man stepped out.

"Hey, Olivia."

"Morales?!" That was definitely not who she was expecting. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Believe it or not, TARU is probably the only unit that isn't swamped right now. The case everyone is working is pretty bad. Cragen was going to pick you up himself while the rest of the squad kept working until the shit hit the fan again. You can't exactly skip a meeting with the Police Commissioner and the mayor."

"The mayor?" Olivia gasped. When she'd been on the job, the mayor's opinions and demands had trickled down to them often enough. Trickle wasn't really the best work either. Sometimes his opinions had resembled a thundering waterfall more than a trickling stream. During the entire time she'd been a cop the mayor had never made a personal visit during an investigation. She wasn't even sure if the mayor personally met with Cragen during a case either. Probably not. At least until now.

"Yeah. This is a big one. Really glad we're not involved."

That sounded like a case Olivia wouldn't mind missing. Politically supercharged cases were never fun to work.

"Sounds like it."

She stood and pulled her suitcase to the car so Morales could help her get it into the trunk. With the suitcase stored away and Suvi loaded into the backseat they were ready to go. Olivia happily spent the ride back chatting with Morales about the training and Suvi. It wasn't until they got into Manhattan and joined the gridlock of traffic that the conversation went down less pleasant paths.

"You look like you're doing better. I have to admit, I was worried."

"Everyone's worried about me," Olivia muttered in mild annoyance. She didn't like being the center of attention, and she liked coming off as weak or needing help even less. Considering they all had had a reason to worry, she couldn't blame him for admitting it.

"Yeah, but I wasn't sure what I'd see when I came to pick you up."

"You almost saw your worst fears. If it wasn't for him, you would have."

She looked into the back to watch Suvi as he lay on the seat and watched her in return. When he saw her watching Suvi lifted his head off the seat and let his tongue loll out. Olivia snorted and turned back around.

"Well, I'm glad it worked. We all wanted to do something to help," Morales told her.

"I owe all of you a lot for everything you've done."

"Don't worry about it. You deserve more than you got."

He parked outside of her apartment and turned to look over at her.

"You want me to walk you up?"

"No. I'm good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Morales."

He helped her take her suitcase out of the trunk while she took Suvi's leash in hand. She thanked Morales again, said goodbye, and headed inside. Before she went up to her apartment she stopped by her super's place to let him know she officially had her service dog. Ten minutes later she was opening the door of her apartment for the first time in over a week.

"Here's your new home, buddy."

Olivia closed the door behind her and knelt down to unclip Suvi's leash and service vest. He looked up at her to make sure his job was done. When she nodded to him he started sniffing around to investigate the apartment. Olivia was about to walk into the kitchen to pick a take-out menu when she spotted a card sitting on the counter. Curious, she slid a finger under the flap and tore the envelope open. Inside was a welcome home card and a note from Cragen. She'd given him a key to her apartment after the accident just in case something happened, but he hadn't had reason to use it until now. Apparently he'd found the time even with a big case to stop by her place, clean up a bit, and leave her groceries. It was another thing she would have to thank him for. She wouldn't have wanted to come home to an empty fridge or a full one with spoiling food.

Grabbing the phone Olivia ordered some pizza and contented herself to spending the rest of the evening with Suvi. As she ate, Suvi investigated the apartment and his new things. Tomorrow would be their first day together without Marshelle Braxton or the other trainers. No matter what happened or what went wrong Olivia would be on her own.

* * *

_Author's Note: You amazing people have just made my day. I had always wanted to be one of those writers that could get over 100 reviews for one story. Now, without even asking for it since that would have totally been cheating in my mind, you all helped me pull it off. Plus, I'm still getting a lot of notifications about new follows and what not. Could be because this thing is so long, but I'm going to pretend that's not the case so I can keep grinning happily. Never fear! More is coming._


	28. Chapter 28 - Without a Safety Net

_Author's Note: So many of you thought it was over in your last reviews. Surprise! We aren't done yet. Not by a long shot. And I'm not even counting the sequel. :)_

* * *

Chapter Twenty Eight – Without a Safety Net

"Oof. Suvi…" Olivia grumbled as she pushed his nose away from her nose. He'd bounded up onto her bed and started snuffling at her face while he nearly stood on top of her. "Okay. Okay. I'm up."

She sat up, and Suvi dove off the bed and stood wagging his tail at her. Smiling, Olivia pulled herself out of bed and went to get dressed. After taking her medication, having a quick cup of coffee, and feeding Suvi she buckled on his vest and headed out. During their first few days together alone they hadn't ventured far. A lot had improved since then. Over the course of the week they'd gone from just walking down the street to taking longer trips. At first Olivia had checked Suvi's vest each time they went out to be sure her pills were in there, but eventually she didn't worry quite as much. The pills weren't going to walk out of the vest. Keeping some in Suvi's vest meant she would have access to them at any point if she needed them. She'd put a card in his vest as well that she hoped would come in handy if she did have a seizure. The card read:

My name is Vesuvius. I work as a service dog and help my master, Olivia, with a

seizure disorder. If she is having a seizure, I know what to do. You don't need to

call an ambulance unless…

The seizure lasts more than five minutes

A second seizure follows the first

I am barking and panicking

Thank you,

Suvi

So far she hadn't had reason to use it, but she knew that eventually she would have a seizure while they were out. Anything that could potentially keep her out of the hospital for a normal seizure was worth trying. So far their trips out hadn't been anywhere that dogs weren't allowed either. They'd walked the street, visited a dog park, and a pet shop. Olivia was planning to stop by the vet's office she'd chosen to use as well. The only thing stopping her was the fact that she couldn't walk there. Taking the subway or a cab was a big step, and Olivia didn't feel ready to take it yet.

Unfortunately that afternoon she wasn't going to have much of a choice in the matter. It was her first therapy appointment since before her ten day training. She wasn't sure what to expect when she tried to flag down a cab. Cabbies weren't the most understanding people when it came to things that could damage their cars. Even if that "thing" was a service dog that they legally had to accept, they could easily decline to take her. She even considered leaving Suvi at home but couldn't do it. Sucking it up and hoping things went well was her only option.

Forty minutes later Olivia had survived the cab ride and was sitting in Christine's office. Suvi was settled between her legs, and Olivia was busy running her fingers through his fur. It was keeping her relatively calm.

"So this is him, huh?" Christine asked.

"This is Vesuvius."

"He's adorable. How's it been going with him?"

"Not too bad. He's a really good boy." She looked down at Suvi and twisted a strand of his fur around her finger. It was beginning to become more and more of a habit when she was uneasy.

"But?"

"But taking this first trip with him in a cab was terrifying."

"I might be more inclined to believe that wasn't an exaggeration if you didn't have a job where you faced down guns for a living."

Olivia snorted and shook her head.

"Yeah, because when I was facing down guns I knew what I was doing and all of the possible outcomes of a situation like that. Taking a cab with a service dog? That's like knowing the laws behind owning a gun and the basics of how to use it but nothing else. I had no idea if I would even be allowed into a cab without an explanation. Anything could have happened."

"Which is scary, but you would have found a way to deal with it."

"You sound pretty sure of that."

"Since when have you been someone to let other people tell you what to do?"

Olivia smiled and nodded slightly. It was true. More often than not when someone told her she couldn't do something it only increased her determination, especially if she knew she was right. In the case of being allowed to bring Suvi with her, she _was _right.

Christine smiled too. Already having a service dog was having a positive effect on Olivia. There was fire and spunk back in her.

"So what's your next step?"

"Ah, so far we've been visiting places that are dog friendly and within walking distance. I guess I'll try the subway and introduce myself to the vet we're going to use next. After that I might try one of the coffee shops or bistros on my block. Eventually."

"Eventually?"

"Yeah."

"You've taken huge steps forward so far. Don't stop now. Pick a date you want to go in by. Sometime this week or next week by the latest. Putting it off too long will only make it harder."

Olivia took a deep breath and looked down. She knew that postponing the trip wouldn't make it any easier, but that didn't make her any more willing to go. Even so, she would listen to Christine's advice and pick a date. It just wouldn't be one of the earlier options.

"Two weeks from today."

"Not taking any chances there, are you?"

"You never know what could happen. I'd like to keep my options open."

"Do you think you're using that as an excuse for wanting to postpone something you're afraid of doing?"

"I'm not postponing anything. I stayed within your deadline."

"By the skin of your teeth."

"That's still within the time frame," Olivia returned darkly. She didn't like it when Christine made it sound like Olivia was making excuses for what could be seen as failures or refusal. If she made a mistake or didn't do as well as she should have by her own fault she owned up to it. This was not her fault, and she hadn't messed up. Her choice of time wasn't a refusal to commit to going either. She'd merely chosen a date that was realistic for her. After all, just because she said it would be done in two weeks didn't mean it would actually take that long. It simply _could_ take that long.

Christine knew that look all too well. She quickly held up her hands in surrender, letting Olivia know she wouldn't push harder on that one. It wouldn't get her anywhere and had the potential to ruin the remainder of their session. Olivia had been in a surprisingly good mood so far, and she didn't want to destroy that without a really good reason.

"Alright, why don't you tell me more about what has changed for you since he came into your life? It sounds like a lot in a short period of time."

The tension that had suddenly built up in Olivia leeched out of her shoulders. That was something she could easily answer. In only a week the changes had been numerous. She could move around more freely, there was warning before some seizures, she had more to do during the day, and she'd even gone outside just to walk around. None of that even included the emotional changes like her mood improving. Yes, this was something she could talk about.


	29. Chapter 29 - Little Terrors

Chapter Twenty Nine – Little Terrors

Taking a trip on the subway had been surprisingly easy. Security had given her an initial glance, but when he'd seen Suvi's vest he let her by without comment. A few of the passengers had given her looks as well. They ranged from simply curious to almost hostile. For the latter ones Olivia had drawn on her cop training and held her head high and ignored them. It had worked. Nobody had spoken a word to her besides one woman that had kindly told her that her dog was beautiful. That was perfectly fine with Olivia.

She led Suvi out of the subway and back onto the streets before checking her phone to make sure they were headed in the right direction. Once she was sure of the rest of her route she started off. It took them another fifteen minutes or so of walking before Olivia found the veterinary clinic she'd been looking for. Heading up the steps she made her way inside.

"May I help you?" the nurse asked when Olivia reached the front desk.

"I was hoping to get everything I would need set up and ready in case I ever need to bring my dog in. Maybe introduce myself to the vet if that's possible."

"Of course. I can give you the paperwork and check to see if Dr. Sparn has a minute." She handed the forms over to Olivia. "Let me know when you're done filling that out."

Olivia nodded and moved to sit down on the other side of the room and fill out the forms. The information was pretty basic. She had just finished everything and was considering whether she should find somewhere to include the fact that Suvi was a service dog when another dog was lead out of the back. The second the little fur ball spotted Suvi he started yapping up a storm. At first Suvi didn't seem bothered, but as the high pitched yips continued he whimpered and scooted back, pressing his body hard against Olivia's legs. He tipped his head up and back at her with sad eyes. That was interesting. Suvi actually seemed scared of the little dog. Olivia reached down and stroked the scruff of his neck to soothe him. She could actually feel him trembling slightly.

"It's alright, Suvi."

He whined again and tried to scoot back farther. The entire time the other dog was in the office Suvi never took his eyes off him. It wasn't until they left that he finally relaxed.

"I told you it was alright, you goof," Olivia laughed as she rubbed his neck again.

Considering everything that he could walk past and not be bothered by, it was rather amusing that a tiny dog would unsettle him. Or perhaps it was the sound of the barking. He'd been upset during training at the sound of a similarly high pitched scream from toddlers. She would have to keep it in mind for later. Olivia stood up and headed to the desk to return the forms. Suvi rocketed to his feet and pressed his head tightly against her leg. Not expecting that, Olivia almost tripped.

"I thought you were supposed to be looking out for me."

She held her hand against the side of Suvi's head and pressed it against her leg in reassurance. He stayed plastered to her side as Olivia handed the forms over.

"The doc should be out to see you soon."

"Thanks," Olivia replied.

She didn't have a chance to sit down before Dr. Sparn came into the waiting room. She walked over to Olivia and shook her hand.

"I'm Dr. Sparn."

"Olivia Benson."

"I hear you have a new dog and wanted to meet me. Is this him?"

"This is Suvi." When Dr. Sparn knelt down to let him sniff her hand Olivia immediately stepped in. "Sorry. I have to ask that you don't touch him or interact with him yet. He's a service dog. I only got him a week and a half ago, and I'm the only one that should touch him for a month."

"I see. Would you like to give him this?" she asked and held out a dog biscuit.

Olivia smiled and accepted the treat. She held it out to Suvi and told him he could have it. Suvi hesitated since he didn't usually have treats when he was working, but when Olivia assured him again that it was okay he was more than happy to accept. He munched away, dropping crumbs all over the floor. Once he'd finished the main part of the treat he leaned down to lick the dropped pieces off the ground.

"So you just came out to visit and say hello?"

"Ah, yeah. I figured it would be easier to practice in dog friendly places to start with, and I needed to come in here eventually."

"That sounds like a good idea to me."

"That's what I thought," Olivia agreed.

Olivia already liked Dr. Sparn. She was incredibly kind and had shown a great deal of enthusiasm and understanding with Suvi so far. There was no reason to be concerned about bringing Suvi in for anything, and Olivia had a feeling she would enjoy talking to Dr. Sparn each time too. It definitely had been a good choice to come here.

"Well, I look forward to working with both of you, Olivia. We've never had a service dog in before."

"It will be an experience for both of us then since I've never had a pet."

"I'm guessing that when you trained with him you were told what to do to keep him healthy, right?"

"Yes. I'm good with all of that."

"Good. Hopefully I won't see you in here again for anything but a routine check in."

"That's the plan."

Dr. Sparn held out her hand for Olivia once again, and Olivia shook it in farewell.

"Thank you for meeting with me," Olivia told her.

"My pleasure. Take care of yourself and your boy."

"I will. Come on, Suvi. Let's go."

As they walked out Olivia felt her spirits rise. They'd managed to take the subway without trouble and run an errand that counted as practice too. All in all, she considered that a good day. Her good day came to a screeching halt when Suvi stopped dead and started barking. Olivia knew what that meant but didn't know what to do. It wasn't like at home when she got a warning. Here she was in the middle of the sidewalk, and there wasn't really anywhere she could go. Did she sit against the wall and risk slamming her head against it? Did she choose the middle instead where she should be safe from both traffic and nearby buildings but would be blocking the entire sidewalk? Suvi continued barking as she tried to decide what to do. In the end it didn't matter. She didn't make up her mind in time, and the seizure hit. Everything slid sideways and she was down.

Olivia remained partially aware as her body jerked spasmodically on the ground. She absolutely hated being awake for the seizures even though it usually meant they were more minor ones. Unlike the ones before, this time she knew she had someone that cared waiting with her until the seizure ended. She could see Suvi's legs as he stood protectively over her head. No matter how out of control or alone she felt, Suvi would stay by her side. He wasn't leaving her. Simply knowing that he was there was enough to give her the strength to hold strong until the seizure was over. Olivia knew people were nearby gawking, and she could only hope they'd seen the note on Suvi's vest and hadn't called for help. Needing to deal with the paramedics was always one thing too much.

Slowly Olivia could feel the tremors decrease and control returning to her body. There was a slight burning running up the length of her left arm. The concrete had probably torn some of the skin off creating something similar to a rug burn. As Olivia pushed herself up the movement caused the pain from the scrape to flare up more. When she looked at her arm to check how much damage was done she understood why it hurt. From a little below her elbow to halfway up her upper arm was a long strip of red, torn skin. A little bit of blood was leaking out from the worst part at her elbow. Olivia sighed and made a mental note to add a small first aid kit to Suvi's vest. It certainly would have been nice to have something to wipe the blood off.

"Hey, you okay?"

Olivia glanced up at the concerned passerby as she stroked Suvi's head to let him know she was fine. New Yorkers weren't exactly known for their friendliness and concern for others. At the moment, Olivia had to wish this one cared a little bit less.

"I'm alright," she assured.

Thankfully he didn't ask any more, and the group started to dissipate. Olivia remained on the ground petting Suvi for a few minutes longer. She wasn't in a big rush to get up, and a minute or two wouldn't hurt anything.

"Alright, Suvi. Let's go home."


	30. Chapter 30 - New with Hints of Old

Chapter Thirty– New With Hints of Old

With a few short trips on the subway under her belt, Olivia felt confident that she and Suvi could make the longer trip down to the precinct without a problem. She'd had Suvi for two weeks now and still hadn't made it in to see any of her former co-workers. Waiting that long hadn't been the initial plan, and she had a lot of things to thank them for. Part of her wanted to wait until the first month was over so everyone could actually meet Suvi, but two and a half weeks was a long way away. She could thank them now, and they could interact with Suvi later.

Walking back into the precinct after everything that had happened would be difficult though. The people there knew her and knew what she'd been like before. If seeing her again wasn't a reminder, Suvi definitely would be. He was glaring proof of what had happened. That wouldn't change later though. After preparing herself for the looks she was bound to get, Olivia headed inside.

Almost immediately Olivia saw examples of how long she'd been off the force. A young officer she didn't recognize was manning the front desk. She wasn't just going to be waved through like a cop. Instead she'd be stuck getting a visitor's pass and going through security scrutiny. Just one added bonus. Of course she could flash her NYPD ID and hope that got her through, but she wasn't sure she wanted to reveal herself to someone that may only know her name. An ordinary citizen with a service dog elicited more than enough unwanted sympathy. Being a former cop with one would nearly drown her in it. Not wanting the potential look of pity, Olivia decided to avoid acknowledging that she had been NYPD and went through the process any civilian would.

"Can I help you get anywhere, ma'am?"

Olivia smiled softly and shook her head.

"No. I know where I'm going."

She slipped away quickly and headed down the same hallway she'd walked nearly every day for years. It was so much different this time though. Today she wasn't heading in for a shift or responding to a 911 from Cragen; she was coming in as a guest.

Apparently it just wasn't her day when it came to running into new cops on the job. When she pushed open the glass doors into the SVU's squad room she was immediately approached by a young male detective. She vaguely wondered how long he'd had his gold shield. From the looks of him, not very long.

"Can I help you?"

Olivia considered giving him a bit of a hard time to see how he would react to an upset victim but decided against it. She didn't need to be testing the new guy. _Her replacement_. The realization left a bitter taste in her mouth. Jeffries had come face to face with her replacement years ago when she'd still been on the job. Now Olivia knew what it had felt like. The biggest difference was that Olivia wasn't meeting him on equal grounds, detective to detective. She was meeting him as detective to (assumed) victim. How was she even supposed to respond to that?

"Ma'am?" the new detective asked worriedly as he reached out to touch her arm.

That was all the answer Olivia needed. She took a half step back and glared at him.

"Let me give you a bit of a tip. You _never_ touch a victim unexpectedly, especially when you don't know them yet. The last thing you want to do is potentially terrify them and lose their trust before you even begin."

"I… um…" he floundered for a moment until Amaro noticed and came to his rescue.

"Don't worry, Miskee. She gave me an even worse welcome when I joined the squad. She's good at giving people a hard time."

"I did not give him a hard time!" Olivia protested.

"You did a little bit, but it was good advice. Keep it in mind," Nick told Miskee before turning back to Olivia. "But he's still a new guy trying to learn the ropes, Liv."

"After over a year?"

"He's only been here a few months. My first new partner didn't work out."

Olivia sighed softly. With the way SVU could take a toll on people it wasn't uncommon for detectives to leave the unit quickly. The length of tours for everyone in the squad while Olivia had been there were surprisingly long, and the longevity had been bound to end eventually.

"This job can tear down a lot of good people," she admitted.

"It's really good to see you out and about."

"You wouldn't believe how good it feels. I have to thank all of you for that. For him."

"I'll introduce my new partner if you introduce yours."

Olivia grinned at the offer and waved Nick on.

"Be my guest."

"Olivia Benson, this is Andrew Miskee, my new partner."

Nick didn't need to explain anything to Miskee. His new partner had heard quite a bit about Olivia since he'd joined SVU. He knew all about how good she'd been at the job and the accident that had ended her career. When the donation jar had been set up to help Olivia pay for the accessories she would need for a dog, Miskee had contributed a small amount. This might have been his first time actually meeting her, but in a way he already knew her. She was nearly a legend, in both good ways and bad.

"Nice to meet you," Olivia told Miskee. She turned back to Nick and rested a hand lightly on the side of Suvi's head. "This is Vesuvius."

When he heard his name Suvi's ears pricked and he looked up at her with a wagging tail.

"Hey, look who it is."

Olivia spun around to see Fin and Rollins walking in. She smiled warmly at both of them, and Fin gave her a quick hug.

"You found someone, huh?" Fin asked.

When Marshelle had called to talk to him Fin had been worried Olivia wouldn't end up with a service dog after all. If that had happened Fin wasn't sure he'd be able to help her through it. Thankfully he hadn't had to worry about it.

"Yeah. I did."

Olivia almost felt tears in her eyes when she answered. It had been a really close call, but in the end she'd walked away with more than she had ever expected. She looked up and met each of their eyes with her own glistening ones.

"Thank you. All of you. If you hadn't pushed as hard as you had, given me all of the support you have, I wouldn't have him now. _Thank you_."

"We're just glad it worked out and that you're doin' better," Rollins told her.

"I owe that to you guys."

"Don't owe us nothin', Liv," Fin corrected.

She knew that was far from true, but there was no point in argument. They knew how much gratitude she had for them.

"Cragen and Munch are out, huh?"

"Munch is on lunch duty. The Cap'n should be here though." Fin looked around. "There he is. Hey, Cap! Look who's here."

"Olivia," Cragen said in surprise when he spotted her among the group. It was so normal to see her standing there among them even though she hadn't been in the squad room for over a year. It was like the missing piece of a loved puzzle had been found and clicked back into its rightful place. The group didn't seem quite right without her.

"Hey, Captain."

"Good to see you. You brought a friend along too."

"Mm. This is Vesuvius. Captain…"

Before she could go on Cragen held up a hand to stop her. He knew what she was going to say.

"You get yourself back on your feet and that will be good enough for me."

"I'm working on it." She nodded down at Suvi. "He's helping."

"Good. Let him keep helping you. I don't want to see you as bad off as you were. Alright?"

"Yes, sir. I better let you guys get back to work."

"Sure you don't want to do some of my paperwork while you're here?" Amaro asked.

"No thanks, Nick. I think I can live without more paperwork. You have fun."

"Thanks."

Olivia flashed him a bright smile. One thing she definitely didn't miss was the paperwork that came with the job. Even if she hadn't had more than enough paperwork to fill out thanks to her injury she wouldn't have missed it. That job was all Nick.


	31. Chapter 31 - Running Leaps

Chapter Thirty One – Running Leaps

Suvi bumped his nose against Olivia's leg and looked up at her. He could sense her unease and was gently encouraging her. If he wasn't worried why should she be? They'd been standing outside of a coffee shop Olivia had loved to stop at before work when she'd had time. Since her injury she hadn't been in. She had another three days before her self-imposed deadline, but she was trying to ignore that. A way out was not what she was looking for. Once again Suvi prodded her with his nose.

"Okay, Suvi."

Okay. She took a deep breath and pulled open the door. Suvi only twitched an ear at the jingle of the bell when the door opened and walked in placidly beside Olivia. While he didn't mind the eyes that drifted toward him when they entered, Olivia did. No one had said anything yet, but even the two women working were looking at each other and Olivia uneasily. She braced herself for a confrontation and got one.

"I'm sorry, but you can't have pets in here."

"He's a service dog," Olivia informed the worker that had come over to talk to her.

"Ah, well… alright. As long as he doesn't cause trouble."

Olivia nodded and found a place in line. Eyes still remained on her, but a few had drifted away. She tried to relax, but it wasn't easy. While she kept moving forward in line someone could become upset and send her and Suvi packing at any point. Olivia reached the head of the line and ordered her coffee. Not wanting to push her luck with staying, she had every intention of sitting outside once she got her drink. She found herself a seat at one of the outdoor tables, and Suvi settled himself on the ground next to her.

It was a nice day out, warm and sunny with a gentle breeze, and Olivia wasn't the only one who'd decided to spend the morning outside. Suvi was more than enjoying the feel of the wind in his fur. He would have been totally content to lie there all day if that was what Olivia wanted. Considering there weren't that many people watching her anymore Olivia wasn't against sticking around for a while. The only people that were actually staring at her were a mother and toddler. Technically their eyes were on Suvi and not her since the little boy was pointing and babbling away about the doggie. It was the type of attention Olivia didn't mind. Now that she had Suvi strangers spoke to her more often on the streets. The conversations were always incredibly short and focused around Suvi. At first it had been awkward, but she'd gotten used to it. A dog owner commenting on someone else's dog seemed to simply be part of the culture. The fact that Suvi was a service dog was hardly ever mentioned helped too.

Olivia was startled out of her thoughts when she spotted one of the coffee shop's employees walking out of the shop. When it was obvious she was heading toward her Olivia tensed. Suvi felt the change in his master's demeanor right away and got to his feet. Whatever was bothering Olivia, he was going to be there to support her.

"I'm sorry to bother you," the young woman told Olivia when she reached her.

"We'll go," Olivia assured, assuming she and Suvi were being asked to leave.

"Wait! That's not what I was coming over here to ask."

Olivia lowered herself back down into her chair and rested her hand on Suvi's head. They weren't being kicked out, but the conversation could still go places Olivia would really rather it didn't.

"Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you're the detective that came in all the time a year ago aren't you?"

Startled, it took Olivia a few minutes to dig through her memory before she realized that she did recognize the young woman.

"I am. I'm surprised you remember me."

"I like to get to know the regulars. Gotta say, I was kinda worried when I didn't see you for a while. I thought something bad might have happened."

"Ah…" Olivia rubbed at the back of her neck and looked down. She really didn't know how she was supposed to explain why she hadn't stopped in for so long.

"Oh gosh. Something did happen, didn't it? That's why you have him with you. Jeez. I'm really sorry, Detective."

"Thank you, but I'm not a detective anymore. It's just Olivia."

The young worker winced. She'd really messed up.

"I know I probably can't do anything to help, but I want you to know that you and your dog are always welcome here."

Olivia's jaw dropped and she had no idea what to say. Being invited to return whenever she wanted was completely unexpected. The faintest touch of a smile reached her face.

"That means a lot. Thank you."

"If anyone gives you a hard time let me or the manager know."

Olivia watched as the young woman headed back inside. As the door swung closed she smiled down at Suvi.

"Looks like we made a friend."

And they had. It would be really nice to have somewhere she could come that she didn't need to worry about disproval. Some of the other customers might not be too pleased, but she had people to back her up here. She would definitely be back.

O . o . O . o . O

With the nice weather Olivia took Suvi out to a nearby park to spend the rest of the afternoon in the sun. Since they were outside she could take his vest off is she wanted to but she wasn't sure she was comfortable doing that. When he was standing over her with a vest on during a seizure people didn't worry as much. She doubted it would be as obvious if she were holding his vest when a seizure hit. Keeping the vest on Suvi made her feel much less worried about the consequences of a seizure.

Olivia unclipped his leash and knelt down next to him.

"Take a break, but stay close."

It was a command she'd given more than once before, and Suvi knew what it meant. He trotted off, nose to the ground as he investigated the park. After circling around a little way away from Olivia he flopped down onto the grass and rolled. He squirmed around on his back before twisting back onto his feet and shaking.

Olivia snorted in amusement. Despite Suvi's attempt to shake off grass still littered his vest. He even had a few pieces clinging to the fur on his ears. His tail wagged in a near circle, and Olivia laughed. Suvi was perfectly happy covered in grass. She watched as his ears suddenly pricked and his head swiveled around. Before she could even figure out what he'd seen he shot off, flashing by her in a rush of gold like a solar flare. He was thundering toward a robin sitting in the grass. The bird didn't stay where it was for very long. Once it realized Suvi was heading right for it the robin took off in a flutter of wings. Suvi slowed to a stop and watched until he was sure the bird would stay in the tree it had retreated to. Satisfied that it would, he returned to Olivia's side, his head held up proudly.

Look, mom! I chased the bird off of our grass.

"You're such a goof, Suvi."

Suvi stuck his nose back into the grass to sniff around just as Olivia's cell phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and glanced at the screen.

"Hey, Alex."

_"Hey, Olivia. How are you doing?"_

"Alright. Suvi and I have been spending a lot of time together."

_"Suvi? Your dog?"_

"Mm."

_"You're getting along well then?"_

"Yeah, he's a good boy."

_"Are you busy tonight? Casey's free too. We were going to do dinner."_

The last time Casey and Alex had offered to do dinner Olivia had resisted. She hadn't wanted to see anyone, and she definitely hadn't felt like going anywhere. When they'd come over anyway, Olivia had been far from a good host. Now she had a chance to make up for all that.

"Why don't you both come to my place?"

The offer was far more than Alex had been hoping for. She'd honestly thought Olivia would turn them down and she'd have to convince her.

"Sure, that would be great. I wouldn't mind cooking."

Olivia hesitated a second. There wasn't a lot of food in her apartment at the moment, and she knew Alex and Casey would be more than willing to bring parts of a meal over. Still… She'd already taken Suvi into a coffee shop that day. Could she handle taking him to the grocery store too? Yes, she thought she could.

"I'll cook."

"Seriously? Olivia Benson is actually going to cook?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. She knew how to cook. The problem was she'd never had time to do it. Who wanted to stay on their feet and make a meal after countless hours on the job?

"I've got the time."

"When do you want us? We'll at least help prepare some things."

"Swing by after you're off. That should give us more than enough time."

"We'll be there. And, Liv? We'll get to see this dog of yours, right?"

"Yeah. He'll be around."

O . o . O . o . O

The grocery trip on the way back from the park had been more unnerving than Olivia had expected. She'd been stopped almost right away. If she hadn't already told Alex she would do the cooking Olivia would have left. Unless she wanted to call back and ask Alex to bring supplies Olivia would have to buck up and get groceries even if it meant a confrontation. After speaking with the manager she'd been somewhat grudgingly allowed inside. She had tried not to let it bother her too much as she picked up what she'd needed. Thankfully they'd made it back home with the groceries without further incident.

Olivia was just starting to cut up chicken and peppers for the start of fajitas when Alex and Casey arrived.

"Hey," Olivia told them when they walked in before greeting each other with a quick hug. "I hope fajitas are alright."

"Seriously, Liv, I'm so hungry right now that I would go for anything," Casey replied.

"Long day?"

"Don't get me started."

"So, where is he?" Alex asked.

"That was the real reason you wanted to meet, wasn't it? I see how it is. Has nothing to do with me."

"I did tell her not to be too obvious," Casey remarked.

All three women smiled and Olivia shook her head in amusement. She was actually rather surprised Suvi hadn't made his way over yet. Apparently guarding the food was more important than seeing who was at the door.

"Suvi!"

Olivia watched as his head slowly appeared from around the kitchen's doorway. He'd obviously spotted the newcomers but didn't see how it was necessary to investigate. Chicken required more investigation; people did not.

"Come on," she called again.

This time Suvi made his way over to join her. Olivia ran a hand over his head before looking back up at Alex and Casey.

"This is Vesuvius."

"Hey, buddy," Casey said as she knelt down to be on his level.

"Sorry, Casey. I can't let you touch him or really even interact with him at all yet."

Casey stared up at Olivia with surprise on her face.

"Seriously?" When Olivia nodded in confirmation Casey went on. "Why?"

"It's part of the rules for the first month. It strengthens the bond between dog and master, I guess. Plus, if I'm the only one handling him he knows this isn't training anymore. This is the real thing, what he's worked so hard his entire life for."

"I guess that makes sense," Alex replied. "And he won't bother us when we're cooking?"

"Not really. He watches, _closely_, but that's it. Well, besides giving you big, watery puppy dog eyes. You'll learn how to ignore them."

"Perfect. Let's get cooking."

They set about making dinner and chatting. Once everything was ready Olivia fed Suvi, and they all sat down to eat. Not only was the food fantastic, but Olivia had to admit it was the best evening she'd had in a long time. They didn't discuss her accident or how she was doing. Instead the conversation felt like old times. They laughed, teased each other, and talked about anything and everything they felt like. She really enjoyed it. Casey and Alex were having a great time too, and they were incredibly happy to see Olivia doing so well. None of them wanted the evening to end, and Olivia was perfectly okay with that. While they didn't have to leave, they did need to get up from the table. The dishes could wait, but Suvi needed to go for his walk. Olivia preferred to do that while it was still light out. Former detective living in a decent neighborhood or not, she didn't want to take unnecessary risks.

"I've got to take Suvi out for a walk. Do you guys want to come?"

"Sure, count us in," Casey told her.

At the first mention of the word walk Suvi's ears had pricked and he'd watched Olivia intently. When she stood, it became obvious to him that they really were going on a walk. He rocketed to his feet and raced around the apartment.

"We're going. We're going," Olivia assured.

She took his leash, leaving his vest since Casey and Alex would be with her, and stood by the door. While she called him, Suvi ignored the request. He darted to her side and raced away again.

"Hey, Suvi!" Olivia called out again, this time a little more exasperated.

Suvi stopped and looked up at her, but Olivia could tell he wasn't about to simply walk over to her. He still wanted to mess around. The fact that Casey and Alex were watching meant little to him.

"Vesuvius. Come here and sit."

He scampered to her side and looked up at her again.

"Sit," Olivia demanded. She could easily slip the leash on him while he was standing, but there was no way she could let him get away with disobedience. He _was_ going to do what she wanted him to do.

Suvi dropped his butt onto the ground, but his enthusiasm was more than visible. His tail was busy sweeping across the floor as Olivia snapped the leash to his collar. She had just attached the leash when the world suddenly melted like a Dali painting. For five or ten seconds she lost complete awareness. When she didn't stand up Casey and Alex knew something was wrong. It didn't look like a seizure to them, but neither one had any idea what else it could be.

"Olivia?" Alex asked as she rested a hand on her friend's shoulder.

When the seizure passed Olivia blinked and looked up at Alex.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah? That's it? What just happened?"

Olivia had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Yes, her vision had gone funky for a second, but she was still kneeling down in the same position she had been before that had happened. As far as she knew nothing had occurred beyond that minor blip in her sight. She definitely hadn't found herself on the floor. Seeing Olivia's expression of pure confusion, Casey stepped in to explain.

"Liv, you checked out for a little bit there."

"I did?"

"Yeah."

"Huh."

It was something else to look out for and maybe talk to her doctor about the next time she went in too. She looked down at Suvi and found him watching her happily and wagging his tail. Apparently whatever had happened hadn't bothered him. He just wanted to go for his walk. Taking a hint from Suvi, Olivia stood and lead them all out the door. She could deal with this new twist in her condition later.


	32. Chapter 32 - Downfall

Chapter Thirty Two – Downfall

It had been a less than stellar week, and surprisingly that had nothing to do with her seizures. Those had been cooperating (and as an added bonus her doctor had explained that her sudden loss of awareness before wasn't a big deal as it had only happened once). A certain someone else hadn't been. The honeymoon period was obviously over. When Suvi was officially on the job Olivia had nothing to worry about. He was calm and obedient in public, the ideal picture of a service dog. The times when he wasn't working were a completely different story. The games he'd played before leaving for their walk with Alex and Casey early in the week had only gotten worse. Now Suvi would force Olivia to nearly chase him around her apartment before they left. The daily game of tag was exhausting. When he wasn't making mischief on the way out the door Suvi was contenting himself with Olivia's laundry. The socks were by far his favorite. Olivia wouldn't have minded sharing a pair with him, but the joy seemed to come more from pulling them out of her laundry basket and spreading them all over than simply playing with them. She'd tried telling him to stop, but it hadn't gotten her much. He would drop whatever he was holding at her first request but the problem was it never stopped him from picking something else later. Olivia was tired of cleaning everything up over and over again. Suvi's misbehavior at home was making her second guess the entire idea of having a service dog. She was really beginning to wonder if it actually was worth it. For all of the help he gave her outside of her apartment, she wasn't quite sure the reduced stress from that was more than the increased stress from his home behavior. She was doing a lot more work at home than was necessary, and the frustration was weighing on her.

To make matters worse, word had gotten around the apartment complex that Olivia had a dog. Her neighbors had begun showing up at her door and harassing her. After the first few times she'd resorted to simply ignoring the knocks and calls on her land line. She couldn't deal with the complaints forever though and had eventually called her super. Thankfully he'd had her back. Notices had gone out the next day informing residents that Olivia's dog was a service animal and therefore was allowed in the building. Harassment wouldn't be tolerated. Olivia knew she'd gotten extremely lucky with her super, but it certainly didn't feel that way when she was cornered in the hallway later.

"So you're the one that thinks you can get away with having a dog, huh?"

She turned to look at the man that had spoken and pulled her cop face on. He didn't need to know this was rattling her. While she might have convinced him, she hadn't hidden the truth from Suvi. He knew she was upset and tipped his head up so it touched her hand. The moment his head made contact she twined her fingers into his fur.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Think you're special?"

"Special?" He was kidding right? Having an injury serious enough to require a service dog didn't make her special in any way.

"Getting to keep a dog in a pet free building despite everyone's protests."

"Legally I'm allowed to."

"That's a bunch of crap."

"That's the _law_."

Olivia wasn't willing to put up with this anymore. If he wanted to keep going at her like that he'd have to follow her to do it. Normally Olivia wouldn't have even considered walking away from a confrontation without getting in a solid word. Without any real power, it would be a hard battle, and she didn't feel up to it. Leaving was the best option.

By the next day Olivia gave in and called Marshelle Braxton. She was at the end of her rope. Everything that she'd thought she'd gained back was unraveling in front of her. She wasn't sure any of this would work anymore.

Marshelle was used to new graduates questioning the decision to get a service dog after they had one. It was normal. Olivia was obviously distraught and having a hard time, and Marshelle needed to figure out what was actually happening. It took a lot of questions before she got a clear picture of what was going on.

"I just don't know if this is going to work," Olivia said softly.

_"Olivia, I need you to calm down, okay? He's still listening well when he's working? No problems there?"_

"No. Once I catch him and get his vest on he's great."

It was just everything before that that was a problem.

_"Is he getting enough activity? Going for walks, playing with him?"_

"I think so. We do at least two walks each day, and when I'm feeling alright we spend time at the park. Does that sound like enough?"

_"More than. Based on what you've said I don't think this is permanent. It sounds more like he's starting to feel comfortable with you and is trying to test your boundaries. Be firm and don't show your frustration. The more worked up you get the more he'll play games with you. Remind him who is in charge. Does that make sense?"_

"Yes."

_"You might also want to consider coming up with something different to do together when he isn't working. Enjoy yourselves. Make sure you have some fun together."_

It sounded reasonable to her, though she and Suvi really were spending almost every minute together and it wasn't all for work.

"We already do a lot of that, but I'll see what I can come up with."

_"Good. Let me know how things are going in a week or two."_

Hopefully by that point the limits would be set and Suvi would be back to the dog he'd been at the end of the training session. If not, she'd figure out what to do then. Marshelle desperately wished she wouldn't even need to worry about it though. Seeing Suvi fail after everything he'd been through and all of the improvements he'd made with Olivia would be painful. What was more, if Suvi didn't work out Marshelle was positive Olivia would be in pain too. They could try another dog, but with how many she'd already been through Marshelle wasn't sure Olivia would want to try. It would be a major blow for everyone.

"I will. Thank you."

"Any time, Olivia."

Olivia hung up the phone and looked down at Suvi with a sigh.

"What am I supposed to do with you, huh?"

Suvi didn't like the sad, quiet tone she'd used. He whined softly and rested his head on her lap. Olivia stroked his velvety ears. He really was a good boy, but was he worth the extra work and trouble? The trouble, no, but the work? Maybe. The bigger question of the moment was what kind of fun activity they could do together that would lessen Suvi's desire to cause trouble. She had absolutely no idea. Being firm without showing frustration she could absolutely do right away. It was the fun, creative idea that would cause problems. Creativity wasn't exactly one of Olivia's strong points unless interrogation strategies counted. She really didn't think that they did.


	33. Chapter 33 - What was I Thinking?

Chapter Thirty Three – What Was I Thinking?

It was Tuesday. Olivia really should have been considering going to the epilepsy support group she'd been referred to, but there really wasn't much question on her decision. After the first time when Fin had needed to almost physically drag her back in Olivia had returned a few times. It hadn't been anywhere near enough to count as consistently, but she had gone. That was all before Suvi though. Then she might have tried to convince herself to go, but going wasn't really a possibility now. Bringing Suvi into a group of people that were suffering similarly to the way she was seemed wrong. She didn't want to be rubbing it in their faces that she had a service dog that could help her with the seizures. Simply having Suvi with her could cause some discord in the group, and that wasn't what she wanted at all.

What was more, Olivia didn't want the group to think she'd gotten a dog simply because she was an ex-cop and had been given special treatment. If Olivia were able to deny the accusation it might not cause as much resentment, but she couldn't. The truth of the matter was she had gotten special treatment. Being a cop had greatly shortened her waiting period. There was a good chance it had even been the reason she'd been considered for the program in the first place.

No, the benefits of going definitely did not outweigh the risks. She and Suvi would stay home and enjoy themselves. For the past week she'd been playing a new game with him. She would show him one of his toys or a sock ball she'd designated as his and hide it under the blanket or empty laundry basket. At a cue to start he would bound over to either one and find a way to dig his toy out. When she used the blanket Suvi would scurry his way under and normally scoot back out the way he'd come. Sometimes he went under too far and got caught completely underneath the blanket. It never seemed to bother him, and he'd prance around with his toy, shaking it as he went. When that happened Olivia wound up with a ghost dog until Suvi found a way to get himself out or he tripped enough times that she took pity on him.

Olivia got similar amusement from him when she hid his toys under the basket. Not only did he have a strange fascination with playing with the laundry in it, he enjoyed playing with the basket alone just as much. Playing under it wasn't a problem either. Suvi's problem with the basket didn't happen nearly as often as the blanket, but every once in a while when he tried to pull a toy out he wound up with the basket stuck over his head. He'd mess around with it on for a little bit before resting his front legs on the ground, dropping his head, and wiggling until the basket came off.

Eventually Olivia was hoping she could hide his toys without showing him where they were hidden. She didn't think he was quite ready for that yet. Maybe she could hide it under both though. It was definitely worth a shot. She gathered up the laundry basket, blanket, and one of his toys before returning to the living room.

"You want to play, Suvi?"

He didn't need to be asked twice. After lying down nearby he watched her with a tail going a mile a minute. Oh yes, he wanted to play. Olivia grinned and slipped the ball under the wadded up blanket. Then she dropped the laundry basket upside down on top. Normally she would show him the ball and where it was hidden, but she figured it was a good first step toward him finding the toys on his own.

"Ready?" His butt came slightly off the floor in anticipation. "Go!"

Once again he didn't need to be told a second time. He bounded forward at such speed Olivia was worried he would slam right into the basket. Somehow he managed to stop before he hit it and immediately he dropped down to work at lifting the basket. He shoved his nose down and tried to pop the edge up. Each time he tried he shoved his paw forward so he could get it between the bottom and the floor. It took him a few tries before he managed to do it. With the edge lifted a bit Suvi could thrust his nose under and flip the basket over. One part down, one more to go. He dove on top and started digging around. Once he had the blanket relatively flattened out he started working at getting to his toy.

Simply pulling the blanket would have revealed his toy easily enough, but it wasn't anywhere near as fun. He shoved his nose under the edge and started squirming his way under. Soon enough Olivia only saw his tail sticking out. She could spot the lump in the blanket from his toy a short distance away from him. It shouldn't take him too long to find it. The second he found the toy he grabbed it and spun around to barrel toward her. He tossed his head a few times on the way which flipped the blanket back past his eyes. Now able to see, he changed course slightly so he could rub up along her leg.

"Good boy," Olivia laughed.

He dropped the ball in front of Olivia in a very clear hint that he was ready to play again. Olivia was happy to do so. They spent the rest of the morning searching for toys and doing a bit of rough housing. By the time lunch rolled around Olivia was exhausted. She made herself a quick sandwich and settled down on the couch to eat. Suvi sprawled out on the cooler tile of the entryway.

Later that day Olivia wondered how she could have questioned whether keeping Suvi after he started behaving was a good idea. He'd begun listening off the job soon after their new game had started, and she'd told Marshelle as much yesterday. She definitely wouldn't have made it through the afternoon as well without him.

It had been a really good decision for her to choose not to attend the support group. About twenty minutes after she would have left in order to arrive on time her first seizure had struck. Suvi had warned her of the impending seizure, so she'd been ready. What she hadn't been ready for were all of the seizures that had followed. They weren't close enough together for her to consider going to the hospital, but they did have a major impact. By the second one in an hour Olivia was nervous and a little nauseous. Suvi whined softly and nudged at her elbow to get up when she made no move to do so. She grabbed onto his collar, and he pulled her into a sitting position. He'd learned some time ago that when she grabbed his collar when she was lying down she wanted him to help her up. When Olivia was all the way up the nausea and dizziness kicked in a bit harder.

"Let's lie back down, Suvi," she groaned.

Slowly she lowered herself back down onto the ground. Suvi looked at her in confusion. Why had she asked him to help her up if she was just going to lie back down again? It made absolutely no sense. He wandered away to find his own spot to lie down in, preferably one with some sunshine, but made sure he stayed close enough that he could keep an eye on Olivia. Just because she was being a little weird didn't mean he could abandon her completely.

As the third seizure of the day ripped through her Suvi looked on worriedly. He'd never seen her have so many seizures in one day. It scared him even though she was waking up from all of them. He wasn't completely sure what to do, but there was one thing he had no doubt of. The rest of the day he wouldn't be leaving her side for anything less than getting help. When the shaking finally stopped Suvi nuzzled at her hand and licked her fingers. Much to his relief, she woke up right away and rubbed his face.

"I'm okay, buddy," she told him weakly.

Suvi hunkered down next to her and scooted closer so his body was pressed up against hers. Olivia hadn't been expecting that. He'd lain down beside her more than once since his first time at the training center, but he'd never pressed up against her like this. It was even more comforting to feel the heat of his body, the weight of him. She rubbed his back and then dropped her arm around him. Suvi tipped his head and licked her chin in return.

They stayed together like that for hours, lying on the floor as the seizures came and went. Suvi never moved from her side. Throughout the hours he changed position slightly, curled up against her, resting his head on top of her body, licking at her fingers, but he'd never left. He was there when each one started, and she could still feel his body against hers or see his legs as he stood guard over her when she came around after each one. A solid presence there during her worst moments. How could she have thought about living without him? This moment alone made all of the hassles of owning a dog worth it.

"I love you, Vesuvius," Olivia told him as she buried her face into his fur.

He wouldn't be going anywhere. No way.


	34. Chapter 34 - Fires Deep Down

Chapter Thirty Four – Fires Deep Down

Olivia was really not in the mood to cook lunch. She'd dug through her cabinets and fridge for something simple but hadn't found anything appealing. Going out sounded like a much better option. It wasn't too hot for a long walk, and she and Suvi could use to stretch their legs. She clipped Suvi's vest on, snapped on his leash, and headed out. As she was about to leave the building a couple and their young daughter walked in. Olivia stepped away from the door and nodded slightly to them. Once they passed by Olivia headed for the door only to be stopped dead in her tracks moments later.

"Hey. Hey!"

Since she was the only one around aside from the family that had just walked in and called out, Olivia had to assume they were talking to her. She braced herself for what she could only assume would be a confrontation and turned to face the family.

"You're the woman with the service dog?"

It was a pretty stupid question in Olivia's opinion considering Suvi was standing beside her in a very evident service dog vest. She nodded though and waited to see what they wanted. He didn't look furious, but that didn't mean much.

"I'm Austin Treach. This is my wife, Monica. I know some of the people here have been giving you a hard time. We just want to let you know that you have our support."

Wait, what? That was definitely not what she'd been expecting. Anger tended to be a far more common reaction that support. She didn't get a chance to thank him before she was surprised again, this time by his young daughter.

"You shouldn't be mean to someone just because they're different. It's wrong."

Olivia smiled down at the little girl.

"That's right, sweetheart."

"Daddy says if you see someone people are being mean to you should be extra nice to them to make up for it."

Her face softened and Olivia knelt down to be more on level with the little girl that had just made her day. She wouldn't have expected an adult to say what she had. For a child to say it was amazing.

"That's a very good idea. Would you like to come over and say hello?"

She glanced up at her mom and dad for permission. Receiving a nod, she hurried over.

"I'm Emma. What's his name?"

"Suvi."

Olivia rubbed at his head and gave him permission to take a break and say hello. As Emma stood petting Suvi's head her parents came over to talk to Olivia.

"My younger brother has a disability," Austin explained. "So we know how much words can hurt. We're trying to teach our daughter that."

"It looks like you're doing a really good job."

"If there's anything you ever need," Monica told her.

"I should be fine, but thank you."

"We've got to go, but maybe we'll run into you again. Say bye, Emma. We have to leave."

"Bye Suvi! Bye! Thank you!"

Olivia waved goodbye before turning back to her dog.

"Come on, Suvi. Time to work."

And time to get some food.

The eateries in the area didn't hold much appeal, so Olivia decided to venture further out.

They wandered down the street enjoying the day and looking for somewhere to eat for around forty minutes. A small café and deli advertising hummus caught Olivia's attention and she decided to stop. Aside from the hummus there was a nice seating area outside on the sidewalk. Whenever she had a chance to sit outside at an eatery she took it since staying outside made people less likely to be upset with her. She ordered herself a hummus sampler plate and iced tea before finding herself a table. Olivia took her time eating and allowed Suvi to take a nice break after all the walking they'd done. He didn't seem all that tired though. While he was lying down at her feet, his head was raised and alert. Instead of resting he was busy watching all of the people that walked by. Olivia was amusing herself more with watching his response to people than with watching the actual people.

When Olivia had finished her meal and thrown her trash out she decided to stop in at the book shop down the way that she'd noticed when they'd been eating. Since her injury had prevented her from working Olivia had had a lot more time to read. It had almost been too much time. Now that she had Suvi and more to do during the day a lot of that lost interest had returned. Having a new book to read would be nice.

Olivia wandered down to the shop and stepped in. She had only just started to look through the books when the owner spotted Suvi at her side. Her pleasant day so far was about to end. The owner marched right up to Olivia, his face contorted in fury that she would dare to bring an animal into his shop.

"You need to leave. Dogs aren't allowed in here."

Olivia was caught slightly off guard by the level of his hostility. Normally when people asked her to leave they weren't quite this angry. They weren't always polite, but it had never been this bad.

"He's a service dog."

"I don't care what he is. You take him out of here right now."

"Legally I'm allowed to have him here."

"You'll leave right now or I'll call the cops."

She drew back, startled. Whether it was the law or not, it didn't look like he was going to let her stay. Not wanting to get into a fight over something that wasn't necessary, Olivia headed for the door. Once she stepped out the door she paused.

What was she doing? Was she really going to turn tail and run simply because she didn't need the book? Because some opinionated prick wanted her to? What about what she wanted? More importantly, what about her rights? She had a right to be there, with or without Suvi.

Olivia turned around and walked right back in. This time she had a few more minutes to wait until the owner noticed her since his back was turned. She lingered near the books by the door, waiting more than looking. It didn't take long.

"I thought I told you to leave!"

"You did, but the law says I'm allowed to be here."

"Get out!"

Suvi pressed up against Olivia's leg, and she rested her hand on the side of his head. She hadn't been sure how he would react to the raised voices. Normally he pressed up against her like this or pushed his head into her hand, but it was more to support her. Whenever he thought she was uneasy he was there. This time was different though. There was a major argument going on that was only going to get more heated. He didn't seem bothered yet, but that could change. If it did she'd calm him, but she wasn't backing down. Let the owner get in her face. She had dealt with far worse people that tried the same. He couldn't scare her. This time she wasn't walking away.

"No."

"Out! Out!" he snapped at her. When she still didn't move he lunged forward and shoved her back.

Olivia stumbled backward in shock. Suvi darted in between her and the irate owner and growled softly. The growl kickstarted Olivia's brain, and she reached down to soothe her protective dog.

"Hush, Suvi."

"I'm calling the cops!"

"Go ahead. I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia leaned against the wall to wait for the police to arrive. The shop owner stood a few feet away the entire time with his arms crossed over his chest, glaring at her. Instead of letting him bother her, Olivia spent the time deciding whether she should identify herself to the cops that showed up. Probably not. She didn't want the owner thinking she should be allowed in simply because she used to be a cop. Unless it was necessary, that would remain secret.

At the sound of the door opening Olivia glanced over and saw two officers walk in. The owner immediately rushed over to talk to them and began gesturing frantically with his arms while he explained what had happened. Olivia stayed where she was. They could come to her if it got that far.

"Ma'am," the younger of the pair said as he came up to her. "Your dog is a service dog?"

"Yes."

She leaned down to dig through Suvi's vest. When she found the certification card she held it out to the officer. He looked at it and nodded.

"He is a service dog," the officer explained, "but even if she didn't have proof of that you still are required to let her in."

"That's crap!"

"That's the law," the officer that hadn't spoken to Olivia informed the owner.

"She tried to sic her dog on me!"

"Excuse me?" Olivia replied. He couldn't be serious. "He growled, _softly_, because you shoved me. I quieted him down right away."

"He tried to kill me!"

Olivia used every ounce of self-control to keep from rolling her eyes.

The two officers looked at each other unsurely. There were accusations on both sides now, and they were more serious than the initial one.

"Why don't we go down to the precinct and discuss this?"

The chance of cops at a precinct recognizing Olivia was far greater than with just two. She didn't want that to happen, but she also couldn't back down. Doing so would make her seem guilty, and she wasn't. Thankfully she had another option.

"Check the security footage." She nodded toward the camera mounted on the wall above the check out. Most people wouldn't have noticed, but she'd been trained to. Considering his personality she'd expected him to have one, and there had been more than enough time during the wait for the cops to see it.

The store owner immediately froze. Olivia lifted an eyebrow. Exactly like she'd expected. He wouldn't let them look at the footage since it would confirm Olivia's story.

"Sir?"

"Never mind," the owner replied quickly.

Again the officers looked at each other. They knew what that reply likely meant. He had been making things up simply because he didn't want someone with a service dog in his store.

"Ma'am? Do you want to press charges?"

"What?!" the store owner screeched.

"No. It's fine," Olivia returned. It wasn't worth the paperwork or the hassle for a little shove.

"Are you staying?" When Olivia nodded the officer continued. "Would you like us to stay?"

She eyed the owner for a moment and then shook her head.

"No. I'll be fine."

After everything had settled down Olivia began browsing the store. She had no intention of buying anything though. Sticking around was just to prove a point. He couldn't kick people out simply because he didn't like them. She wasn't going to walk away after all the trouble she'd gone through to stay. His eyes stayed on her the entire time, but she didn't care. Right before she left she turned back to face him. He was still glaring daggers at her. Olivia gave him a curt nod of her head and left. She wouldn't be coming back. As she headed toward home Olivia couldn't help smiling. The experience had been empowering. She felt more like herself again.

Before she returned home Olivia stopped by her neighbor's apartment. Denise had really saved her after the accident. She'd been bringing Olivia groceries once a week ever since. Now Olivia finally thought she was ready to handle that on her own. She knocked and waited until the door opened.

"Olivia! It's so good to see you up and around."

"Thanks. It's really nice to be able to leave the apartment."

"I'm sure it is. You look so much better."

"Yeah. I'm doing well enough to handle things on my own now. I wanted to thank you for getting my groceries."

"Oh, of course. I was glad to."

"If there's anything I can do to thank you."

Denise waved Olivia's offer away. She hadn't helped Olivia for what she would get in return.

"I don't want anything. You just stop by every now and again so I know you're doing okay."

A smile flashed across Olivia's face.

"I think I can do that."

She would definitely make sure that she did, and next time she went out she'd be picking up a thank you card for Denise as well.


	35. Chapter 35 - Well Made Plans

Chapter Thirty Five – Well Made Plans

"Rollins."

At first no one in the squad room looked up, not even her partner. A phone call wasn't anything interesting.

"Hey, Olivia."

Now that was interesting. One word was all that was needed to catch the attention of everyone else nearby. Both Fin and Amaro locked on to Amanda.

"It's Liv?" Amaro asked.

"She good?" Fin added.

"What's she need?"

"Hold on a second, okay? The guys are bein' a pain," Amanda told Olivia as she stood from her desk and moved away.

"Hey! Rollins, what the hell?" Amaro protested.

"Amanda! Where you goin'?"

She ignored both of them and hurried to the crib where she could have the peace and quiet she needed. After pushing through the door she shoved it closed with her heel and dropped down on a cot.

"Sorry. I'm good now. Go ahead."

_"They were that bad, huh?"_

"Worse. Like hawks eyin' prey the second they heard your name."

_"Figures. They can definitely be over protective sometimes."_

"Sometimes?"

Olivia snorted out a laugh on the other side of the line, and Amanda smiled.

"So what's goin' on?"

_"I was hoping I could steal some of your free time."_

"Oh yeah?"

_"Mm. Suvi could use a friend to play with every so often."_

Amanda grinned. Spending an afternoon with her dog, Olivia, and Suvi sounded perfect to her. The only question was finding the time to do it.

"When? Where?"

_"I thought we could go to Central Park. I don't know if you want to walk down together or meet there."_

"Ya read my mind. I'll bring a Frisbee with me. See if Suvi can keep up."

That made Olivia laugh out loud. The sound sent warmth flooding through Amanda. Olivia had never really been one to laugh, and the likelihood of hearing that wonderful sound had died even further after her forced retirement. Apparently having Suvi really had helped her.

"I'm off this weekend. How 'bout I meet you at the park on Saturday? Noon sound okay?"

_"Perfect. We'll be there."_

"Hey, Liv?"

_"Hm?"_

"I'm glad you called."

_"You might be taking that back when Suvi dominates Saturday."_

"You wish. See you then."

O . o . O . o . O

Olivia hung up the phone and turned to Suvi.

"What do you think, buddy? You wanna spend time with Amanda and her dog at the park this weekend?"

Suvi may not have known all of those words, but he did know one important one. That one was all that mattered. _Park._ His ears pricked and his tail started twitching. Were they going now? Please be now.

"I'll take that as a yes."

He raced toward the door and stood there wagging his tail at her. Olivia hadn't exactly meant now, but how could she deny him when he was that excited? She couldn't. There were a few more things she wanted to get done, but they could wait. Even though taking Suvi for a walk should still allow enough time to get everything else accomplished, if she ran out of time it was okay. She could always finish up tomorrow.

"Alright. Let's go."

Olivia slipped Suvi's vest on even though she had no intention of stopping anywhere she would truly need it. Having the vest was just easier. She didn't need to worry about bringing her medications or medical information. That was a bonus on top of the fact that his vest was far more visible to people wanting to call an ambulance than her medical bracelet was.

When Olivia stepped out of her apartment building she wondered whether they should head back inside. There was quite a bit of wind and the sky was dark. It wasn't the deep grey she'd associate with a storm yet, but it could get there. She'd just have to make this walk quick.

Unfortunately quick wasn't quite quick enough. Fifteen minutes later the sky had opened up and Olivia was running back toward her apartment with Suvi in tow. She really did feel like she was towing him too. While she didn't want to end up being a drowned rat, Suvi was totally game to be just that. He was making it a point to splash through every puddle he could find. Whenever he found a bit of slack in the leash he would stop and tip his head up to the sky with his mouth hanging open. If he didn't get a chance he resorted to running that way. Olivia should have suspected that Suvi would love the rain considering how much fun he had in the tub when she had to give him a bath.

She sighed and slowed to a walk. It was ridiculous to keep running. She was already completely drenched and really couldn't get any wetter. Suvi slowed as well and took the opportunity to prance around in the rain. Olivia sighed and looked down at him with a shake of her head.

"I'm totally soaked thanks to you, know that?"

He tipped his head happily toward her. His fur was plastered to his body and darkened to the color of wet sand. Suvi shook himself, splattering Olivia with droplets of water.

"Hey!"

Olivia glanced over at an unrepentant Suvi. He was enjoying this way too much. Something needed to be done about that. When Olivia spotted a small puddle ahead she had her answer for what should be done. The second they were within range Olivia skidded her foot across the ground sending a wave of water splashing upward at Suvi. He yipped and danced away before racing back to her and jumping up to plant two paws on her hip. Olivia laughed softly and rubbed his soaked fur. People watching probably thought she was insane, but Olivia didn't mind. As insane as standing out in the middle of a downpour to play with her dog was, Olivia was actually enjoying herself. The only problem was she was starting to get cold. It was time to get home and dry off.

They ran back to the apartment building and slipped inside out of the rain. The lobby was empty except for the super.

"Looking good there."

Olivia rolled her eyes and reached behind her head to gather her hair and wring it out. It wouldn't really do much good, but at least she wouldn't have drops of icy water dripping down her neck. Suvi was about to do the same thing in a slightly different way. If he shook off it would make a really big mess.

"No. Sit."

He did, and Olivia looked up at her super apologetically.

"I'll get him dried off upstairs."

"Let me get you a towel instead. It will save me some clean up."

"Thanks."

After rubbing Suvi down and drying him off as much as possible she returned the towel and headed to her apartment. A warm shower was definitely in order. So were clean clothes and maybe a cup of hot tea. She settled Suvi down with some dry towels and started working at getting herself dry. Once the warmth seeped into her thanks to the warm water of her shower she changed and dried her hair. A quick glance at Suvi revealed he was curled up in a ball on the towels and almost asleep. She rested a hand lightly on this back and found that he was at least a little drier. His eyes flickered open and watched her.

"Go back to sleep," she told him after she'd tucked a towel tighter around him.

While he took a nap she would have a cup of tea and start on her chores.


	36. Chapter 36 - A Romp in the Park

Chapter Thirty Six – A Romp in the Park

By the time Saturday rolled around the rain was gone, and the summer heat had dried out the ground. Olivia was rather grateful for that. She had arrived before Amanda since Suvi was allowed on public transportation and had taken up residence on the grass. While she waited Suvi sniffed around at the grass nearby. She'd brought a small bag with her containing water, a plastic bowl for Suvi, and a ball. It would be somewhere to put his vest once Amanda arrived too. Eventually she was going to need to find something better for when they took a break and didn't need the vest. With everything else she'd wanted to bring today the larger back worked well though.

Olivia's phone rang, and she fished it out of her pocket. She assumed it was Amanda checking to see if she'd arrived and if so, where she was. A quick glance at her caller ID before she answered confirmed it.

"Hey, Amanda."

_"You there yet?"_

"Yeah. Right around where we said on the grass near the path."

_"We just got here. Should be able to find you pretty quick. At least I hope so."_

"I'll let you know if I see you."

_"This place never makes it easy to find anyone,"_ Amanda complained.

"Nope," Olivia laughed, "and don't expect it to ever start."

It took Amanda a little over five minutes to track down where Olivia was. When she spotted her friend she hung up and jogged over. Olivia stood and placed a steadying hand on Suvi's neck. She honestly didn't think he would have any problem with Amanda's dog, Frannie, but she could feel the excitement radiating from him and wanted to be safe. From the looks of Frannie's tongue lolling out of her mouth she was just as excited. It could have been excitement about seeing Suvi or simply being outside. Amanda was about to say hello when Frannie lunged forward enthusiastically.

"I guess dog introductions come before ours."

Olivia grinned.

"Seems that way."

As Amanda led a well restrained Frannie over Olivia took her hand off Suvi's head in a sign that he could leave her side. It was all he needed to walk forward curiously. The two dogs sniffed each other hesitantly at first; then tails began to wag. Soon enough the wagging tails became circling around each other and near wrestling.

"I would say we don't have to worry about them getting along anymore," Olivia said.

"Nope. They're pretty fast friends."

They had to work at getting the two dogs untangled in order to unclip leashes and take Suvi's vest off. Once that was done they decided to let Suvi and Frannie play for a while before they broke out balls or Frisbees. Both dogs immediately started running around, rolling, and jumping on top of each other. Olivia and Amanda sat in silence, watching them. Their play was rather cute and incredibly amusing. Eventually Amanda turned her attention away from the dogs and onto Olivia.

"The two of you look like you're doin' really well."

"Mm. We have been. He's amazing."

"I bet."

"I honestly don't know how I lived without him."

In reality she really hadn't. What she'd been doing before Suvi could hardly be called living. It had been more like existing. She'd been alive by the most basic definition of the word, yes, but that was about all it had been. With Suvi she was doing so much more. He was definitely the door she had needed to escape the endless dark loop she'd been walking through.

"You can't imagine how thankful we were when we realized he really was helpin'."

"Yes I can because I was just as grateful for you guys. Maybe even more. You all started this. Without you and him I'm not sure where I would be." She paused for a moment before adding with a smile and glittering eyes, "Well, besides a bit drier."

"Drier?" Amanda asked with a furrowed brow.

"Suvi likes playing in the rain."

"Please don't tell me you got… You did, didn't you?"

She'd been going to ask if Olivia had gotten stuck out in the sudden storm a few days ago, but the look on Olivia's face had given her the answer before she'd even needed to ask.

"You have no idea how badly," Olivia replied wryly.

"You must have been…"

"Soaked? Oh yes. All the way through from head to toe."

Amanda started laughing at the picture that created in her mind, and Olivia couldn't help joining in. It was rather funny. Amanda was the first one to pull herself back together again and get up.

"Come on. We have games to play, and we gotta figure out who's better at 'em."

Olivia snorted.

"Alright, but I guarantee it'll be Suvi."

"Don't be so sure."

They both called to their dogs and the challenge began. Time after time the ball went flying with Suvi and Frannie both vying to be first. It became so competitive that the dog that lost would try to rip the ball out of the other's mouth on the way to return it. When both dogs were starting to breathe hard Amanda and Olivia decided it was time for a break. While Frannie and Suvi were completely willing to keep going, they really needed a rest and some water instead. Leashes were clipped back on and they went off in search of a drink.

It didn't take long to reach the bathrooms and fill up the bowl Olivia had brought. The moment they set it down both dogs dropped their noses in for a drink. They slurped down the water and began spinning the bowl around to try and get every last drop of moisture. Amanda had to slip her hand between them and steal the bowl so she could refill it. No sooner than she got it back down Suvi and Frannie were nose deep again.

After their water break they returned to their game, only this time with a Frisbee. At first Suvi had a hard time figuring out how to lift the Frisbee, but like with his training, he was a quick learner. A few times watching Frannie was all he needed. Instead of fighting for the toy on the way back like before, this time they could both hold the Frisbee. Most of the time they raced back to Olivia and Amanda with the Frisbee shared between them. Every once in a while they'd wind up in a tug of war instead.

Halfway through one of them Suvi suddenly let go, sending Frannie sprawling. He raced back toward Olivia, barking the entire way. Olivai knew exactly what that meant and didn't hesitate to sit down. The seizure ripped through Olivia's side a few moments later. She tried to keep herself upright with her good arm but couldn't quite manage and slumped to the ground. Thankfully the seizure was short lived. When it was over Olivia stayed down and let Suvi rest his head on her chest. She still felt a little uneasy and shaky.

"You okay, Liv?"

"Yeah. Just give me a minute."

Olivia waited until she felt less unsteady before she had Suvi help her sit up.

"I think I'm going to stay sitting for a bit."

"Probably a good idea after that," Amanda confirmed. She sat down next to Olivia and called for Frannie. As much as her dog may want to play still, it was obvious that Suvi wouldn't be leaving Olivia's side. The game wasn't anywhere near as much fun alone, so Frannie made her way over to Amanda and sat down. Amanda watched Olivia gently stroke Suvi's fur and stare off into the distance for a long time. "I can't even imagine how hard this has to be for you. How painful."

"You can. At least in a way. The seizures aren't really the worst part anymore. It's some of the people I'm dealing with instead."

"What do you mean?"

"You know how we always wondered how the perps we dealt with could hurt women for no good reason? How they could make someone else feel so terrible about themselves? How much it would hurt the women that had to suffer through it?" Olivia shook her head sadly. "The reason isn't exactly the same, but the pain is. Not everyone is as supportive as all of you have been. I've gotten some of that hatred directed toward me."

"Liv…"

Amanda rested her hand lightly on Olivia's arm and received a tiny smile in return.

"It's okay. It's not really me I feel bad for. I can deal with it."

"Olivia, I…"

"Come on. Let's go for a walk. We didn't come here to discuss things like this."

This whole outing was meant to be fun, and Olivia didn't want to ruin it. If she really wanted to mope she could do it when she was alone. They spent the next hour wandering the park and chatting about anything that didn't dampen the mood. A few times work topics arose, but Amanda kept them to laugh worthy ones. It even led to Olivia sharing some amusing moments from before Amanda had joined the squad. A short time ago any discussion about what was going on at work would have struck Olivia like a red hot iron. Even thinking about the job she'd lost had been incredibly painful. It wasn't bothering her quite as much now though. While listening to news of the squad caused a dull ache of regret and longing, Olivia had come to accept her exit from SVU. Like it or not, she could never return. With Suvi around that prospect didn't seem quite as bad.

"You've changed, you know that?" Amanda asked as they sat and ate the soft pretzels they'd bought from a cart.

Olivia looked at her sidelong and rolled her eyes. What kind of bullshit was that? Of course she'd changed. Sustaining a serious head injury pretty much guaranteed that. If it was meant to be a joke it wasn't funny.

"Near traumatic brain injuries kind of do that to you," Olivia returned sarcastically with more than a drop of bite.

"That's not what I meant," Amanda soothed in an attempt to ease Olivia's displeasure. She hadn't meant the comment in the way Olivia had taken it at all. "I didn't mean between now and before your injury. Right now you're actin' like the old you, before you got hurt."

"That sounds like before the injury and now to me."

This time it was Amanda's turn to roll her eyes. Olivia was being purposefully obstinate.

"The you now has changed from the you after your accident. Right now you're actin' more like yourself. The real you from before. The only difference is you're more relaxed. Happier even. It's nice."

Olivia stared at Amanda with her mouth hanging slightly open. She hadn't really thought about it before, but now that Amanda had mentioned it Olivia had to admit it was true. When she'd been off the clock but still on the job relaxed wasn't a word that fit very well. It was far more accurate now. As ridiculous as it sounded the same could be said for happier.

"I guess you're right." She flashed Amanda a quick smile. "Something else to tell all of you thank you for."

"Stop. I don't want to hear any more thank yous from you unless it's about bringin' you coffee or somethin'. Got it?"

"Got it." She glanced slyly at Amanda out of the corner of her eye. "Does coming with me to the park count as one of those somethings?"

Amanda simply slugged Olivia's shoulder in reply.

O . o . O . o . O

As Olivia locked her apartment door behind her she couldn't help thinking she'd have to make a note to call Amanda again sometime. It had been a fantastic day out, and she figured Suvi would be just as excited about a repeat as she would be. She took Suvi's vest off and unpacked the bag she'd brought to the park. Once everything was put away Olivia grabbed her laptop and dropped down on the couch. Suvi settled himself on the ground near Olivia's feet. When she booted up her computer she found an email from Micheal waiting for her. It was the first time she'd heard from him since the training session. They'd both agreed to focus on their dogs at least through the first month. It had been longer than that, but Olivia hadn't gotten a chance to contact him yet either. Now that contact had been made she'd be sure to respond.

_Hey Benson,_

_That dog of yours living up to his name yet? Hope everything is going well for you._

_Tucker and I are doing great. Gotta admit though, that first month was tough. Didn't_

_think it would be so different to not have someone there to help out if something _

_went wrong, but it was. When both of us were uneasy it would have been nice to _

_have some backup. We managed, thankfully. It's been getting easier too._

_Forget all that though. Fun things are much better to talk about. Does Suvi like tug of_

_war? I swear it's Tucker's favorite thing to do. Despite all the working out I never win_

_either. I'll forgive him since I'm such a nice guy and all. Running around with my _

_girlfriend's nieces comes in a close second. Bet you can't say your dog can run around_

_in a big wide open area, huh? You should come out and join me some time._

_Stay Strong,_

_Micheal_

It sounded so exactly like Micheal that Olivia almost laughed. She immediately started typing a reply.

_Micheal,_

_That dog of mine is Suvi. You should try out his name. He deserves it. Trust me, he_

_Definitely lives up to his name now. He certainly tried my patience the first month, _

_but he's been great since then. A lifesaver really. I owe him a lot. It's nice to hear I_

_wasn't the only one that struggled the first month. We at least both got through._

_Suvi played some tug of war with another dog today, but he's not a huge fan. We do _

_have a search and find game we play a lot though. It's pretty funny watching him get _

_stuck under the blanket or basket. I bet your behemoth wouldn't be able to get out._

_As for his favorite thing, that would definitely be rain. I can already see you laughing,_

_so stop. Suvi could easily give Tucker a run for his money in puddle splashing. Trust _

_me on that. Maybe at some point I'll be able to come show you. Or you could come _

_join us in the ample space we have. It's called Central Park. Until next time. I hope _

_you and Tucker keep doing well._

_Olivia_

* * *

Author's Note: I apologize for the formatting of the emails. It was all nice and set up on my word document and then when I uploaded everything it got all wonky. No matter what I tried I couldn't get it fixed. Darn thing wouldn't even let me put the paragraph spaces in it without turning into the mess you see. Sorry! We are also getting down to the last five chapters or so. Be ready. The end is coming.


	37. Chapter 37 - More Than a Membership

Chapter Thirty Seven – More Than a Membership

Once Olivia had started feeling comfortable and more like herself she had wanted to find a way back into working out. Going to Central Park for a run was great, but she wanted more than that. When she'd been on the job, she had tried to hit the gym as often as possible. It wasn't always as much as she would have liked, but it was better than what she had now. Time had been limiting and so had energy. She'd ended up dropping her personal gym membership and had simply used the one for the department. With more free time on her hands she wanted to try and get back into it, but the department one was out of the question now.

She had started looking into gyms in her area about a week ago. Membership prices and what was offered had helped her narrow down the choices. She didn't just want weight machines and treadmills. Having somewhere to get back to kickboxing would be wonderful. The opportunity to take a few classes in different activities would be nice too. While Olivia would prefer all of those things, none of them would be the final deciding factor. Suvi would be. Just because a gym legally had to allow her entrance with Suvi didn't mean they actually would. That had become very obvious. She didn't want to have to fight every time she came. On top of that, Olivia knew even if she was allowed in it wouldn't necessarily mean the owner would really be okay with it. Hostility and glares could be directed at her the entire time she was there, and that would make for a pretty hellish workout. For her own personal sanity, she would have to make sure everyone in charge of the gym was okay with Suvi being there. If she could find somewhere that would support her with potentially unhappy members that would be even better, but she didn't want to get her hopes too high on that. It made more sense business-wise to allow one client to remain displeased than to back one and anger multiple others.

Olivia couldn't expect to know what would happen with other people there to work out before she went herself. She could, however, know what the owner would think. All it would take was a few phone calls. After she'd set up her day with Amanda she'd started calling around. Most of the people she'd spoken with hadn't been very willing to allow her to bring Suvi with her. Some of them had outright refused. Those ones were easily crossed off the list of possibilities.

It took Olivia nearly a week to finish the calls. Three gyms had sounded open to having her there. Of the three, one seemed like her best option. The man she'd spoken with over the phone had been incredibly kind and had even encouraged her to come for a visit. Olivia was going to take that as a good sign. As an added bonus the gym had basically everything Olivia had been looking for too. The only possible problem was the location. It wasn't overly close to her apartment. She couldn't be sure it was worth the long trip until she visited and checked the place out herself.

That was exactly what Olivia was planning on doing, only it was harder to walk in than she expected. She had no real reason to be nervous, yet she was. Tired of waiting, Suvi took the opportunity of someone coming out to slip partway in. He turned back to look at her with a beaming doggie smile and a very simple question. Are you coming? Olivia couldn't help the tiny smile that tugged at her lips. He made it sound so easy. Then again, maybe it was that easy. All she had to do was open the door and walk in. Olivia decided to follow Suvi's lead. She drew off his confidence as she walked up to the front desk.

"Can I help you?" the attendant asked.

"I'm looking for the manager. Is he here?"

"Yeah, in the back. Hold on a second."

He disappeared into the back, and Olivia tried not to shift uneasily as she waited. Without truly realizing she was doing it she began threading her fingers through the fur on Suvi's head. It steadied her and put a halt to the nervousness trying to wash over her. While she was waiting Olivia took the time to look around. The place was clean and not incredibly busy, though it could get more crowded after work hours. Quiet was good for her. There would be less people around to raise a fuss about Suvi. Olivia didn't have time to do any more visual investigating before the attendant returned with the manager.

"Are you Olivia Benson?"

"That's right."

"Nice to meet you. Why don't I show you around?"

"That would be great. Thank you."

So far so good. The manager was being kinder in person than he had been on the phone. Maybe she would actually find a place that would welcome her like any other member and support her in the face of disapproval.

He led her through the facility, showing her the various workout rooms. As they walked he also discussed the classes that were held throughout the week. The further they got the more pleased Olivia became. This had definitely been worth the visit. If she'd actually worn the right clothes she would have even considered getting a membership after the tour and sticking around to workout. Unfortunately that wasn't going to work, but at least she could get paperwork filled out and her first fee paid so she could come back tomorrow.

"So I just want to make sure. He's not going to cause any trouble or leave messes around, right?"

"No. He's well trained. You won't have to worry about him, and I'll make sure we stop on the way in to be safe."

Not that Olivia figured Suvi would decide a bathroom break was necessary in the middle of her workout. He was good about going whenever he had the chance since those times could be few and far between.

"Good, good. He shouldn't bother anyone else either I'm assuming."

"Nope. He'll stay right by my side the entire time. I'll try to keep him out of the aisles too."

"I don't see that we'll have any problems then."

Even with how hopeful she'd been since meeting him Olivia hadn't expected the owner to be so sure everything would work out find. She wasn't even that confident.

"What about the other members? Not everyone thinks service dogs should be allowed in public places."

"They should be fine. I'll give them a heads up at the front desk."

Personally Olivia thought he was being a bit too confident, but she wasn't going to argue. He knew his clients, not her. She simply knew how people could react to Suvi when they were out. Once they reached the front desk he turned to her once again.

"How about I set you up with a free month of trial membership?"

"Really?" Olivia asked incredulously. "That would be fantastic."

"Let's get you ready to go then."

He handed her all of the paperwork she would need to fill out before heading behind the desk to work on something himself. By the time she was done with the forms he should have everything basically completed. All he would need to do was take the photo and add it.

Once Olivia had filled in all of the information she considered the forms again. While there had been a rather large section concerning medical information, she felt like more reference might be needed. If she were to have a seizure while working out they wouldn't necessarily look through her membership forms before they called an ambulance. It would probably be best to give them separate instructions. Hopefully it would result in less unneeded 911 calls. Plus, witnessing a seizure for the first time could be scary. Having specific directions in the event of one occurring should ease the fear a bit.

"Do you have a separate sheet of paper I could write seizure instructions on?"

"Of course." He held a sheet out to her. "Anything we'd need to know go ahead and put on there."

Olivia took the paper gratefully and set about writing down the requirements for calling an ambulance. She also added in the note that all of her medical information, including her doctor's name and her medications were in Suvi's vest. When that was all complete she handed the information sheet and her forms to the manager.

"Alrighty. All we need now is a picture for your account. I'd like to get one of Suvi too."

"Suvi? Why?"

"For the heads up I told you about. All I need to do is add the picture so I'll show it to you before you leave to make sure you're okay with it."

That sounded reasonable to Olivia. If she didn't like something he'd put in the memo to the gym's members she could ask him to take it out or change it. She didn't have any reason to think he wouldn't be sensitive to her condition though. He'd been more sensitive to her condition and the modifications she needed then most people were. There shouldn't be much to worry about. A short time later when the manager turned the computer screen to face her Olivia's guess was confirmed. Below the picture of Suvi the caption read:

_This is Vesuvius. He and his owner are new members to our gym. Since he is a _

_service dog he will be permitted in all areas of the facility. Should anything _

_happen to his owner please advise the front desk before you do anything. If _

_you have any other questions or concerns feel free to talk to the manager._

"So what do you think?"

"It's perfect."

If it actually worked and kept people from arguing about Suvi's presence it would be even better. With the way he'd worded it the memo had the potential to make sure she didn't get unwanted ambulance rides too. Olivia was rather impressed.

"I'm sure we'll be seeing you in here soon."

She flashed him a warm smile in return.

"Definitely."

And she would be back, possibly even the next day.

O . o . O . o . O

Unfortunately Olivia didn't manage to make it back the next day. The mild headache wouldn't have been enough to keep her home if that was all she'd been dealing with. It wasn't though. She had to handle the trembling too. Shaky hands and a high likelihood of losing your balance were not things you wanted when you went to the gym. Olivia wouldn't have felt comfortable going when she felt that way even if it hadn't been her first time in. She hadn't been able to hit the gym in a long time. One more day wouldn't hurt.

The next day when she was feeling better she headed down. When she arrived she was greeted warmly enough, though she could feel the attendant's eyes following her curiously. The curiosity didn't particularly bother her. It was actually quite understandable. Looks of all kinds pretty much came with the territory when you had a service dog. Curiosity was one of the better ones.

"Let us know if you need anything."

Olivia nodded and headed back. While she seriously missed her kickboxing, now was not the time to try it. Sticking with something a little more basic and less strenuous would be better. Chances were a little extra exercise wouldn't do anything to trigger her head, but she couldn't be totally sure. She did not want to wind up having a seizure on her first day. Friendly or not, she didn't want to scare the staff too early. Eventually it would happen, but since she had a way to possibly postpone that moment for now it was best she use it. The elliptical and some weights would do the trick.

She had just finished her warm up on the elliptical when a man in a cut off t-shirt waltzed up to her. Olivia judged him to be slightly younger than her, probably in his mid-30s. Along with that guess Olivia was pretty sure he had been waiting until she was done before he came over. That could mean any number of things. She stepped off the machine and eyed him warily. Was this going to turn into a fight? Did he have a question? Did he simply want to introduce himself? She had no idea.

"So you're the one with the service dog, huh?"

Olivia's eyes narrowed. Starting like that was usually the sign of more negative feelings. Whether that was where this conversation was going or not, his question didn't deserve an answer. He hadn't seemed to be expecting one and continued on, this time with his attention on Suvi who was lying down near Olivia's machine.

"He's actually a good looking dog."

Olivia really wanted to roll her eyes but crossed her arms over her chest instead. He would hopefully get the hint from her body language that this conversation was not welcome.

"Why wouldn't he be?"

"No reason, I guess. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you or anything."

She wasn't completely sure she believed that. People didn't usually decide to chat with someone they didn't know for no reason. She rested a hand lightly on her hips and lifted an eyebrow.

"So you wanted to do what?"

"See for myself."

If he had given a decent answer she might have been slightly more apologetic for her sharp tone. His answer was even worse than she'd expected though, and it was cocky too. He deserved every ounce of hostility Olivia had given him, plus some extra. So far he was definitely being put in the asshole category. She really had no desire to stick around and see if that category changed.

"You saw. Now if you'll excuse me."

She patted her leg, and Suvi stood and moved to her side as they brushed past the bystander. Olivia had things she wanted to do still, and standing around so some guy could gawk at them like they were in a zoo wasn't one of them. There were better things to do.


	38. Chapter 38 - Harder They Fall

Chapter Thirty Eight – Harder They Fall

"You really are pathetic, you know that?" Olivia asked Suvi as she watched him near cower behind her legs.

Suvi, apparently, didn't care how pathetic he looked. Instead of bucking up he pressed his head harder against Olivia's leg. It still kind of amused her that a dog as small as a loaf of bread could scare him. Olivia knelt down and draped a comforting arm around him. Suvi leaned against her and kept a close eye on his nemesis. The tiny Yorkshire terrier ignored Suvi and continued racing across the dog park. He hadn't done much barking yet, but Suvi wasn't willing to take any chances. The little devil could start yapping at any point.

"He's not going to eat you."

Suvi looked up at her and huffed. She could say whatever she wanted, but he wasn't going to believe it. No way.

"Not a fan of other dogs?"

Olivia looked up to find a blonde woman smiling down at her. She recognized the woman as the owner of the husky busy romping around in the park.

"Ah, no. He's okay with other dogs. There's just one he's not sure of."

The other woman glanced behind her and quickly determined that her dog was the biggest of the bunch.

"Probably mine."

"Actually, no. The yorkie is the terrifying one."

She laughed. "The bigger they are the easier they fall."

A tiny smile tugged at Olivia's face. That was certainly a true statement when it came to Suvi and little dogs. Olivia rubbed Suvi's head once more and stood.

"Time to man up and go play, Suvi," Olivia told him as she grabbed his collar and led him toward the enclosed play area.

It turned into her nearly dragging him through the gate. When the gate closed behind him Suvi turned around to face Olivia. His tail was tucked between his legs, and he watched her sadly. She wasn't really going to leave him here alone and at the mercy of the yorkie, was she?

"Go on."

Apparently she was. He whined softly, but quickly realized it wouldn't do him any good. Before he moved away from the fence he looked over the place to make sure he headed in the opposite direction of the yorkie. There was no way he was getting anywhere near that thing.

"Poor guy. He really doesn't want to be anywhere near that yorkie."

"He never has, but he'll be fine."

"He may hold a grudge for a while."

"I'm sure he'll get over it eventually," Olivia replied.

"I'm Nora by the way."

"Olivia."

"I think I've seen you around before."

"Probably. We're kind of recognizable with this," Olivia returned as she lifted Suvi's service vest.

"A bit, yeah. Suvi. Is that his name?"

"Mm. Vesuvius." She shrugged. "Suvi."

"The big husky out there is Rolf."

Olivia looked out at the dogs gathered and found Rolf sniffing at Suvi's worst nightmare. She couldn't help grinning.

"I see he's not bothered by little dogs."

"No. Water."

The humor of the situation only increased with that statement. Suvi and Rolf seemed to be exact opposites. If there was one thing that would never bother Suvi it was water. Apparently her dog really was a weirdo.

"Better hope it doesn't rain."

Half an hour later Olivia wondered if she had jinxed them. Or at least jinxed Nora and Rolf. The sudden deluge was heaven for Suvi. Olivia would have preferred it if his heaven was a little less wet. She and Nora were racing out of the park with Suvi prancing along with his tongue hanging out while Rolf had his tail between his legs.

"This way," Nora urged, and Olivia willingly followed. "There's a coffee shop a bit down the way that has an overhang."

That sounded good to Olivia. She could use something warm to drink after the soaking she was getting. With the two of them they'd be able to keep one person with the dogs while the other went in for hot drinks. When they reached the shop they both scrambled under the overhang and pressed their backs to the wall. Rolf came to joint hem and get as far out of the rain as possible. Hiding out under an overhang was not in Suvi's plans. He took the moment of standing still to stare up at the sky with his mouth hanging open.

"He really does like rain."

"You have no idea," Olivia confirmed. "I'll stay out here with them if you want to go in and get us something."

"What would you like?"

"Just a regular coffee is fine. I can put cream and sugar in myself."

She pulled out a five and handed it over, taking Rolf's leash in exchange. It didn't take long for Nora to return with coffees, and Olivia took hers gratefully. The chill of wet clothing and water dripping down her back from drenched hair had settled in as she'd been waiting. She lifted the cup but simply let the steam warm her face instead of drinking any.

"This is exactly what I needed," Nora said.

"Mm. It really is."

The two women stayed under the overhang and chatted while they waited for the rain to fully stop. They didn't have much luck with the rain stopping, but Olivia found she truly enjoyed Nora's company. While she couldn't see herself spending a lot of her free time with Nora or becoming a really good friend with her it would be nice to have someone to meet up with and talk to at the dog park. Maybe in time they could become more than simple acquaintances. Olivia didn't know for sure. It would definitely be nice to have a friend that didn't work the type of long hours a cop or district attorney did.

Twenty minutes of waiting later and Olivia was ready to accept they were going to have to walk home in the rain. There was simply no escaping that fact.

"I don't know about you, but I could really use some dry clothes. As much as I'd love to not walk home in the rain, I don't think it will be letting up anytime soon."

At least it wasn't all out down pouring like it had been earlier. A little less rain was an improvement.

"You're probably right. I guess we part ways here. I'm sure I'll see you at the dog park again at some point though."

"I'll be there."

They waved goodbye to each other and started on their separate, rain-filled trips home. Olivia figured Suvi had had more than enough time to play in the rain. Instead of letting him mess around this time she called him to work so they could get home quickly. Getting stuck out in a storm was becoming a habit. It wasn't one she really liked either. Taking Suvi out to play in the rain was fine, but she would prefer to do it on her own terms so she could be close to home and a dry change of clothes. Purposefully going out when it was raining would mean she could arm herself with an umbrella too. Being caught without one was a pain. Hopefully she'd get the chance next time and wouldn't end up with an impromptu shower. When she got home she had every intention of taking a planned shower, and a much warmer one than she was getting now.


	39. Chapter 39 - Future Plans

Chapter Thirty Nine – Future Plans

Two months. She'd had Suvi for over two months now. Almost three. It was actually hard to believe. Most of the time it felt like it had been a lot longer. She felt like she knew him so well. They were working together without the least wrinkle. He had picked up on her routines and a lot of the time she didn't need to give him directions. Then there were some days it felt like a lot shorter than two months. Sometimes she was still uneasy, unsure, and caught off guard by people's reactions. She didn't always feel very experienced with a service dog.

Olivia gently brushed the fur on Suvi's head as they walked. He tipped his head back to look at her, and she smiled down at him. Yeah, he was her boy, and he was giving everyone else a run for their money when it came to the privilege of best friend. Olivia was actually on her way to visit another friend, one she hadn't seen in a while. It was completely possible that he may not even know she had a service dog. Bayard wasn't overly connected to the department, so there was a good chance he wasn't up to date. If he didn't know about Suvi it could make for a very interesting conversation. No matter what happened she would have a good time though, and Suvi would definitely have a blast.

She quickly hopped onto the subway, Suvi settling on the ground between her knees once she'd sat down. It had been a long time since she'd taken a trip down to the baseball fields, but she was pretty sure she remembered the way. One thing she was confident of was that Bayard had his team practice early Saturday afternoons. As long as she got off at the right station she should be able to find the fields easily enough and be there with some time to spare before they finished for the day. Olivia thought she knew where she was supposed to get off, and when they reached the station she led Suvi out. When they emerged onto the street she nodded. This looked right. As she headed down the streets looking for signs Suvi walked calmly at her side. This was a new area for him, and there was a lot to look at. His eyes drifted around, taking in all of the sights. No matter how much there was to see though he always returned his attention to Olivia. She was the most important thing to him. There was no way he would ever let her down.

"Here we are, Suvi," Olivia told him as they turned down the park entrance.

Now that she'd made it, all she had to do was find Bayard's team. She was hoping it wouldn't be all that hard. There shouldn't be that many teams practicing. A fast look around the fields easily narrowed down the teams since some of the players were too old. She wandered further in, careful not to walk on any of the playing fields, and quickly found Bayard's group. They were still in the middle of practice, but Olivia was more than content to wait. She found herself a spot on the lowest set of bleachers so Suvi could stay next to her and sat down to watch. There were a few parents sitting there as well, but none of them gave her a second look. That was perfectly fine with her. The last thing she wanted to do was make small talk and explain why she was there.

Bayard was surprisingly good with the kids, and Olivia actually enjoyed watching them play. Watching Suvi's head snap back and forth as he followed the ball was even more fun. As the practice ended the kids broke up and headed to their parents. Olivia stayed where she was until Bayard and his daughter wandered over.

"They looked good."

At the sound of her voice Bayard scanned the crowd until he spotted her. She stood as he headed her direction.

"Good. We have a game coming up."

"I bet you'll do really well, Tasha."

Bayard's eight year old daughter beamed up at her.

"Yeah."

"Natasha, go put this in our bag," Bayard instructed as he handed a bat and glove to his daughter.

She nodded and darted away. Olivia watched Natasha for a moment before turning back to Bayard. His eyes were locked on her, evaluating. She smiled and tipped her head slightly in question.

"What?"

"You look good, Olivia."

"Thank you. Let me introduce you. This is Suvi, my service dog."

"Service dog, huh?"

"Mm. He's helped me get my life back."

Olivia smiled down at Suvi and touched the top of his head. He didn't bother to look up at her or even react at all. While he knew right where she was, he didn't know where that ball was, and he wanted to. More than simply knowing where it was, Suvi wanted to have it. Olivia noticed and the wheels in her brain started turning. Perhaps she could give him the opportunity to have a ball.

"He's really pretty," Tasha said once she got back to them again.

"Think you could convince your dad to maybe give up a softball?"

"Dad?"

"Go ahead," Bayard confirmed.

It didn't take long for Tasha to race back, grab a ball, and return again. Olivia knelt down and unclipped Suvi's vest so she could slip it over his head. The leash went with it. Suvi's head spun toward her, the look on his face a mix of excitement and questioning. She ruffled his ears and nodded.

"Go ahead, Tasha. He'll bring it right back."

Tasha didn't waste a moment. She turned around and threw the ball as hard as she could. Suvi watched the ball fly and twitched forward. He wanted to go after it so bad, but first… his eyes shifted to Olivia.

"Go play."

That was all he needed. He rocketed off after the ball. Satisfied that Suvi and Tasha were content, Bayard led Olivia back to the bleachers. Before he had a chance to start a conversation his eyes settled on one of the other families on the team.

"Do you mind one more joining in the ball game?"

Olivia followed his gaze to the little girl looking longingly after Suvi and Tasha and smiled.

"He'd love it."

Bayard waved toward the other girl and motioned toward Tasha. Apparently she didn't need any more than that to understand she could join in. Olivia's eyes stayed on the girls and Suvi even though she felt Bayard's on her. Finally she looked away and met his gaze.

"What?"

"Simply observing. You are more like the Olivia Benson I know."

"He really has worked wonders."

"Have you considered what you're going to do with the rest of your life?"

Olivia looked down at her lap and smoothed down the edge of her shorts. The question sounded more like it belonged with a teenager or young adult that was messing around past when they should be. Despite that, it really was a valid question.

"Not really," she admitted. "I just started fully living again. The rest of my life hasn't even been a consideration until recently."

"You really should consider becoming a consultant either with any law firm in general or the NYPD."

She snorted and shook her head. He made getting back in with the department sound so easy. It wasn't that simple though.

"Why would the NYPD take me back?"

She'd already retired from the force. People weren't just let back in after retirement. You couldn't change your mind and get your job back.

"You didn't choose to leave or get pushed out. I don't see how they would have a truly good reason to deny you a consulting position. They'd be fools not to also. You were damn good at your job."

"The NYPD isn't always known for its proper treatment of employees or intelligent decision making."

"It's still worth considering. After what happened they owe you at least a little bit. Risk of the job or not."

"Maybe."

"Think about it."

Pushing any harder would not help Olivia. The idea had been planted, and it was up to her to decide what to do with it. She would probably do a lot of good as a consultant as long as she gave herself a chance.

Even if Bayard had wanted to discuss the concept with her more, he didn't have the time. He was supposed to be taking his daughter out to lunch with her friend and the girl's family. The other parents had been willing to give him some time to talk to Olivia and were waiting patiently. He couldn't hold the trip up too long though, and the girls were probably hungry. As he was about to explain that to Olivia her dog came ambling back over with the ball in his mouth. Suvi sniffed around Olivia for a second before heading back toward Tasha. Bayard's daughter was on her way over too and met Suvi partway.

"That was the first time he didn't bring it back."

"Yeah. He always checks in on me from time to time when he's off playing," Olivia told Tasha.

"Dad, could Olivia and Suvi come get pizza with us? Tiara really wants them to come too. Right?" Tasha said as she turned toward her friend for confirmation.

"Uh huh!"

"If it's alright with Olivia and Tiara's parents."

"I'll go ask!" Tiara replied before dashing off.

"You're welcome to join us, Olivia," Bayard told her.

"Please?" Tasha begged.

Olivia really hadn't been planning on going out to eat when she'd decided to come for a visit. If it had only been Bayard and Tasha she wouldn't have hesitated. They already had a scheduled lunch though. She didn't want to get in the way or interfere with pre-planned activities. Plus, she didn't know the other family they'd be going with. Bayard knew about her seizures and had experienced them before. She wouldn't need to explain anything to him. With anyone else there was a chance she would need to.

"I don't know, Bayard. You guys have plans already. You should stick with them."

"You want to disappoint Tasha and Tiara? They really want you to come."

"They really want Suvi to come," she corrected.

Bayard simply smiled at her. Technically she was correct. The girls wanted to spend more time with Suvi. As for himself, Bayard wouldn't mind spending more time with Olivia. He hoped the other parents would be alright with that. They were on their way over, so he'd find out soon enough.

"Your friend is welcome to come with us," Tiara's father said.

Bayard tipped his head in acknowledgement and turned to raise a questioning eyebrow at Olivia. She sighed. It wasn't like she could back out now.

"It's really good pizza, huh?" she asked the girls.

"Uh huh. Really good!"

"Really, really good."

Olivia smiled. Well, that settled it. She clipped Suvi's vest back on.

"Let's go get some pizza then."

"Yes!" the two girls cheered.

They all started making their way out of the park, Bayard doing the introductions on the way. Olivia let him lead the discussions and tried to keep herself calm. The seizures made her more uneasy around people she didn't know than she used to be. First impressions were important, and there was always the chance their first impression of her would be of her jerking and twitching on the ground. That never led to good memories. Unfortunately Olivia would not be leaving all good memories in the minds of Tiara's parents.

On the way out of the park Suvi suddenly stopped in his tracks. Olivia had a feeling she knew why, and when he pawed at her leg her feeling was confirmed. A seizure was on the way. Before she could do anything about it though the seizure caught up with her. She felt the leash slip from her hand as her vision slid sideways. The sound of Suvi barking drifted through the haze of her seizure. It caught Bayard's attention too. He saw her going down and reached out to catch her. As her spasms raced through her body Olivia could feel Bayard's arms around her. His arms were probably the thing keeping her somewhat upright. Everything faded away as Bayard slowly lowered her to the ground.

"Oh my god. Is she alright? Should I call for help?" Tiara's mom panicked.

"No," Bayard returned calmly. "It will pass soon enough. She'll be alright, and if not, I know when to call."

"Are you sure? That just doesn't look good, Bayard."

"It's fine. That's why she has him."

Bayard nodded toward Suvi. Olivia's dog was standing nearby worriedly watching over her. His entire attention was locked on her shaking form. When her seizure eased Bayard moved forward to help her, but Suvi beat him to it. He licked at her fingers, and not receiving a response, he moved in to roll her over. That done, he curled up beside her just as her eyes flickered open. Almost automatically her arm draped over him. Bayard was beginning to see why Suvi had helped her so much. He was there for her in a way no one else ever had been. That would mean a lot to her, and it would mean even more when she was in a time of need.

Olivia stirred a bit more, and like a well rehersed dance, Suvi pulled her up to a sitting position and finally to her feet. Her eyes lifted to meet Bayard's. They lingered on him for a moment before dropping in what could only be described as shame. That wasn't going to fly. He wasn't going to call her out on it, but there was no way he'd let her feel ashamed either. She had no control over her seizures.

"Ready to go?"

That simple phrase made what had happened into something hardly worth mentioning. It wasn't a big deal, and she didn't need to worry about it.

Olivia's eyes flashed up to meet his. It took a moment for her to fully understand the meaning behind the question. When it clicked he could tell. Her face smoothed out and she nodded.

"All set."

Without another word regarding her seizure they started walking toward the pizza place again. Everything was fine. She didn't need to worry about what had happened.

* * *

_Author's Note: And we're down to the final two after this! _


	40. Chapter 40 - Leaps and Bounds

Chapter Forty – Leaps and Bounds

"How has your week been, Olivia?" Christine asked.

"Pretty good. I think I could have lived without getting caught in the rain, but at least Suvi enjoyed it."

Olivia had been making marked improvements recently. At first the progress had been slow. Christine had really had to encourage her to find a way back into her life. She'd had to push Olivia to leave her apartment and to get involved in activities she'd enjoyed before. Olivia had initially been very resistant to the ideas. Slowly, after Suvi had walked into her life, she'd begun taking steps on her own. Christine didn't even need to discuss next steps anymore. Olivia was moving forward willingly, many times in leaps and bounds. She was incredibly proud of Olivia's improvement.

"What else have you been up to this week?"

"We stopped for groceries, hit the gym a few times, and stopped by the park to play as often as we could." She reached down to ruffle the scruff of Suvi's neck. "He loves the park."

We. Christine hadn't missed it. Every time Olivia answered a question about herself she answered using "we" instead of "I." Suvi was a part of her now, but Christine wasn't sure Olivia realized how much. She may not have even realized she'd been using we.

"Anything else?"

"Ah, I stopped by to visit a friend."

"Yeah?"

It was a subtle press for more information. Olivia conceded.

"He'd visited me at one point before I got Suvi, and he's helped me out before. I didn't want him to worry about me anymore."

"Were you visiting this time to get help too?"

"That wasn't the intention, but I got some anyway. Or at least I got some advice."

The discussion with Bayard had given her a lot to think about. While it wasn't overly helpful yet, it certainly could be later. He had unexpectedly given her fresh eyes and new motivation once again.

"And it helped?"

"Maybe," Olivia returned somewhat evasively.

"And?"

"He might have given me something else to do with the rest of my life."

That sounded like a lot more than maybe helping. Christine hadn't considered discussing the topic of careers with Olivia yet, and she hadn't seen any sign that Olivia was thinking about it either. For her to be considering possibilities now, even if someone had initiated the discussion, was a big step. It was bigger than Christine would have expected her to take, but she was handling it really well. Olivia had come a long way.

"Am I going to have to dig to get more information?"

A smile flashed across Olivia's face.

"You could try, but I don't think you're going to get anywhere."

Olivia didn't want to share any ideas yet. So far she hadn't had enough time to consider the possibilities. Until she made up her own mind about Bayard's suggestion she didn't want other opinions. Christine was sure to give them or at least press her for her own thoughts on the idea. Olivia would rather avoid that at least until she had answers to her own questions, though she wouldn't mind postponing the discussion forever.

Christine almost laughed. Olivia was adamant, but she wasn't being stubborn. She knew what she wanted, and she'd stick to it. Since she wasn't showing any signs of strain or depression Christine was willing to let the topic go. Olivia was capable of processing the possibilities on her own. What was more, she wouldn't turn any down because of her seizures (unless she physically wouldn't be able to complete them). Her life was her own again. The seizures were no longer in control.

"Alright. You win. I'll let it go."

Olivia nodded her head in thanks.

"Have you had any bad days?"

"One," Olivia admitted a bit unwillingly.

"And?" What had she done to deal with it?

"I stayed home and brushed Suvi. We spent hours on the ground with his brush. He just stayed there and put his head in my lap a few times. When I had to lie down he curled up next to me."

"You're starting to use him as your coping mechanism. Whenever you're having a hard time you turn to interactions with him to help you through."

"Most of the time, yes."

She still turned to chocolate or a glass of wine or beer every now and then too. Even when she did that though Suvi would be right there beside her. When she was having a decent day but something came up to upset her or make her uneasy she'd use Suvi also. A gentle touch on the head or pet of his fur could strengthen frayed nerves. Christine had picked up on the motion a few times during their sessions.

"You know, Olivia, I'm really impressed with the improvement you've made. Do you feel like you've come a long way?"

"A really long way. I feel good again. Alive again."

The person she had been for so long in the months following her release from the hospital no longer existed. Some of the fear still remained, but it wasn't overpowering anymore. With Suvi's help she could keep it under control.

"I wouldn't even recognize you now if I'd only met you the first day you came in. You should be very proud of yourself."

Olivia looked down and let her hair cover her face. She didn't particularly like being praised, especially when it was for something like this. Pride in herself had never been very strong, so hearing how she should be proud of how far she'd come made her feel more disappointed with how far she'd fallen after her injury than anything else. Plus she didn't like all of the attention focused on her.

"Even though you're doing a lot better," Christine continued, "I'd still like to keep seeing you. However, I don't think we need to meet every week. What would you think about every two weeks or once a month?"

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise.

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously, unless you would rather continue meeting every week. The choice is yours."

"No. No. Once a month is fine."

Once a month was fantastic. As much as she'd come to like Christine she would never like therapy. Sometimes it was necessary, but it couldn't be fun. Ever.

"Once a month it is then. I want you to know that I'm still here for you though. If you ever need someone to talk to or feel like you're in over your head, call me. Please. I would rather you call when you're having trouble than wait until your appointment and spiral down the entire time."

"I can do that."

"Good. I don't want you to forget that you have a solid support network. A network of help that walks on two legs and speaks words, not just your furry one."

Olivia smiled and scratched at Suvi's ears. He may be her best support system, but he certainly wasn't the only one that could help her if she needed it. Christine, Marshelle, and her friends were all there for her.

"I won't."

Everyone had helped her out so much. They deserved a little trust from her. She could try to bring her walls down around them and admit when she needed help. It would be difficult, but as long as she reminded herself of everything they'd done for her she could probably share with them in return. It would definitely take a long time until she felt comfortable doing it, but she would try. They'd already seen her at her worst. No matter what she revealed to them it would never come close to what they'd already witnessed, so they couldn't think any less of her.

"Let's get your next date set up before you go."

It didn't take long to find one that would work, and soon enough Olivia was out the door. Christine watched her go and marveled at the changes. Her head was held high, and her shoulders were back with a confidence that befitted her. The power and pride of a cop that was inside of Olivia had started to make its way back out again. So had Olivia's personality. Her seizures weren't holding her back anymore. She'd come so far already, and while she wasn't quite out of the woods completely, she'd found the path and was nearing the edge of the trees. It wouldn't be long before she stepped out into the sunshine and never turned back.

* * *

_Author's Note: The last chapter is tomorrow! Can't believe I'll be done uploading this... _


	41. Chapter 41 - Inspiration

Chapter Forty One – Inspiration

"Ready to go visit everyone, Suvi? I'm sure they will all be excited to see you."

The last time she'd been into the squad room had been before her first month with Suvi had ended. They hadn't been able to really get to know him. Only Amanda had a lot of experience with him since they'd all met to play in Central Park. Since she'd gotten Suvi the others had restricted their check-ins to phone calls instead of meetings, and that had been fine with her. She didn't need them babysitting her, especially now that Suvi had helped her get back on her feet. Checking in with them now should prove that. Plus, she missed them. After all of the years working with them day in and day out, a few months without any contact felt strange.

Olivia led Suvi up the main steps and nodded to the officer on duty at the front desk. This time she got through without any question. She was comfortable here, and the confidence showed. Only Suvi would make her look out of place. Olivia wasn't bothered though. SVU would always be a part of her. She belonged there. Since Suvi was a part of her now too, he belonged in the squad room just as much as she did.

When she walked in she wondered if she'd picked a bad time. Only Fin, Munch, and the new guy, Miskee, were at their desks. Fin looked like he was bordering on pissed off, and Miskee looked pale. Something was definitely up. The fact that Cragen wasn't in his office either only made that assumption more obvious.

"Fin, what's going on?"

Fin and John both looked up at the sound of her voice.

"Look who's here. Missing all of the depravity, Liv?" John asked. "Need to get your fill of twisted morality, if you could even call it that. The word morality doesn't even seem appropriate in the same sentence."

Well, now Olivia had no doubt that something was wrong.

"Bad case?"

"Seven year old girl," Miskee responded softly.

"Six year old," Munch corrected.

Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Child cases were always the worst ones. The victim being a six year old made the awfulness of a child case even worse. Everyone was upset when these cases turned up, but it wasn't usually this bad unless the case wasn't going well.

"How bad is it?" she asked gently.

"Don't know. We haven't managed to get anythin' out of her yet. We have assumptions, but without an actual statement…" Fin trailed off since it wasn't necessary to go on. Olivia knew the drill. No victim statement, no case.

"Nick and Amanda are talking to her?"

"In the children's room. Cragen's watchin'."

"At least they're trying to talk to her," Munch added. "Last we heard they weren't getting very far. Tried drawing, using dolls, had mom in the room, out of the room, Amanda alone, Nick alone, both together. No dice."

"She's scared," Olivia said.

"Could see why," Fin confirmed. "No six year old should have to go through anythin' that would bring 'em here."

Olivia nodded and couldn't stop her mind from drifting to the little girl sitting in the interview room. It took a moment before she realized she'd been rubbing Suvi's ear the entire time she'd been thinking. Whenever she was upset she used Suvi to settle herself. Petting a dog did that. Nothing the guys had tried was working, but maybe there was one more option.

"The captain's watching the interview?"

"Yup," Munch responded.

Olivia nodded, considered her plan once more, and headed down the hallway to the children's room. She spotted Cragen quickly enough, but he didn't notice her until she was standing beside him.

"Olivia. What are you doing here?"

"I stopped by to visit and heard about your case. Any luck?"

"None, and they're running out of ideas."

"I might have one."

Cragen lifted an eyebrow and watched her. She was incredibly good with victims and he knew it. The problem was she wasn't on the job anymore. He wasn't sure if he could legitimately allow her to help with the interview. She was a civilian now. Only they were almost out of options. If he didn't take her up on her offer they wouldn't have a case. Would it really hurt to let her help? He looked back through the window at the interview. Nick and Amanda looked pretty hopeless.

"Okay, but Nick stays in there with you."

"Can you call her mom out here? I want to ask her something before I start. Depending on the answer it may not be worth trying."

Cragen knocked lightly and stuck his head into the room.

"Mrs. Stenski, can I speak with you for just a moment?"

The woman looked at her daughter uneasily, touched her fingers lightly to the girl's hair, and then stood to join him. When she reached the door he stepped aside.

"This is Olivia Benson. She used to be one of our detectives before she retired. She might have a way to help make this easier for Courtney."

"Does your daughter like dogs, Mrs. Stenski?"

"Oh yes. She's even been begging me to get a puppy recently."

Olivia felt a smile stretch across her face. That was perfect. Maybe her idea really would work. She turned to look at Cragen.

"I'm going to bring Suvi in. It might help her relax."

"Go ahead," he returned. "Have Rollins come out here so Courtney isn't overwhelmed."

Olivia nodded and led Courtney's mother back into the interview room. Cragen didn't need to give her anymore directions. She could take the lead or not at her own discretion. Nick knew her well enough to follow her lead and run with the course she was taking even if he hadn't been briefed about the plan. They would work well together even after their time apart.

As Olivia walked in she met Amanda's eyes and gave her a tiny nod and a tip of her head toward the door. Amanda got the idea and headed for the door, squeezing Olivia's arm for a second as she passed. Olivia knelt down in front of Courtney.

"Hi, Courtney. My name is Olivia. This is Suvi." She draped her arm over Suvi's back. "I hear you like dogs. Is that right?"

Courtney gave her a tiny nod.

"Well, that's perfect then because Suvi loves having someone pet him. Think you'd like to sit here and pet him with me?"

That time a tiny smile graced Courtney's face, and she scooted over to pet Suvi. Olivia rubbed Suvi's ear as Courtney pet his head. She was hoping the little girl would be the first to break the silence. Her patience paid off. Eyes still on Suvi and hand still stroking his fur, Courtney finally spoke up.

"He's soft."

"He is really soft. Petting him always makes me feel better when I'm worried or sad."

Courtney's eyes flashed up to Olivia before looking back down at Suvi.

"Your mom told me you've been feeling really sad and worried too. Where are you the most worried?"

Courtney froze, so Olivia made it a point to reach out and start petting Suvi again. It took a moment, but Courtney followed her example.

"Petting him helps, doesn't it?" Olivia asked softly.

"Yeah," Courtney whispered.

"If you could have him anywhere, where would you like to have him?"

"At practice."

"What practice, sweetheart?"

Courtney's fingers buried into Suvi's fur, and her voice dropped down to barely audible.

"Cheerleading and tumbling."

"What makes you sad at cheerleading?" Nick asked. "Does someone there make you sad?"

"Coach Dan."

"What does Dan do, Courtney?"

"Helps us with our jumps."

Olivia tipped her head down to try and catch Courtney's eyes. She had to gently touch the little girl's hand to get her to look up.

"What else does he do?"

"Nothing."

"I think he does try other things, Courtney. You wouldn't be sad if he only helped you with jumps." When Courtney still didn't say anything Olivia went on. "Whatever happened isn't your fault. If you tell me what he did we can make sure he never makes anyone sad again. Okay?"

"I don't want to."

"I know, but we can't help you unless you talk to us."

"He…" She stopped and whimpered, her hand coming off Suvi's head in the process. Suvi turned and popped his head back under her hand, giving her a happy grin. Olivia wasn't sure if he just wanted to have more petting or if he'd recognized Courtney needed him. Either way he'd done exactly what Olivia had wanted him to do. With Suvi's fur back under her fingers again Courtney went on in a stumbling voice.

"He held onto me and leaned against me. I didn't like it."

"Did he do anything else you didn't like?"

"One day."

"Yeah, when?"

"When mommy was late."

"And what happened when your mommy was late?" Nick asked her.

"He took me into the office. Said it would be our secret." Courtney looked up at Olivia with tear-filled eyes. "It hurt."

"Can you show us what he did to make your hurt?" Olivia asked as she held a doll out.

For a long time Courtney could only stare at the doll. Olivia wasn't sure she would ever take it and worried that she would have to encourage Courtney again and remind her to keep petting Suvi. It hurt her heart to see Courtney struggling so much. In the end she didn't have to do any extra encouraging. Eventually Courtney reached out to take it after she'd wrapped an arm around Suvi's neck. She touched her fingers to the doll's crotch.

"He put his fingers here. It really hurt."

That was all they needed to confirm Courtney had been raped. They'd be getting this guy off the street. _Soon._

"I know, sweetie, but we're going to make sure he never hurts you again."

Courtney nodded and leaned down to wrap both of her arms around Suvi. Her head rested on top of his, and he happily held it up.

"He's a really good dog."

"He is. He's trained to help people who are hurt."

"Is that why you got him?"

"Mmhm."

"I got hurt too. Does that mean I'll get a dog too?"

Olivia smiled and tried not to laugh.

"Probably not. Your hurts will go away. Mine won't."

"How do you know?"

"Your hurts are mostly in here, right?" Olivia tapped her chest over her heart. "Those kind will go away in time as lots of people love you and help you. Mine there went away too, but I got hurt worse in other places. You see, the man that hurt me hurt my head so bad that it will never get better. Even though someone hurt you too, you're going to get better again. You won't need a dog like Suvi."

"What about a dog not like Suvi?"

Olivia's grin grew to cover her entire face.

"You'll have to ask your mom about that one."

Courtney gave Suvi one last hug before Olivia led him out of the room. That had worked a lot better than she'd expected, and Suvi had done a great job. Maybe she could continue using Suvi like this. She could bring him in as a source of comfort for those that needed it. That was definitely something she would have to look into. If she could find a way to do that she would still be able to continue her life's work of helping victims. It would simply be in a different way than before. Just another thing Suvi could help her with.

"You haven't lost your touch, Olivia," Cragen told her proudly.

"Thank you. I really haven't lost as much as I thought."

A flicker of surprise crossed Cragen's face before melting into an approving smile. Nothing could have proven that Olivia was okay better than that one sentence. She was going to be just fine (if she wasn't already).

"Captain, do me a favor? Get this guy."

"We will," he assured.

"Thanks, Cap."

"You take care of yourself."

"I will. Time to go to work, Suvi. Let's go home."

She said a quick goodbye to everyone on her way out and promised to stop by again when they weren't as busy. As Olivia walked home she felt lighter than air. Things were finally starting to come together and the future was looking up. She had her life back. It wasn't the same as the one she'd had before her injury, but it was still a good one. She was still helping people. She was still Olivia. Regret wasn't even in the picture.

* * *

_Author's Note: Well, there you go. That's the end of the first one! The sequel, Because of Vesuvius, will be up eventually. It's going to focus on Olivia's life with Suvi about a year after this one leaves off. It'll be my first attempt at a romance story, so... yeah, we'll see how that goes. Romance is not my forte. First though, I need opinions on uploading. I'm only about ten chapters in and it's looking like it could be rather long as well since I'm just barely past the set up. Typically I'm not one to upload anything until the entire story is complete. Is that okay with everyone or would you rather I try to get a chapter up every so often, though it could be a really, really long time in between with no real pattern to when they are uploaded?_


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